I’m really happy with this week’s podcast. I’ve got a review of the Republican YouTube debate and the question of “How much time should she do?” and an interview with Harriette Wimms, who wrote a really great piece in the book Choice about the different treatment she got when she was getting infertility treatments as a woman perceived as straight (and married) and how she was treated when she came out and was applying for infertility treatments as a lesbian. There are a lot of great stories in that book, but Wimms’ story really blew my mind. The tone, the condescending treatment, all that was most like the pieces in the book that described pre-women’s liberation movement reproductive life, except that all this happened to her just a few years ago! It was a disturbing reminder of how far we haven’t come.
13 Responses to “Lesbians and infertility treatments”
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For some reason, this was in my mind lately: we really have to get over our simplistic notion that sexuality=reproduction and that only heterosexual people have a desire to reproduce because they’re the ones who have “reproductive” sex. Plenty of straight people don’t want kids at all, and that’s normal, but plenty of gay people do want kids, and that’s normal as well. It’s a human urge, not a “straight” urge.
Heck, given that we know that dogs and cats are willing to adopt animals of other species, I don’t even know that we can call it a “human” urge. A social mammal urge, maybe?
I’m sure a bisexual/gay man getting a vasectomy might attract the same treatment.
I was talking to a friend the other day (casual acquaintance maybe, not friend) who is in the same nursing program I’m in. She knows that I’m gay, and we were walking out of the hospital chatting about our next rotation, Pediatrics. I was telling her how absolutely excited I was because I love children. I referenced my two nephews - ages 2 and 8 months. Her first reaction was, “Are you going to have problems with clinical and kids because you’re gay. Like are you going to have to make sure another nurse is with you when you’re doing treatments or whatever.” My jaw dropped and I said, “No…why would I?” She went on to say that a lot of gays have, “You know…attractions with children.” I couldn’t believe it, so I just said no. Then I told her that I wanted kids of my own someday and again she said, “Aren’t you gay though? How are you going to get kids?” I could tell that I was talking to a Neanderthal and let it go. Besides, we had to part ways at that moment. I just have such a hard time understanding why me being single, young, and gay precludes me from wanting to have children and find someone who has a similar goal.
And I’m not trying to steal the light here from lesbian infertility injustice. I can just really relate. Homosexual = zero reporoductive rights. That’s my little anecdotal story, anyway.
I’m sure a bisexual/gay man getting a vasectomy might attract the same treatment.
Uh, what does a sterilization procedure have to do with fertility treatments? They’re opposites by definition.
There is some definite connection between fertility treatment and sterilization. The comparison here would be the difficulty faced by homosexuals in attempting to become parents and the difficultly faced by heterosexuals in attempting to not become parents. There are certainly many instances where people have been denied sterilization operations due to the doctor’s adherence to the same heteronormative attitude that leads to the denial of fertility for homosexuals. Boris’ question seems to be misfocused though. One might expect the prevalent attitude to make it easy for homosexuals to obtain sterilization, would they happen to seek it. Though why they might do so isn’t clear to me.
The comparison here would be the difficulty faced by homosexuals in attempting to become parents and the difficulty faced by heterosexuals in attempting to not become parents.
That makes sense. Comparing (equating?) lesbians getting fertility treatments to gay men getting vasectomies doesn’t.
Gay men getting vaasectomies, no; bisexual men, yes.
“Aren’t you gay though? How are you going to get kids?” I could tell that I was talking to a Neanderthal and let it go.
Wow. What an opportunity.
I guess the Neanderthal descriptor is equally accurate, but I prefer to think of those folks as ‘walking teachable moments’. YMMV.
And yes, it’s weird getting fertility services. My favorite moment was when the specialist said, ‘Well, let’s rule out the obvious before we run up a huge bill.’[turns to me] ‘Is it possible that you’re Rh-positive?’
My reply was a remarkably equable, ‘You know, you’re the expert, but I’d think that the donor’s Rh factor would be more relevant’. Mrs Phoenix was laughing too hard to speak.
That was a person who was NOT going to administer lesser care, or treat our fertility issues as less important, just because neither aspiring parent was male. No sir, I’m not prejudiced! I’ve just never worked with a lesbian couple before…
It was heartwarming, really, having expected to face challenges in accessing fertility medicine. We loved it. And definitely the first of many teachable moments in parenting.
PhoenixRising:
Yes, typically I would say the same thing. And I had many other conversations (have many other conversations…) that are primarily educate or enlighten. Er…when I’m not on my High Horse ™.
Let’s just say after a 12-hr shift of educating/teaching my paralyzed patients how to direct their self-care I was out of Generous Juice ™.
And I loved hearing your story! I really hope I get to work with same-sex couples some day in my nursing career relating to reproductive stuffs.
It’s a good time, let me tell you…wondering how many different times you have to explain things. And, the assumption that if you are a non-bio parent of one child, the fact of your infertility is somehow less. I love my son. And, I wanted to make a baby…inside me.
I know infertility sucks for most people. I look forward to the day when the differences about how is sucks are welcome.
I dunno. I think CreamyBoris may have a point. I don’t mean to trivialise people’s desire to breed, but if you’re a straight couple trying to conceive and can’t you’ve got a medical problem you might want looked at. You haven’t if you’re a lesbian couple, because not getting pregnant in the absence of contact with semen is perfectly normal and healthy. It’s if you were getting knocked up spontaneously that you’d need to see a doctor.
It does seem a bit weird and pointless about giving fertility treatment to someone who’s perfectly well and capable of conceiving. Straight couples seeking fertility treatment are basically trying to restore normal function - if they could have their own kids naturally they would. Lesbian couples aren’t. They’re seeking treatment because for social reasons they’d rather the kid had an extra mother and didn’t have a legal father. That’s fair enough, but if someone went into medicine wanting to heal the sick I can see why they’d be a bit nonplussed about it.
You haven’t if you’re a lesbian couple, because not getting pregnant in the absence of contact with semen is perfectly normal and healthy.
You missed the part where women had “had contact with semen” (as with artificial insemination) and couldn’t conceive, so they sought medical help?
So, just checking, only heterosexuals “deserve” to conceive, and if a lesbian has trouble conceiving, well, tough shit, she should have been straight if she wanted a baby?
james apparently thinks that infertility is always a “female” problem and never that straight men occasionally have low or non-existent sperm counts (or other issues) because absence of sperm is only a lesbian problem…or… hell I don’t know what he was trying to say and I don’t think he does either…