This is a classic video about the ongoing sex toy battles in my fine home state of Texas.
Well, I celebrated the new-found legality of female masturbation in the state of Texas. One should never underestimate the lengths to which wingnuts will go to control female sexuality. The Texas AG Greg Abbott, who apparently has nothing better to do than to separate women from their dildos, has asked the 5th Circuit Court to rehear the sex toy case.
I’m trying to imagine the mindset of a man who doesn’t realize that when you try to take dildos away from women, basically everyone with a brain and/or a sense of humor is going to assume it’s because you’re afraid you can’t handle the competition.
But I am routinely assured by commenters here, at other feminist blogs, and at RH Reality Check that the opposition is not in this because they are misogynists that fear female sexuality or control freaks who can’t stand the idea of someone else having fun. No, they are in this to save the unborn babies. Opposition to the birth control pill and emergency contraception is about making sure that no microscopic babies that look remarkably more like formless balls of cells rather than infants get accidentally flushed by hormones. Nothing whatsoever to do with female sexuality, no siree. It’s all babies.
I realize it’s hard to see how a woman masturbating with a dildo is a secret form of abortion. But we promise, this is about the babies and life and stuff. You see, dildos are just so big, and if you stick one up yourself and you’ve got a fertilized egg banging around in there and don’t know it, you could just jostle the little fella and knock him right out. Or at least give the little guy quite a scare. There’s no such threat coming from the average wingnut penis, so no need to ban those. Sure, you people with your science and stuff might think that it’s impossible to scare a brainless ball of cells, but you have to understand that the good lord provides little angels for an embryo, so they can have all the feelings of fear and prayerfulness and resentment of women’s liberation that the unborn feel until they’ve developed brains and Sunday school training in these major feelings of their own.
So this is completely, 100% about babies. No misogyny, control issues, or wariness of female sexuality has any part to play in this.
73 Responses to “It’s about life! Babies! Life! Babies!”
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So this is completely, 100% about babies. No misogyny, control issues, or wariness of female sexuality has any part to play in this.
Dildoes ejaculate sperm?
Yeah, it’s the weirdest thing, I had an ex-girlfriend get pregnant by her vibrator. Not pretty. The state says it’ll never be smart enough to get into regular school, and it’s basically gonna be a bluecollar roomba all it’s life.
Tsk tsk, the more time you spend with your vibrator the less time you can spend makin’ babies for Jeezus!
Jesus is the “big boy” up above. Good for fuking.
Real men don’t NEED to eliminate the competition
Amanda…are you telling us that this argument has actually been put forth…AND I MISSED IT?
Please know I have to find it…can you help?
I guess they haven’t figured out that the place where the dildo goes is not the same place where the little babies are supposed to grow. Somebody missed anatomy class back in 9th grade.
Wow…and here I’ve been going around thinking that what was supposed to be wrong with sex toys was that a man might find himself on the receiving end of one, and never be the same again.
They haven’t tried, ahunt. This is satire. Someone alert Charlotte Allen.
I’m watching Idiocracy right now, and this obsession seems like it would fit right into that world…
Ultimately, some of these people are just anti-orgasm. If they could figure out a nice simple way to get the semen out without a male orgasm involved, I bet they’d pass laws outlawing orgasms altogether.
The gaping maw of Gilead awaits us all…
There’s no such threat coming from the average wingnut penis, so no need to ban those.
Naturally. The average dildo is way, way bigger than the average wingnut penis…
I’d say that’s about 95% of the problem, wouldn’t you?
BIG educational need!! lol
OMG, that was so funny.
Welcome to the monkey house, Mike.
Amanda, the problem is these idiots are beyond satire.
Is it possible that the AG is obligated to support state laws before the court at all times - that was the argument Spitzer made for opposing the gay marriage decisinos while supporting gay marriage. Or was that just a cop-out and this just pure wignuttery?
It’s really sad when a man is threatened by an inanimate object because that object knows how to satisfy a woman and he does not.
Oh God Amanda…the thing is…I live in rightwing podunk…and you will not believe some of the things that are said and believed.
It is not inconceivable you were satirizing actual beliefs.
