Apparently, the Hello Kitty vibrator is back.
It’s easy for the unafflicted to laugh at stuff like this and move on, but as a public service announcement, I have to say that Hello Kitty addiction is no joke. And it does sneak into the bedrooms of otherwise happy couples, wreaking cute destruction on functional sex lives and on the relationships themselves. I know, because I read Hello Kitty Hell, the long sorrowful wail of a man who has seen his wife get sucked deeper and deeper into her addiction. The vibrator is just the tip of the iceberg that is Hello Kitty’s plans to destroy the sex lives of innocent people by cuting the libido out of existence. For instance, this man is confronted between telling his wife that she looks great at her weight (and risk that she get her belly button pierced) and not saying that and implying that she’s a fatass.
The “until I lose weight…” was followed by a long pause waiting for me to answer. I know from vast experience that “No dear, you look perfect.” was the correct answer, but that meant that I may have to look at a Hello Kitty navel ring for the rest of my life. On the other hand, “yes, good idea” meant I would have a lot of lonely nights ahead of me.
Before you rush to judge him, consider this, perhaps in an oral sex-related context:
And you can feel his pain.
Then there’s this:
I don’t know if anyone remembers the days of the alt.sex Usenet groups, but one in particular alt.sex.hello-kitty struck me, at the time, as a joke. Now I suspect that it was the last refuge for people whose sexualities had been permanently warped by the Hello Kitty addiction. A sample from the FAQ, for those who don’t wish to fuck around with newsgroup links:
3c) How does Hello Kitty give head?
Alas, Hello Kitty sometimes wishes she had a mouth so she could perform
fellatio. However, since she is able to generate powerful suction with
her vaginal muscles, she has yet to leave a partner unsatisfied. Hello
Kitty is also able to extend and move her labia so that they can “lick”
like a pair of tounges.3d) How does Hello Kitty eat?
Hello Kitty does not need to eat. Hello Kitty lives on sunshine, fresh
air, and lots and lots of hot cum shot up into her pussy.
40 Responses to “The lecherous evil of Hello Kitty addiction”
Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>
Would it make me a bad parent to buy one for my daughter? She’s 17, and lives with her mom, and has a deep hatred for all things Hello Kitty, and yet I can’t stop thinking it would be a hilarious gift. (Her mom got her a vibrator some months ago–I’m not supposed to know that.)
im pretty sure ive never seen it’s hello pussy.
that commentary is a little too close to beastiality ;6
but the bustier is cute.
from the alt.hellokitty thread:
“We should also mention that many people believe that there is an evil
anti-Hello Kitty, known as “Goodbye Kitty”, who looks just like Hello
Kitty except that she has a mouth.”
Poor Hello Kitty also lives in a patriarchal hell where Kitties with mouths/voices are Evil :p
Those battery operated wands don’t do it for my rosebud — I think it’d just be frustratingfor a Hello Kitty addictive.
But perhaps that’s the point — if it isn’t, may I recommend the Hitachi Wand? (Although it only “comes” (cough) in bland white and gray.)
Haven’t found a better version in decades of use.
I’m at a loss for words…
All of my female friends have gotten a kick out of this vibrator, and lamented that we couldn’t have one. None of us, however, have a thing for all things Hello Kitty.
That being said- now on the market for one.
Nix the bustier/corset though, for me. I find Hello Kitty to suck the sexiness out of, well, anything.
there’s also a hello kitty urinal target on that guy’s blog. i might say that that’s just sexist enough to belong on that other recent posting of misogynistic doodads –except for the fact that HK is orderingthe man to pee on her marker. Hk may have no mouth but i have a feeling that she is a demanding & pervasive little dominatrix.
well, goddamnit. apparently it’s back in the form of a round little key chain? that’s not what I wanted. first that waste-of-time licensing seminar, now this. my weekend’s officially ruined.
oh, and then there are those unfortunate professional and internship settings, where one kinda gives a fuck, and has to say, “uh, don’t touch that! I mean, uh, I have a problem with people touching my keys”. ‘cause you know- that vibrating action on a key chain… fun trying to explain that one away.
I think I want one.
okay, so I guess the real deal is back, but where?
I want one. And Bitch, PhD, backs it up, so it must be good.
Ergh. That bustier/corset thing looks too much like a disposable diaper for my liking.
Poor Hello Kitty also lives in a patriarchal hell where Kitties with mouths/voices are Evil :p
Excuse you, I think you mean Hello Kitty lives in a Hello Patriarchy.
I’m sorry, but I think that looks like the most uncomfortable vibrator EVER. The bottom is shaped like a squared off point of DOOM and the top, well…I’m not sure what part is supposed to be tickling my clit but, um, I don’t want those sharp little ears anywhere near it. I’ll just stick with the Rabbit, thanks.
I was expecting the rant of a wingnut on the dangers of vibrators… but that was weird.
If you’re a Hello Kitty addict, does that mean you’re into bestiality?
I find this guy’s suffering endlessly amusing, but that may be because I once knew someone who was completely addicted to Hello Kitty.
Everything in her room carried the brand. Everything but the dolls that weren’t Hello Kitty on her Hello Kitty shelves.
And this was her college dorm room down the hall from mine.
Finally. My best gauge of someone’s attitudes returns in glory.
It’s cute, but flea’s review is all I need. I’ve had a rattly battery-op vibrator before - bleach!
Speaking of cats, I can’t help but be cheered up by this:
http://darwinawards.com/slush/new/pending20071114-151023.html
Man Found Dead, Stuck In Cat Door
2007 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
ST. JOHNS COUNTY, Fla. — St. Johns County deputies recently launched an investigation into what they called one of the strangest accidents they’ve ever seen when a man was found dead after getting stuck in a cat door.
