For those who need it spelled out for them: the point is that we don’t want to be judged, for better or worse. If I can be judged beautiful by a man, I can be judged ugly. A compliment or words spoken in the heat of passion, when they sound genuine and loving, are completely different. Reassuring me when I’m talking about hating the feeling that I have to live up to a man’s expectations that, hey, I live up to his, is counter productive.

That’s what the author of the article does and doesn’t get. He knows he’s supposed to fall for the woman, not her body, but he fails to grasp that in this context, his compliments are completely hollow.

I don’t mean to imply that we’re better or more monogamous or anything

I hope you didn’t read my comment as sarcastic or skeptical. A little flip and over-the-top with my misanthropy, maybe, but not sarcastic.

I don’t doubt that the sexual neuroses of the lesbian and straight communities differ in some respects, as would be expected. I’m sure that Ailurophile is right that this behavior is closely linked to self-loathing and sexual insecurity, which I’m sure manifest quite differently in gay women and straight men and women in our culture. I also suspect that the dynamic I’m describing diminishes somewhat as people age and have less time and energy to engage in such unproductive perversity; it may be just another stage of sexual experimentation that people grow out of, like the “if you love me, then you will put up with anything I do, no matter how narcissistic and atrocious” phase. (Most people do grow out of that, right?)

Then again, two people trapped in a marriage often have plenty of time with nothing to do but try to destroy each other. So maybe it doesn’t necessarily get better with age.

Also, being one Jewish dyke, I do not fall into that demographic of being part of a long-term couple. But I still tend to get blinders when I am in a relationship, and don’t notice anyone but her.

Matt (at #60), ime/ymmv, people who want to exert power over other people do so because they don’t like themselves very much. If you have two people in a relationship who are reasonably-confident/well-adjusted, however, you *don’t* have those screwy power dynamics.

one jewish dyke:

It could also just be my personality and not a lesbian thing, but I also don’t know too many coupled friends who keep looking after they are in a relationship.

Kudos to both of you for being happy and well-adjusted, and therefore not exposed to the dynamics I described. It would be better world if more people were in your position.

For the rest of us self-hating, petty, egocentric freaks, though, romantic love is closely tied to the urge to destroy another human being.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

(NB: I’m being almost completely serious.)

I regularly read celeb gossip site OhNoTheyDidnt which is a nightmare if you’re a feminist because the majority of commenters there (and there are many) are young, female and have absorbed every last ounce of patriarchy that can fill a young soul.

One thing that drives me INSANE is when the weight of a young female celeb is discussed in that whole “she’s too fat, now she’s too thin” way and there is a complete lack of awareness that the “perfect weight” they’re describing as so easily achievable hovers about 1 kilo up and 1 kilo down. Ie. a woman gains 2 kilos and everyone says she looks fat and then loses 4kgs again and she’s at death’s door and “she’s needs to gain weight”. And there is absolutely NO understanding that this delicate hovering act at one set weight is absolutely impossible, especially for women who are already at such a low weight as to make any change very obvious.

I’m definitely more sensitive to this particular issue as I have an eating disorder but not any of the typical body dysmorphia that goes with it, so I know full well that my ideal weight looks good on me (not sick, just right) but it’s impossible to maintain and I am someone on whom those extra couple of kilos do make a difference.

Also, on the topic of average looking or ugly actresses being cast in something like “Ugly Betty”, I think at least part of it is that the audience is far more likely to love and embrace Betty in the knowledge that the actress playing her is gorgeous IRL, so they don’t have to deal with the discomfort (the horror!) of a person who would genuinely be considered less desirable than her peers in Hollywood in reality. Whether that’s a perception of the audience or truly how the masses feel I don’t know, but I’m inclined to believe the latter.

Laughing my ass of at your last post.

Spot on. Sometimes we get pissy about the stupidest shit.

I briefly dated a guy just like this. He complemented me profusely on my looks and gushed about how great it was that I was “hot but didn’t know it”. He described an ex of his who’s flaw was that she was “beautiful but really knew it”.
So what I got out of that is that it was very, very important to this guy that the women he date not be too confident. Sadly, I think he’s far from alone in that respect.