My personal favorite regarding one man’s earnest objection to his middle-aged wife attending a “toy party” with my crew was that…dildos turn women into “lezzies.”
Who knew?
I think Yuri has a point. It’s the AG’s job to fight this all the way to the Supreme Court, whether he likes it or not.
Well, I celebrated the new-found legality of female masturbation in the state of Texas.
You used your fingers to blog. You R Celebrating Wrong.
I guess the man in question is such a brainless heartless tool, he would have cause to feel threaten over the possibility of his function being ‘outsourced’. To selective protectionalism!
Greg Abbott is all excited remembering 2004, when another federal court, the 11th Circuit, came out Abbott’s way on a sex toys case. It upheld the Alabama ban (and this was soon after Lawrence v. Texas emerged to protect sexual privacy). The Eleventh and Fifth Circuits are closely related–they used to be one court until the old Fifth Circuit got too big and had to be split more or less in half in 1981.
So Abbott is feeling cousinly with the nearby court that he thinks got it right. Because he lost by only one vote, he must figure he has allies on the full (”en banc”) Fifth Circuit, beyond the three-judge panel that ruled against him in February. The full court can turn him away without giving a reason, but then he really *might* have allies there.
And if he doesn’t, what the hell, the TX sex-positive vote’s small and Abbott doesn’t have to finance his own masturbation. Here’s hoping the judges will share Amanda’s question: Where does the chief lawyer of Texas get the time and cash to shake his fist at dildos again? Must be for something important like the baybeez.
I wonder what his actual For Real argument is. I mean, I’m pretty sure his heart-of-hearts argument is something along the lines of “Women shouldn’t be allowed cuz they’re women and using those ‘things’ would be oppressive to real men” but what is the actual argument he’ll present to court? Probably something like “THINK OF THE CHILDRENS!!!”
Also, the faux argument presented is probably not that fair off from the pseudo-science he’ll be likely to present.
I have to say, I think that by doing this the man has shown himself for exactly what he is, an ignorant, frightened, sexually-frustrated bigot.
It’s one thing for the puritans in ‘days of yore’ to have written these laws. Again it’s even plausible that people wouldn’t want to change them because it is too embarasing to acknowledge that we ever made them… But to wait until we change them and try to repeal them? Laughable.
Good Gollly Ms. Molly! How I do miss her.
I think Yuri has a point. It’s the AG’s job to fight this all the way to the Supreme Court, whether he likes it or not.
I’m not a lawyer, but I think the AG has some right to make priorities. But that said, it’s irrelevant, because even if your point is accurate, I think that means the AG has to appeal. But this is asking the same court to reconsider, which is a much different thing, isn’t it?
Where is the Charlotte Heston to make a suitable parody of this famous moment?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0B_UZNtEk4
Hitachi Magic Wand held proudly aloft, my only question would be what would be the appropriate logo for a backdrop.
Well, kudos to TX for at least temporarily lightening up. How long until MS jumps on the sanity train?
Don’t answer that.
Having a vibrating, surrogate penis is lewd, it would seem, but sticking a penis-shaped head up there while allowing a mouse stimulate your clitoris is not construed as lewd.
W…..T……F??????
;)
“They haven’t tried, ahunt. This is satire. Someone alert Charlotte Allen.”
This argument sort of has been made though. Well, maybe not the jostling around the baby argument, but the argument that masturbation is evil in part because it doesn’t foster a “culture of life” or whatever the fuck they call it. It’s the same reason why condoms are sinful. Because condoms and masturbation seperate sex from procreation, they are evil. But what makes NO SENSE AT ALL is that the “rhythm” method is considered okay. “Rhythm” birth control was explained to be okay because it still allowed God to get you pregnant if he so wanted. Umm, this is God we’re talking about. He can get you pregnant with condoms or even masturbation if he wanted. You know, that whole omnipotent thing??? I went to catholic shool as a kid, and had to go through sex ed learning this shit. I’m actually kinda glad I did, because it was a kind of an instant “wow, I find catholic teachings to be full of shit”. It was the moment I thought to question everything I “knew” (aka abortion is evil, god has a zombie son named jesus…)
Bingo.
