Posted by Amanda Marcotte May 22, 2008 in Asides, Boggles the Mind
59 Responses to “How to take a shower”
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I really like the all-important exfoliation step, in which you scrub off dead skin. Know what happens if you DON’T scrub off that dead skin?
It falls off.
So much wasted comedic potential.
Somehow, I think this would work better with the graphics from the homeland security handouts.
Except I’m not sure which step involves duct tape and plastic wrap.
@ Ms Kate: It’s the exfoliation bit, but you gotta buy the next issue for that.
How to Shower: A Gender Stratified Guide
Coming soon:
How to have a bowel movement
How to drink from a cup
How to put on pants
How to eat…
(So is this aimed at Paris Hilton, or what?…)
Jezebel’s commentary on women’s magazines has been SPOT ON all week. No idea why they chose this week to suddenly bring it on that particular subject, but their post on this month’s issue of Cosmo made me giggle like a schoolgirl.
When I was a young kid, I had the genius idea of a shower that you could ride around in, so that you would never have to escape the warm embrace of the watery streams. You’d go to grocery stores, pay your taxes, everything while still taking the shower. I thought I would make millions of dollars for that idea.
Ok…I’m lying, I wasn’t a young kid when I thought of that idea, I was 19. And I still think it is genius
Ms Kate: Once again, I’m impressed on how I’m more a man by the super-gendered vanilla world’s standards. While I have no “weiner” to shake at anyone, I am not even remotely concerned about being spotted naked by someone who sees me naked all the time while walking to the shower. If women actually cover their bodies from their husbands, I’m concerned. I have, at times, walked around with a shirt on and no pants because I put on the shirt and then remembered I had to email someone and ran to the computer pants-less.
Plus, peeing in the shower=good for the environment.
While I have no “weiner” to shake at anyone,
You’re still young, the wingnuts are still aggravating, and knives are easy to find…
I remember shampoo Mohawks (*sigh*)
a 75 - 80 degree shower? sweet mary - these may be the last days, but i’m enjoying my 110 degree three minute showers until they pry them from my warm damp hands.
a 75 degree shower is as puritanical and depressing as brown rice. there, i said it.
I’m confused. At what step do you use the falafel?
cheese?
I’m with you, ibaien. If I’m not pink and ever-so-slightly scalded when I step out of the shower, it wasn’t hot enough. Fuck that weak-ass 75-80° shit. That’s where I keep my thermostat, not my water temperature.
Am I the only female who shakes my girly bits at my significant other? While I prefer to shout “NAKED!” or “BOOBIES!!!” the idea is pretty much the same.
The only step there that I would remotely consider useful to spread around is the “pat dry” part. It drives me nuts to see boyfriends viciously scrub themselves with a towel. *shudder* And then if they’re like, “ooh let me dry you it’ll be romantic” and I have to run away.
I think I’ll go read “So Long and Thanks for All the Fish” again. Wonko The Sane realized the planet had gone insane when it needed instructions on a pack of toothpicks. I’m starting to long for that level of intelligence again.
not just at my significant other, also at our roomate. i have this habit of stripping down to my underpants the minute i get home and running around the apartment yelling “titties.” its how i celebrate being done with all the tedium of my day.
i have this habit of stripping down to my underpants the minute i get home and running around the apartment yelling “titties.” its how i celebrate being done with all the tedium of my day.
that’s how I spent a good deal of my college years, the roomies luved it.
Then there’s what we all called “naked time” where, after you’ve put the lotion on, you just chill somewhere–preferably not a communal space–naked and let your body air dry. Good times.
Is anybody other than me worried that the instructions include using multiple lotions and soaps on one’s body, as if this were a perfectly normal, nay, expected thing? I mean, give me a break. I use soap and shampoo, and once in a while, if it has been really hot out and I’m sweating rivulets, or I haven’t showered in too long, I’ll use something other than hot water on my face. (And everyone says, “Oooh, you have the most amazing porcelain complexion! What do you use?” and then gets mad at me for saying, “Nothing. I leave my skin alone and it behaves itself.”) If I used that much moisturising cream and crap, not only would I constantly feel like I was basted (and how the hell do you stay clean when you’re all covered with that stuff? Doesn’t the dirt and lint stick?!), but I’d look like a sausage pizza with the works.
Then again, I’m such a dirty fucking hippie, I don’t even shave, so what do I know?
My boyfriends (I’m female) seem to like my oversized bathrobe. They’ve never told me to stop wearing it to and from the shower. I figure I’d better keep it on until they protest. I have an okay body. Maybe guys are okay with the stereotype Ms Kate shared?
Soft towel? What is this nonsense about a soft towel? One of the big advantages of hanging one’s laundry outside to dry is that the towels feel rougher.
