I think people want to believe it’s fake b/c they’ve been taught women are desperate for the ring, and if a guy would offer it, why would any woman reject it?

No we think it’s fake because: the announcers telegraphed it. The mascot was ready to comfort him with a beer. it took place on the court and not up in the stands.

If you’re just going to talk it over like reasonable people, why do you need a ring? If you’re going to play it by the book, it’s supposed to be a surprise.

Thinking that you surprised her with the ring isn’t binary thinking, it’s what you initially said you did. You were pretty explicit about not “talk[ing] it over” and actualling “surpris[ing]” her. And yet, obviously, you did “talk it over like reasonable people.” As far as I can tell, the only difference between what you did and what you were initially complaining about is that she just wasn’t physically there with you when you bought the actual ring.

Try being clearer next time and drawing fewer thin lines between things that are in the end pretty much the same, and people will be less likely to think you did something you didn’t do.

(I should note that I am quite pure in all respects since I didn’t have an engagement ring or a bridal registry.)

And if your partner literally can’t be relied upon to buy one piece of jewelry for you without you hovering over his/her shoulder, is marriage really in the cards for you at that point?

Except that it’s not just one piece of jewelry. It’s something that the woman is expected to wear every day for the rest of her life — to the point that many women can’t even get the damn thing physically off their bodies. So picking out this item is an extrremely personal decision. To each their own, and I am happy for you and your wife, but I couldn’t imagine my husband picking something out that I would have to wear every day. And we know each other pretty well, having lived together for 13 years.

That seems a little shallow. My husband gets my taste generally right more often than not, but misses a significant amount of the time and is perfectly fine with my returning said misses for things I pick out myself. Taste does not equal worldview; an inability to predict my taste in fripperies doesn’t make him any less intelligent, kind, funny, and flexible, and those are the qualities I married him for.

In what sense do you think my wife was left out of the loop? It’s not like I surprised her with the whole thing - we talked about marriage, we’d occasionally talked about engagement rings that she would “hypothetically” like, she estimated her ring size, and when I finally popped the question - in an extremely obvious place for a proposal - she basically said “duh, of course.” And she thought the ring was great. She literally had every available input into the process short of pointing at one and saying “buy that.”

Now who, exactly, is exhibiting binary thinking? There’s a space between “I picked a ring with absolutely no input from you or consideration for your tastes” and “yes, I’ll marry you; now let’s go pick out the ring you’re going to buy me.”

Picking out your own ring is like getting cash for Christmas. Sure, it meets the bare minimum the situation requires; but something is definitely lost. An interpersonal connection. A chance to prove that you really can get a sense of another person’s perspective. And if your partner literally can’t be relied upon to buy one piece of jewelry for you without you hovering over his/her shoulder, is marriage really in the cards for you at that point? Shouldn’t the other know you a little better than that?

Ha! My sister has a similar story. It’s wasn’t quite as intimate a moment as the one I think you are hinting at, but it happened by accident, when they were in bed together. He’d been planning on asking her; in fact already had the date and time all set up. Then they were (not quite) arguing one night because of something he said that made sis feel like maybe he wasn’t all that into her after all, and he just sort of blurted out that he wanted to get married, and don’t you?

She swore us bridesmaids to secrecy (ha!) bc he would be embarrassed, but I thought it was really sweet and a lot more genuine than a big production. I think he “officially” asked her on the date he had already planned for, and that’s the story she probably tells everyone else.

Is it really a we/our thing if half the couple is left out of the loop?

The surprise ring dates

Now that producing a ring is considered central to the drama of a proposal, it has become a package deal.

When my father proposed, he gave my mother a family ring but offered to have the stone re-set if she didn’t like the style. I think Miss Manners has hit it on the head — the idea of buying a surprise ring is a new-fangled idea, part of the scripted, showman-like aspect of romance and weddings in America today.

I know a couple who really loved the Chicago Blackhawks (and hockey in general). He did propose to her with one of those billboards that said “Will you marry me, [woman’s name]?” However, they had discussed it and it absolutely was a yes, So for them, it wasn’t pressure at all. But I can definitely see how in this dynamic, the guy appeared to be hoping that the pressure of the crowd would entice her to say yes.