Same reason Texas also outlaws porn sites and Playboy. True story.
The actual argument the AG is making is this (copied from Slate’s story):
hmmm so if say a woman knows that when she’s around the time her period is supposed to happen and that having sex will bring it on (espcially if she is late) is she guilty of “murder of the unborn?”
Seriously what are they going to do, put a camera in your bedroom to make sure you haven’t widdled a dildo from a tree branch that fell in your backyard? Ot run daily hormone levels to see if you are near your period.
These people need to be stopped. If nothing else so that rational Americans can travel to other western countries and not be laughed at. Though there is plenty to laugh at.
They want to outlaw this?
In all fairness, it is really difficult to tell sometimes.
clytemnestra, ow. A hand- whittled wooden dildo?
*clutches bits*
Caroline - sandpaper takes away the “ow”
stain it, put on a coat of polyurethane
voila! dildo
and if you wanted to make it faster use a lathe (but tell the shop teacher you are turning a spindle)
Grow zucchini.
But organic zucchini, of course.
Pick when they’re the right size, whatever that is.
I’m told that they won’t, er, hold up for more than one or two uses - I haven’t actually tried this myself - but that for a one-night stand, a zucchini is better than chocolate.
- Because chocolate melts at body temperature. You’ve got to put it in the freezer if you want it to last, and even then, you’re going to have a hell of a mess on the sheets.
“Grow zucchini.
But organic zucchini, of course.
Pick when they’re the right size, whatever that is.”
…then some asshole decides that zucchini must be banned to uphold the morality of the community. As well as cucumbers, bananas, certain eggplant, carrots, etc.
Of course, however, if properly shaped vegetables and fruit are outlawed, only outlaws will have properly shaped vegetables and fruit…
Hey, you know where I can score some zucchs? I’m really hurtin’.
Yeah, but it’s gonna cost you…
where did my comment go on how to do it? I saw it up here, whent over to Dailykos, came back and now it’s gone
Dammit. “This video is no longer available.”
I just watched it
well, not just fruit and vegetables
flashlights
ling necked bottles
:-)
Oh hell, why not just mandate oven mitts for teh evul wimin so those nasty fingers don’t wander? Also hard to grasp objects that way!
This thread is bringing gardening and shop class to different level.
next up, ceramic and silicon sculpting
dildos turn women into “lezzies.”
Dangit, am I using the wrong one? I’m still a straight girl!
Thanks so much for this great post, and especially for the “you’re afraid you can’t handle the competition” line…it’s the kind of incisive remark that the great Molly Ivins would have used.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dildo
Interesting read…
Of course, however, if properly shaped vegetables and fruit are outlawed, only outlaws will have properly shaped vegetables and fruit.
And megachurch ministers in wetsuits …
I’m trying to imagine the mindset of a man who doesn’t realize that when you try to take dildos away from women, basically everyone with a brain and/or a sense of humor is going to assume it’s because you’re afraid you can’t handle the competition.
A lot of Texas politicians seem to be a few years behind the average insecure male misogynist. Ordinary misogynists have figured out to a greater extent how pathetic it is to whine about how women shouldn’t get to have sex with anything but your penis because they might like it better. Eventually the politicians will catch up.
If a dildo could cause an abortion, so could sneezing. I feel bad for wingnut women, having sex and then furiously clenching their pussies shut for nine months or until their next period lest to poor little baby drop out.
…It does explain a lot, though…
Only if they’re using them for “education” purposes.
The vegetable idea is funny, but the image of flashlights or longnecked bottles makes me cringe. *shudder* Too dangerous, it would seem to me.
A particularly chatty ex-coworker once told me all about her and her boyfriend’s fun with veggies and cameras- they also decorated her with candy canes for December.
Cara - you just need to be careful … it was a desparte time - desparate teenagers without access to a shop or a catalog in the late 70’s. Which was my point, people will ALWAYS come up with something.
cara - one just needed to be careful (and use thicker glass bottles like that for beer — astroknots are something I’m really looking into — but my point was that people will ALWAYS come up with something.
