Early reports about Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki’s attack on Basra last week indicated that struggle over the control of petroleum smuggling was the primary cause of the aggressive maneuver that ended in spectacular failure and the deaths of 350 souls. But later intelligence reports suggest that the major resource in question was not petroleum, but access to a variety of Nabisco© products, especially the soggy deliciousness of the various Newton® products, which taste especially wet and sweet on a hot desert day.
A spokesman for Nabisco© confirmed the reports, but expressed shock that cookies, no matter how delicious, should lead to such massive loss of life and limb. “At Nabisco©, we hope that cookies can be a source of peace and goodwill, not a precious resource that people will die for. However, we understand that when you really need a Fig Newton, you really need a Fig Newton. Substitutes, even those made by that demon Paul Newman, will never quite reach the levels of figgy heights of yum.”
Violence over Nabisco© products is not an unknown phenomenon. The Nabisco© representative, who declined to be named, admitted that battles over access to Nilla Wafers® had driven the violence in Northern Ireland more than a decade past. “Nabisco© admits that we were engaged in a marketing strategy aimed at Catholics, with the intent of replacing the host with Nilla Wafers® with the understanding that current communion wafers are dry and tasteless.”
The tagline to the campaign was, “Shouldn’t you savor your Savior?”
Unfortunately, lack of access to Nilla Wafers® resulted in major IRA bombing campaigns. The British government denies any attempt to keep Nilla Wafers® out of the grocery stores of Northern Ireland.
Why Nabisco? See Offsprung.
29 Responses to “Delicious fruit filling leads to 350 deaths in Iraq”
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Personally, I think what’s at the root of all this sectarian violence is those perverts who insist on the Nilla Wafer - Banana Slice pairing. Vile demons. May the Oreo goddess have mercy on their shriveled little souls.
See, it’s that sort of demeaning of a classic Southern cuisine that makes red staters all suspicious of the liberal elites.
Wasn’t there a mass recall of Fig Newtons a few years back because they found E. Coli? Apparently their fig supplier’s slaughter houses are not being properly inspected. Especially in the age of Mad Fig Disease, that’s unconscionable…
Stupid protestants and their potluck dinners.
350 deaths? What a perfect opportunity for a joke.
Further proof of the nearness of the Second Coming of our Lord and Savior. Remember that He cursed the Fig Tree - clearly He is now using its cursed fruit to cleanse the area of pagans in preparation for the Rapture.
Yeah! Humor never accomplished anything!
Good point, Mighty. Mocking the dead is something.
If only, Amanda, if only.
If they had only known about the fruity, chewy awesomeness of Trader Joe’s breakfast bars, the whole situation could have been avoided. Tragic, really.
…but, but, but, what is Jeremiah Wrght’s stance on tasty baked goods?
I bet both he and B. HUSSEIN Obama eat hoity-toity French pastries they get from some snooty-ass “boulangerie”. Hypocritical elitist snobs.
Goddam Obama can’t even bowl worth shit…
OMG, she’s mocking the dead? Wow, I had no idea! here I thought she was using the time-honored tradition of the April Fool’s hoax to mock the lies and shifting rationalities for the war, the media’s failure to accurately account for the fact that we’re absolutely unapologetically pursuing the continuation of this war even though it’s quite clear by now that it was entered into under false reasons… no, she must be actually making fun of the dead people themselves. Thank you so much for pointing that out to me because I clearly don’t spend nearly enough time being outraged at bloggers.
MP, get thee over to LJ, all the fruitnut bars you could want to be enraged at.
(Gotta admit, I was wondering ‘WTF?….ohhhhh, April 1, riiiighhttt…. no, I got it, pshhh, of course…….’)
The hell with JW’s views, MikeEss- what about Raspberry, Apple and Blueberry Newtons???
Please, won’t someone think of Teh “Othered” Newtons???
And with some work, mini individual cheesecakes can be made and shared by all…
http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,1813,159161-227206,00.html
“Please, won’t someone think of Teh “Othered” Newtons???”
…I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where their snacks will not be judged by the color of their filling but by the content of their calories…
(I beg forgiveness for borrowing MLK’s words and using them in the service of foolishness…)
falls off chair laughing…
ZOMG, banana pudding! Must find a vegan version STAT!
I have only one word for you….Hydrox.
I would gladly give all of the Nilla Wafers in the universe for just one last carton of Hydrox cookies…
….*sob*….
“Shouldn’t you savor your Savior?”
Fucking brilliant. I wonder if anyone’s ever actually tried something like that . . .
God, those pictures make me hungry…
Good point, Mighty. Mocking the dead is something.
It’s interesting watching someone who actually is part of the reason these people are dead delude himself. I’m not the one who thought the war was a great idea. I’m mocking the absurdity of it all, absurdity we wouldn’t have bought into without your helpful votes for Bush. You got blood on your hands, so you have no right to preen about over your “respect” for the dead you helped get killed.
Ha! This reminds me of Holy Toast Eucharist (It’s sacri-licious!” [TM]), a delightfully blasphemous little cracker I created for Easter last year.
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As for “dry and tasteless” — well, you are what you eat.
Amanda, Amanda, Amanda…how sloppy. Surely as a well-educated woman of the world, you know that a cookie is just a cookie…but Newtons are fruit and cake.
WOOOW…I never knew…HEY, WAIT A MINUTE…it’s April 1st!
“OMG, she’s mocking the dead? Wow, I had no idea! here I thought she was using the time-honored tradition of the April Fool’s hoax to mock the lies and shifting rationalities for the war,”
Well, then, the jokes on YOU!
Tag!
Is April Fools recursive?
Apparently joking about death is in bad taste!!
WASHINGTON — A former U.S. ambassador was the victim of an April Fools’ Day prank in which a friend ran an “in memoriam” ad in The Washington Post.
Edward Gabriel, who was the U.S. ambassador to Morocco from 1997 to 2001, said he fielded calls all day from friends who thought he had died.
It could have been worse.
A lot worse.
Never piss off a satirist.