Investigators said 32-year-old Charles Tucker Jr. was using the cat door early Saturday morning as a way to get back into his girlfriend’s St. Augustine home after the woman kicked him out.
Deputies said several hours after his girlfriend told him to leave she found him stuck in the cat door.
…so the frickin creep try to break into her house like some kind of horror movie psycho, serves him right to get struck. If I was his EX-girlfriend and found him struck I would have walked away for a glass of wine.
Nacho Daddy,
Give your daughter access to a credit card and let her order one herself. I’d be careful as hell of giving anything sexually-related to my daughter, hilarious or no. You wouldn’t be a bad parent to give such a thing, just an unwise one. Which isn’t to say that she couldn’t just have one turn up in her dresser one day. Stranger things have happened.
And I second the vote for a Hitachi Magic Wand. That thing, as loud, plugged-in, and bulky as it is, is still the standard. Plus, it has attachments (sold separately, except at certain online retailers.)
Wow. I didn’t know that the Hello Kitty Addiction was this huge. Ouch.
I feel a bizarre urge to search for Hello Kitty hentai
rule 34 of the internet:
There’s porn of it. No exceptions.
that’s not even a difficult one. you might find QUALITY porn of it, of which there is no guarantee rule.
But perhaps that’s the point — if it isn’t, may I recommend the Hitachi Wand? (Although it only “comes” (cough) in bland white and gray.)
puff paint. give it a big, toothy grin like the bullets from Super Mario.
I’m all for parents giving their teenage daughters vibrators, as a way of saying “I understand that you need to explore your own sexuality, and it’s all perfectly normal.” But I find the idea of giving one’s daughter a vibrator as a gag-gift a bit creepy, but then that’s me.
I had a great college friend who died a bit over a year ago. She would have gotten a kick out of a Hello Kitty vibrator gag gift. Sigh.
I believe this is the first time I’ve ever seen the phrase “cute destruction”, anywhere. Possibly the first time it’s ever been written. You may want to trademark it…
In any case, this is some funny shit, when it’s not creepy that is.
I’d think not. She’s a ‘toon. If ‘toons were real then perhaps they wouldn’t have civil rights, but they ought to. Sentient beings, capable of giving consent and owning their own pleasure.
We might, in some parallel universe with living ‘toons, be perplexed by questions of age of consent. At what age would Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck become a consenting adult? Betty Boop? That character in Rodger Rabbit drawn to portray an infant? How would we define age anyway?
It gets right into those murky waters of defining human nature we got into debating whether or not Cylons proved human free will is an illusion. If a ‘toon is making risque wisecracks before the ink dries, are they adult or not?
But it’s not bestiality–at any rate not if the character talks somehow. (For a being with no mouth HK says a great deal, like Snoopy.)
These are my ethical theories which are mine…
Wow, posted first try!
“…If I was his EX-girlfriend and found him struck I would have walked away for a glass of wine.”
And then poured it on him so he reeked of alcohol, then called the police to report a break-in?
Brian, sorry if I’m misrepresenting your open and friendly relationship with your daughter, but I would have been WAY squicked out if my DAD had given me a vibrator for Christmas! Instead, mine gave me jumper cables for my old first car when I was 17.
I have to say, I think I want that bustier/corset. Though The Mate has a rampant hatred of HK, he digs Badtz-Maru.
I have a Chococat dop kit that I stole from my wife.
holly. go to j-list.com for hello kitty vibes (they’ve had them there for years) and all your japanese goodies.
damn i want the corset. i AM a hello kitty addict. and um i think that guy may be more obsessed with HK than his wife is…
Thanks, chibi! Yeah, I think the husband is the one with the problem.
Incertus B– I don’t think it has to necessarily be creepy that you’d give her Hello Kitty vibrator if it’s clearly a joke–though it depends on her sense of humor and if you habitually share an off-the-wall sense of humor with her–but I don’t think you should do it because she’d figure out you heard she got a vibe from mom, and THAT would really upset her since you’re not supposed to know! Sure, if accused, you could deny it, but she’d know….
I think I’d compromise: give her the jumper cables (or better yet, that nifty battery-powered jumper thingy) along with a note saying that you had been going to give her the vibrator….
I dunno, just something about the juxtaposition of a vibrator with jumper cables struck me as funny.
Mister Nice Guy, glad you “got” the silliness of Dad’s gift, especially as pertains to this post- he also gave me a heavy duty outdoor extension cord at the same time as the jumper cables! WTF??? I was so confused…
A friend gave me one as a wedding gift. It’s really cute, and it, uh, works great.
Um, duh huh? Hello Kitty vibrators? Hello Kitty bustiers? Where the hell have I been the past few years? What has happened to my America?
If I see a Hello Kitty cock ring, I’m so outta here.
“Um, duh huh? Hello Kitty vibrators? Hello Kitty bustiers? Where the hell have I been the past few years? What has happened to my America?”
Well, the pods drifted here from some other planet. At first nobody realized anything was different. Then GWB was “elected” twice, and things really went to hell in a handbasket.
The Hello Kitty vibrator is just a symptom of a larger and much more devastating disease…
At one point I found an article on Hello Kittie and whether or not her lack of mouth was some sort of comment on women’s rights to have a voice. There’s no way I’d be able to find the article again (this was several years ago), but it had a quote from someone at Sanrio saying that Hello Kittie does have a mouth, you just can’t see it ‘cause it’s covered by her fur.
hello kitty threads should not be allowed to go on very long before somebody mentions kalashnikitty. i’d bring it up on the hello kitty hell blog if i wasn’t certain it’s already old hat for those poor b*ggers.
I thought it was jut Rampant Rabbits that had addicts like that. Kids, getting older every generation.