I also note that, according to the directions, you are not supposed to wash your torso often. Your legs get washed when you shave, apparently. Your hands, feet and groin get the “creamy body wash”. But the rest of you only gets scrubbed once a week.
And if I ever take an eighty-degree shower, it’s followed by the other inhabitants of this house being viciously sworn at, because one of them used up too much hot water. And nothing in this house gets coated with oil unless it’s stuck or being roasted.
Soft towel?
I thought everybody uses those flap-flap rotor in car wash, then big blower, before a throng of attendants wipe you with hand towel before waxing.
shiny!
I wonder if people will still take a shower in the future. With water being expensive and all.
Probably dip in anti-macrobial dry cleaning agent or just run into “cleaning ray”, sort of electro-static wave + anti macrobial UV.
That was my reaction too.
Eh, I don’t like using soap because it makes my skin feel tight and painful, so I use shower gel, and I use conditioner on my hair because it’s on the long side, and because I wear sunscreen every day I actually do feel the need to use cleanser on my face…it adds up.
Interro, all those lotions and stuff are indeed a rip off. I used to do it and found that it made no difference on most of my skin to quit and maybe use a moisturizing body wash, except of course newly shaved legs. They’re trying to sell you shit.
Only washing your torso once a week is probably just another way to get you to buy more antiperspirant. In the summer in Texas, showering less than twice a day is a nifty trick.
Being very moist all over seems to be the major priority. I suppose women are walking vaginas. The good news is that vaginal moisture is probably not a cause of embarrassment. But what do I know? Perhaps you’re supposed to be moist everywhere but your vagina.
s anybody other than me worried that the instructions include using multiple lotions and soaps on one’s body, as if this were a perfectly normal, nay, expected thing?
I’d bet money that this graphic was laid out right below another half page of “recommended” soaps, scrubs, cleansers, and lotions (complete with “reviews” fully scripted by a sales rep) opposite a full-page Herbal Essences ad.
The whole idea being to convince women that all other women everywhere use half a dozen bath products, and you’re dirty (or at least doing it wrong) if you don’t.
For the record, there are three products I require in order to feel sufficiently clean. Shampoo, soap, and sometimes a post-shower moisturizer. I also use just plain water on my face, though I’ll sometimes cleanse with about a tablespoon of milk (as in, like 2%) if my skin isn’t happy.
“Toweling off.” LOL. Cause most people would forget that step if not reminded….omg, who writes this stuff..?
Hmmm… anyone else notice that they don’t tell the women to WET their hair before putting that “quarter-sized blob” of shampoo in it? I mean, if we’re going to get so detailed that we tell someone to oil her body before showering (ew…) then shouldn’t we also mention that whole hair-wetting thing? Notice that the woman MUST have long hair. (I have really long hair, only because I am too lazy to get it cut more than twice a year.) And seriously, soap on the groin? Every doctor I’ve ever gone to says just use water, as soap will screw up the “balance” down below. Also, real women only have dry skin - those of us who are oily are obviously fake.
*Mary who spends less time in the shower than her husband does*
I’m confused by why they feel (at 80 degrees) you need to coat yourself lightly with oil if you’re going to be in the shower more than 10 minutes… are they related to the wicked witch of the west? Do they melt if they get over-saturated? Don’t you just have to wash that oil off (or risk damaging your linens and clothing)?
I’m with the au natural camp here, I have soap, shampoo and conditioner on my shower ledge and that’s all I’ve ever needed.
I impound all hotel soaps that I like and toss them in the soap dish. I only use shampoo every third day, and only use conditioner sometimes in the winter. The creamy body wash in little bottles is for camping, when soap bars are messy to deal with.
If I used that much moisturizer, I’d be a giant walking zit! I do use a salycylate facial scrub for that same reason - that and it removes the dirt and gnats and blackflies that embed in SPF 15 at the hairline during the daily commute.
You should see all the stupid “how to bathe a baby” crap … use a special soap and then special lotion and do it twice a day … GAH! I found the best “treatment” for my son’s cradle cap wasn’t $40 a bottle shampoo … it was NO shampoo! The only small baby wash directions ever needed are WIPE PRODUCT WITH A CLEAN DAMP CLOTH.
Is there another place I can look at the “How to Shower Men and Women Style” thingie? Stupid computer is not being helpful.
Ledasmom: here ya go.
Ah! I missed the bit about coating your body with oil. Who does that? WTF.
ibaien:
please do not hate on brown rice. It is deliciously nutty and crunchy.
Maybe this feature is from the climate-changed future, when showers will be a rare luxury and cool/cold will be a necessity for avoiding heat stroke.
Yeah, think of it as the editors at Allure creating the historical documents of the future. Seriously, historians will be all, “can you believe water was so plentiful in ancient America that people stood under an indoor waterfall for 10 minutes a day just to get clean?” It’s going to be, like, the vomitorium of 2250.