Including desparate teens without access to a shop or catalog.
well that’s two comments in moderation
People. God made our hands exactly long enough to hang down to our crotches for a reason. Let’s not forget the noble purpose our fingers were designed for.
The state also argued in a brief that Texas has legitimate “morality based” reasons for the laws, which include “discouraging prurient interests in autonomous sex and the pursuit of sexual gratification unrelated to procreation.”
I have to sympathise. I’ve tried doing it in a non-prurient fashion but, you know, it’s really difficult…
Wouldn’t you love to get one of these guys (and I’m assuming they’re guys) on the witness stand and start asking personal questions about their own physical, marital and “autonomous” activities?…
The true abomination against God? Back scratchers. You’re clearly trying to thwart God’s plan to have all of us scratch the middle of each other’s back because otherwise our arms would reach up there.
I frequently use zazzle t-shirts to illustrate my blog. It’s a gimmick, pure and simple, the revenue is beer money at best.
But this is the very first time I have ever made a T-Shirt to illustrate someone else’s post. Ok, I wrote a few words, too.
Please steal the idea. [zazzle.com] As much as I’d like to make some money, it would be even more fun to have a thousand different versions out there.
And even more fun if they were on people in front of the Texas AG’s office.
Down, perhaps, but not up and in.
Funny as hell. Thanks for sharing.
Damn, I miss Molly Ivins.
People. God made our hands exactly long enough to hang down to our crotches for a reason. Let’s not forget the noble purpose our fingers were designed for.
You R Wrong. You’ll note that the knuckles are JUST short enough so you don’t poke yourself in the eye while you have an index finger buried in a nostril.
Right idea, wrong vice.
Of course, we all know what the real problem with sex toys is. A woman might have an orgasm without getting pregnant. And we CAN’T HAVE THAT.
Explain th knuckledraggers… what the heck were THEY designed for? Foot fetishes??
Caroline I just need to fix your comment.
There
“There’s no such threat coming from the average wingnut penis, so no need to ban those.
Naturally. The average dildo is way, way bigger than the average wingnut penis…”
So that’s why the donkey is the symbol of the Democratic party! Or maybe non-wingnut men are just less likely to be jealous of an inanimate object.
I (sadly) suspect that the “they might like it better” idea is even too far.
My guess is that these clowns have no consideration whatsoever about women’s pleasure in the first place.
Remember, these folks think woman was specifically made by God to please man. I suspect their real objection to dildos is two-fold. First, that it allows women to be in any way sexual without a man being present, and second, that gay men might use one.
Vaginas may have been installed on women, but only for the pleasure of men.
That, and facing the consequences of their wives saying “Wait, this is supposed to please me too?”
Explain th knuckledraggers… what the heck were THEY designed for?
Voting Republican. God, you’re slow today, louise…
clytemnestra, thanks for the correction! I think you are correct
Right now, as I type this, that is the header for the comments section of this article.
I find that rather amusing……
Thanks, PiaToR; a nice chuckle is a great way to start the weekend!
For anyone who believes that sex is only for makin’ babies, consider the following…
Humans masturbate.
Humans have sex during menstruation.
Humans have sex during pregnancy.
Humans have sex after menopause.
Many sexual encounters do not involve coitus.
So, think again!
Humans have sex for affection, intimacy, pleasure, and fun.
Children are a natural consequence of unprotected heterosexual sex.
In other words, children are what happens if you’re not careful.
And if we had children every time we had sex, how many children would the average person have? And how overcrowded would our tiny planet be now?
Jerry Steinberg
Founding Non-Father of NO KIDDING!
The international social club for childless and childfree couples and singles
www.nokidding.net; info@nokidding.net
Okay…so I tell this story at work, and the women are rolling…bear in mind…the majority of us are mid-middle aged plus, and all of us married comparitively young.
But the kids who work for me are puzzled as to why it took us, to a woman, so many years to get our groove on…on a regular basis, and why the thought of “toys” didn’t occur to us until well after we had had our last kid.
Thank Feminism. Viva fearless young women. And particularly, viva the parties that made it safe for us’n older gals to check out the merchandise.