Holy mother of Disco Ball, is this just wrong. It’s a semen detection kit that is marketed for catching cheating spouses and teenagers who have unruly amounts of autonomy. Naturally, they are trying to suggest that it’s for catching both men and women, but of course, we know that’s just some ass-covering and defies all common sense that tells us that since men shoot the semen away from their bodies, clean-up to the point of avoiding detection would be simple enough. Also, as blogger Slut Machine notes, this would be really good at catching male masturbators (i.e., all men), if not cheaters. I’m sure some woman out there will try it, and much sorrow will be had as she discovers that her husband is a man and thus has trace amounts of semen in his underwear all the time, but on the whole, I see this being marketed towards men who are looking for novel ways to control wives and daughters now that the law is less cooperative than it used to be.
My main concern here is that the abstinence-only nuts are going to find out about this. (Probably shouldn’t blog about it, since many of them read this blog to get their daily titillation thinking about women who have sex without apologizing for it.) You think the metal detectors at school doors are ridiculous? Or think about all the annual dust-ups with over-zealous, perverted school officials start doing underwear checks on high school students. This could make the situation a thousand times worse, with school officials getting the brilliant idea of having panty drills, like fire drills except everyone has to submit to panty-testing to make sure that they’re not having Teh Sex. Sure, various civil liberties organizations would sue them into the ground, but don’t think the idea isn’t attractive. Though I suppose it would encourage young women to use condoms.
Anyway, it’s a rip-off. If you want to find out that there’s biological material in people’s underwear, you can just assume that there is. And if you’re skeptical, I recommend the black light as a cost effective alternative to satisfy your doubts.
29 Responses to “A chemical assistant for panty-sniffing”
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The double-plus-excellent part of this is when the men in question fail to realize that semen may “hang around” a woman’s vagina for more than a couple of hours. So some choad will have sex with his wife on Monday, test her panties on say, Wednesday, find his own semen and decide that she had sex with someone else on Tuesday. It would be hilarious if it wouldn’t inevitably lead to spousal abuse.
An added bonus for buying a handheld blacklight for detecting biological stains: It can help you find carpet stains when your cat is either too stupid or too stubborn to use the Disco Ball-damned litter boxes.
1 cat - seven boxes. Can she just pick one? Please?
Wow! Even before reading the whole article I was thinking, “Hmmm, almost all guys have, ahem, deposited on their drawers at some point.”
This is pretty damn useless. Plus can it distinguish semen contamination from laundry from more direct contact? If not, the only way this idiot device could work would be if there is separate male and female loads of laundry. Maybe there is some Levitican law about that…
Can you imagine being a teenage girl with the kind of crazy parents that would buy and use this product? Can you imagine having to surrender your underwear at the end of every day for testing? That is *so* scary. I think that that alone definitely constitutes abuse.
I’m sure a thorough reading of Leviticus would lead to an insistence on separate loads, no mixing of fabrics, probably separate machines, and much else. Though at the time it was written, laundry duties were probably slave work anyhow, so I guess that means the women should just give up the machines and scrub with those little brushes alongside rocky riverbeds.
And no sniffing, or we’ll cut your nose off, witch.
“male masturbators (i.e., all men)”
Hey, I resemble that remark. [no pun intended]
This has been your daily dose of cliched and not-funny jokes.
Carry on.
And wouldn’t condoms render the whole thing useless for women? They are *designed* to keep the semen contained and out of the naughty bits of sluts everywhere. I know my high school self made damn sure to keep the semen off me and it wasn’t because I was being chaste.
Ok, I can see how you can “discretely” receive a box from UPS, but now you’ve got to hide a baster-sized box that says “CheckMate” on it. In which case, you’d better be right about your spouse’s infidelity or you will be on the moral lowground when that fight happens. Hilarity ensues.
Solution: have sex with other women. Problem solved.
is it wrong that the first thing i thought was, “damn, them some nice underpants. i wonder where they’re from…”
?
…sigh, yeah, it’s wrong.
Now that just makes me pissed. Hello, big bro of the panties. If you’re that paranoid about your partner you either need to find yourself the door in that relationship, or have an honest discussion.
Eek! It’s the underpants gnomes!
The only person who should be getting all up in my panties is me, and the occasional invitee. Anybody else who cares what I’ve been doing with my vagina needs a new hobby.
roflmao Ginger
Haven’t they heard of washing up?
Solution: have sex with other women. Problem solved.
Or (with apologies to Bujold) make a comment about beard-rash and scratch your thigh absently…
One True Vegan, it’s not wrong. I thought the same thing.
“Wow! Even before reading the whole article I was thinking, “Hmmm, almost all guys have, ahem, deposited on their drawers at some point.””
Well pretty much every morning (with the correctly functioning biology) you’ll have trace amounts showing up.
One True Vegan - There are at least three of us. If it’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Naturally, they are trying to suggest that it’s for catching both men and women
How the hell do they figure? Does the thing also do DNA tests?
Why don’t they just bring back chastity belts, only call them “Freedom Keepers” or some other stupid name. Cheaper, simpler.
Or the misogynists who would be the target audience of this “detection” product can just give up all pretense of treating women with respect and chain her to the bed. That’s really what they want anyway…
MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION>>>
Wherever did you get those FABULOUS panties????
Please post a link, I really need a pair…
From the website:
So if it gets washed, then no, it won’t be effective.And I find this statement kind of confusing:
Really? Are they 100% sure that even after oral sex, there will be traces of semen in his underwear?The Semen Spy CSI Edition thing seems like a really excellent way for parents of a teenage boy to never be able to look at him (or his room) the same way again.
Also, “the nightmare of suspicion and doubt caused by…a sexually active teen” is possibly the creepiest thing I’ve read this month. People who seem to spend way too much time obsessing about how their teenage children might be using their genitals are disturbing.
Hey! I’d say at least 1% of men have some kind of medical condition where they ahem, can’t have “alone time” successfully!
I read the end of the second sentence as “teenagers who have unruly amounts of anatomy.” And I’m still giggling. ‘Unruly anatomy!’ ‘Hee!’
Manda,
The votes are in. Where, oh where, can one buy those fabulous panties?
Yours Truly,
Pantiless in Seattle
Does it work on blue dresses from the gap?
This lady could’ve used a unisexual version of this test, instead of going to extremes:
Folks, all you have to do is look at where Amanda got the image. It’s hosted directly on Kuati.com. Specifically, they are the Rosy Lingerie Champagne Satin Panties, a steal at 25 pounds. And they aren’t the only pretty items of clothing in that interesting shop.