When Allure first started, they used to publish essays by John Updike and Joyce Maynard. They had a really fun feature where they would Photoshop pictures of celebrities to show you all of the tricks they use to make their fashion spreads look better.
Now they’re publishing instructions on how to shower.
Jesus, that’s sad.
* * *
Oh, and while it must be nice to be able to avoid facial soap and moisturizers, let’s try not to turn it into the “I’m less vain than you” Olympics, mmkay? Because otherwise you will make those of us who have skin conditions like rosacea that require special cleansers very annoyed. Just splashing my face with water instead of washing it with a gentle cleanser and applying Noritate is a one-way trip to walking around looking like i have a severe sunburn 24/7.
Mnemosyne, that is exactly the problem with the “one size fits all” instructions in the first place.
For me, I’m minimalist because a lot of products screw up my skin and make me break out or have headaches from the competing scents.
Some people need to use special products for skin conditions, true enough. Others find that all that this load of expensive potions does is create other problems, which can be best solved by adding in yet more potions to counteract the negative effects of the first set of expensive potions and so on and so forth.
eh hmmm….
Monty Python - Four Yorkshiremen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe1a1wHxTyo
75-80 degrees is not warm water. 75-80 degrees is COLD water. Try leaving a cup of coffee out for an hour–when you drink it at 75-80 degrees THAT’S COLD COFFEE/
Maybe if it were hot in your bathroom, say 85-90 degrees, an 80 degree shower might be nice. Or when it’s July and August. A cool summer shower…
But in general? Or in the winter? Give me that 99-101 degree shower, dammit. And until the hot water tank runs out.
Even the baby takes a warmer bath than that! The duckie/bath thermometers don’t go down to 80 degrees! It should be 94-96 to feel cool–you know, just under body temperature, not ROOM temperature.
Am I the only one who just uses shampoo to wash the rest of me as well? I had allergic reactions to the first shower gels and have been scared of them ever since.
Baby shampoo is really good for cleaning oily areas with out drying you out.
I come from a long line of pasty white faced, yet extremely oily people, so if I don’t use cleansers on my face, yucky stuff happens.
Turning 30 sucked b/c suddenly my T-zone got drier and needed to be exfoliated or moisturized in the winter. (yeah, I know, Allure et. al will tell you the T-zone is oily and the rest of your face is dry. Assholes.)
Turning 40 was worse, b/c now the rosacia is starting and I have to use cleansers and a sulfur-based cream to keep from looking all red and flushed and developing a W.C. Fields nose.
So, yeah, Interrobang, I hate you and your perfect work-free porcelain skin.
that is exactly the problem with the “one size fits all” instructions in the first place.
Totes. While I definitely agree with those who’ve said OMG What Is With All The Moisturizer, I have a tattoo, and because I want my tattoo to look nice in the long term, I moisturize religiously.
I think it’s important to keep in mind that women’s magazines exist almost purely to sell products. Which means they’re not thinking “OK, hey, some women might have X skin condition where they need Y product, let’s feature that for them…”, but “let’s get as many women as we can to think that their skin will fall off if they don’t use 5 different kinds of products on it.”
Coincidentally, my 5-year-old daughter decided this week that she no longer wants to take baths, she wants to take showers like a big girl. One day of instruction (how to keep the water out of her eyes, how to make sure all the naughty bits get rinsed well, etc.) and she’s doing wonderfully all by herself.
If I thought that there was REALLY a woman out there who was able to buy and read a magazine who didn’t know how to take a shower…
Some people need to use special products for skin conditions, true enough.
Or hell, because we’re vain and like how it looks. I never stop being amused at the ways people deny vanity on the internet. “No one can see my lipstick!”
I’ll be the first to admit. I dwell on my appearance at times out of vanity and neglect it at others out of laziness. Like double human flawed monster female imperfection hose beast. I’m the exact opposite of the ideal woman in all those Christian male wife wishlists: perfectly pulled together at all times and with a modest, humble demeanor about it.
Turning 40 was worse, b/c now the rosacea is starting and I have to use cleansers and a sulfur-based cream to keep from looking all red and flushed and developing a W.C. Fields nose.
Oh, my roseacea is double-plus fun right now because my skin decided it doesn’t like sulfur anymore and freaks out. Noritate is The Stuff, man, and I willingly paid out-of-pocket for it when my old health insurance refused to pay because it didn’t come in a generic version.
I started going to a facialist out of ridiculous pre-wedding vanity, but now ordinary vanity has kicked in and I go just because she makes my skin all pretty and not inflamed. Getting nasty things dug out of your pores by a professional with a sharp instrument sucks, but it sure works to prevent breakouts. Plus I get to be even snobbier than Allure readers and use organic products from Hungary that they’ve never even heard of.
Will this be a double post? Only the Shadow knows …
* * *
Turning 40 was worse, b/c now the rosacea is starting and I have to use cleansers and a sulfur-based cream to keep from looking all red and flushed and developing a W.C. Fields nose.
Oh, my roseacea is double-plus fun right now because my skin decided it doesn’t like sulfur anymore and freaks out. Noritate is The Stuff, man, and I willingly paid out-of-pocket for it when my old health insurance refused to pay because it didn’t come in a generic version.
I started going to a facialist out of ridiculous pre-wedding vanity, but now ordinary vanity has kicked in and I go just because she makes my skin all pretty and not inflamed. Getting nasty things dug out of your pores by a professional with a sharp instrument sucks, but it sure works to prevent breakouts. Plus I get to be even snobbier than Allure readers and use organic products from Hungary that they’ve never even heard of.
african black soap, the real stuff that looks like muddy oatmeal and smells slightly like vomit, is the greatest thing ever. it takes care of my and my roomates cystic acne and super oily skin and my fiance’s chronic dry red flaky skin. followed with either pure shea butter or pure jojoba oil. seriously, its all so much cheaper than expensive skin treatments but works amazing. i tried like every effing product when i developed adult acne and nothing helped til this.
If they’re going to insist on the shaving thing, the least they could do is explain how to get rid of razor burn.
Sadists.
Oh my, I’ve been doing it wrong all this time. I go in the wrong order, the water is too hot, and I’m using the wrong products. The only think I do right is “pat dry”.
Seriously, there was a segment on the Today show a couple months ago like this. The premise was that Americans bathe too often and we should only shower every couple of days unless we’ve been exercising or otherwise getting extra dirty. And showers should only be 5 minutes long, just washing the armpits, groin and feet.
Opoponax:
Not to be nitpicky, but the ancient Roman vomitoria were not actually places that people went to puke.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vomitorium
we’re bathing too often? is this like the Middle Ages when bathing opens you up to invasion by demons, or the like?
The main reason I haven’t yet asked the doctor if my perpetual red bumpy face is rosacea is out of the fear that she might suggest I do something about it. I really don’t have enough organizational power to manage to do anything about my face, and doctors do tend to look so disappointed in one when one tells them one doesn’t plan to do anything about one’s health problems.
I also have a wart on my toe. It hasn’t done anything obnoxious in all the time I’ve had it, which doesn’t really incline me to care about it.
Seriously, if I had to take showers according to this peculiarly complicated ablutionary scheme, I would never take a shower at all. If it can’t be washed with Ivory soap it doesn’t get washed at all, say I.
Not to be nitpicky, but the ancient Roman vomitoria were not actually places that people went to puke.
Well, they should have been.
Well, it’s pretty rare in women, but rosacea can lead to rhinophyma (pics are kinda gross). So it’s not something that it’s good to let run rampant if it’s getting worse.
Plus it may be a sign that you have an elevated inflammatory response, which can affect your healing from all kinds of things.
Do other women really shave every time they shower? I shave about once a month. If I showered that infrequently, people would not be happy.
I’m with you, Rocket Girl. My legs are lucky (or unlucky, depending on your perspective) to see a razor once a month. Less in winter. I do shave the armpits every couple of days, though.
Also, I don’t even always shower every day, especially in winter. If I haven’t done anything to get dirty or smelly, then I’ll take care of it every other day. I do wash my face every day, though, (with soap) because I love mascara and it can’t just stay on and cake up. I generally apply a light moisturizer after, also, because I have dry skin. I don’t wash the hair every day, usually every 3-4 days, but I do always use conditioner when I wash it because my hair is almost as dry as my skin.
Maybe guys are okay with the stereotype Ms Kate shared?
FWIW, my father had a bathrobe that after getting a bit worn devolved to Mother Avenger, who was 5′3″ to the Professors’ 6′2″, although I can’t say as to her use of it to and from the shower.
As for lotions, my noble spouse, Ilocano Avenger, uses slices of lemon to clean her nails, and lemon juice on her face, as well as various products from Avon and other places.
Interestingly enough, I read some recent research that lotions with vitamin C have some beneficial effects on the skin. I think it would be well-worth a try for those without any citrus-based allergies.
OK, I’ve got to ask: if your noble spouse is female (as the pronouns suggest), why isn’t she Ilocana avenger? (Or even “Ilokana,” if she favors the more traditional orthography?)
Because she refers to herself as an Ilocano. Her language isn’t as gender-selective as English, there being no 3rd-person pronoun for her/him he/she, and the word for younger sibling(ading) is also without a gender referent.
Clean the…groin with a creamy bodywash.
That is terrible hygiene advice for women and girls.