My Fellow Americans:
It has been brought to my attention that Mitt Romney, speaking on behalf of all people of faith unfortunate enough to believe in made-up bullshit that has been made up in semi-recent history, defended himself by calling upon all religious people to put down their swords against each other and do battle with the real enemies, which would be people who refrain from making up any bullshit to believe in at all. As a self-described atheist, I had to admit that being denounced by a major presidential candidate as something close to an enemy of freedom made me sweat a little, and then I realized, I have nothing to fear. I too have made up a bunch of bullshit, tagged it with the honor of calling it a religion, namely the Church of the Mouse and Disco Ball.
It’s true that my religion might be a little iffy to give me a pass to True American status. Like a lot of people of faith, I don’t believe my own bullshit, but unlike a lot of people of faith, my fellow Discoballmouseatarians and I don’t even pretend to believe our own bullshit. However, we resemble other religions in most other ways, so I hope my fellow True Americans can overlook this little eccentric honesty of ours.
But let’s focus on what we have in common: rituals, iconography, dogma, a fierce love of donations. Our main symbol, the disco ball, may not be as prevalent as the Christian cross, but it’s still pretty damn common. And we don’t even compete for space with the cross very much; the disco ball prevails in bars, concerts, roller rinks, and of course, discos, mainly places where the Christian cross doesn’t hold court. We have hymns and mythologies, and with the growing popularity of sleazy dance music, even in formerly non-boogie realms like the indie rock scene, ours is a growing and powerful presence.
Some say that the church is still at the “crazy cult” age, and not yet aged enough to graduate to the “respectable religion” phase. To them, I point out that the use of disco balls dates all the way back to the 1920s, showing up in films as early as 1927. But our jokester god, the Great Cat is clearly the patron god of house cats, an animal that has been around longer than Johnny-come-lately religions like Christianity. Our made-up bullshit has ties then to very ancient and venerable made-up bullshit, such as the polytheistic Egyptian traditions that also saw the deistic potential in Felis silvestris catus.
I could continue, detailing out the finer points of our faith and our dogma, but you get the idea. Like Mitt Romney, I believe that it’s not the content of your made-up bullshit that matters,* but that you make some bullshit up to begin with. And we should set aside squabbling over who believes what bullshit and face down our true enemies, the atheists who make us feel kind of stupid by opting out of the bullshit production machine called “religion” altogether.
*Exception: Islam.
70 Responses to “Under the big tent, a thousand mirrors reflect their light”
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Like this?
Any believing Jew, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, whatever–they have no right to complain about how “weird” Mormonism is.
I mean, folks rising from the dead, Moses parting the Red Sea, the Angel of God speaking to an illiterate Arab businessman in a cave to give him the final revelation–those are all legitimate, ration beliefs. Unlike the beliefs those crazy Mormons hold!
NPR did a story on this, and played some clips of JFK explaining how being a Catholic wouldn’t impact his leadership. He spoke of believing in an ironclad split between church and state, how religious beliefs were personal and had no business in the public sphere, how parochial schools should not get government funding, how no religion had any right to be in politics. I almost cried for what we’ve come to.
As I listened to Willard’s speech this morning on the radio, what kept coming to mind, despite the oh-so-smooth voice, was GWB’s prototypical furrowed brow and naked condescension as he would lecture and (figuratively) wag his finger at all us dumb Americans who just don’t get it.
Well categorize me among the stupid unwashed masses then.
we should set aside squabbling over who believes what bullshit and face down our true enemies, the atheists who make us feel kind of stupid by opting out of the bullshit production machine called “religion” altogether.
So say we all.
The anti-atheist bigotry in Romney’s speech was really sickening.
Your illustration implies that converts to Discoballmouseatarianism get free cupcakes. Is this true, or is it just typical churchy bait-and-switch?
OMG, want cupcakes!
Hmmm Amanda… you make conversion to Discoballmousetarianism sound very appealing indeed. But, alas, I fear the terrible marinara style retribution of the our lord The Flying Spaghetti Monster if I do decide to join you.
I can sop up any silly ol’ marinara.
I am a recent convert to Pastafarianism so I don’t think the FSM would appreciate me defecting so easily for cupcakes.
it’s all starch, dude.
I was wondering if he’d cover the ’secret underwear’ that mormon’s wear. Well, and the fact that the founder of his ‘religion’ was beaten to death by people in the town where he lived for, oddly enough, being crazy and thinking that he was a ‘prophet’.
And scientology was founded by a sci-fi author that bragged at a convention that he could create a religion based on outlandish and totally unbelievable crap and people would buy into it, hook line and sinker. And he did and they did, believing that aliens walk among us and all that other shit…
Religion is a sign of madness… Truly…
Judging from what I’ve read of his speech, most thinking people should be very frightened of him as president, if they already weren’t.
Judging from what I’ve read of his speech, most thinking people should be very frightened of him as president, if they already weren’t.
Well, if we could keep him out of the country like he tried to spend all of his time out of state, we might be able to minimize some of the damage….
SO SAY WE ALL!
you make conversion to Discoballmousetarianism sound very appealing indeed. But, alas, I fear the terrible marinara style retribution of the our lord The Flying Spaghetti Monster if I do decide to join you.
See, those of us who have been initiated in the highest levels of the cult know that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the food vomited up by the Great Cat as he hawked up the hairball that became the universe.
Thus, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is part of the primal force that created force the universe, a mix of chaos and order and matter and spirit.
And marinara, of course.
I’ve never been sold on the Great Cat. I guess I’m more of a dog person. I like a god that can fetch my slippers.
Hey Ultra Magnus!
PASTAFARIANS IN DA HOUSE!!
To the God of Biscuits: You may be able to sop up the divine fluids of my heavenly creator but there is still the dangerous wrath of his many noodeley appendages.
To dorvl: You have made Discoballmousetarianism yet even more appealing to me. Or maybe its the cupcakes.
To the God of Biscuits: You may be able to sop up the divine fluids of my heavenly creator but there is still the dangerous wrath of his many noodeley appendages.
We are the same divine substance. It’s all starch, dude. That’s the secret to life. That’s the truth behind religion: It’s all starch, dude.
We are the same divine substance. It’s all starch, dude. That’s the secret to life. That’s the truth behind religion: It’s all starch, dude.
Thus revealing why religion is so antagonistic to the Theory of Evolution, which preaches the heresy that it is protein (well, and nucleic acid) that is responsible for life.
What a dick! Let’s see:
Fearful anti-atheist rhetoric: check.
Bashes Europe: check.
Bleating about ‘Islamo-Fascism:’ check.
Yep, he hit the major points! Way to go, Mitt!
Thus revealing why religion is so antagonistic to the Theory of Evolution, which preaches the heresy that it is protein (well, and nucleic acid) that is responsible for life.
TheGreatCatDidIt
The FSM and Disco Ball are not in conflict. What’s great about religions you don’t believe in is that there’s no conflict. I can not believe in Jesus and Allah, all at once. I don’t believe in unicorns while not believing in fairies. It’s only when you start believing stuff that conflicts appear. But having multiple religions that are admitted bullshit is not a problem.
The FSM and Disco Ball are not in conflict
No conflict whatsoever
“Any believing Jew, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, whatever–they have no right to complain about how “weird” Mormonism is.”
Very true. However, there seems to be some rule in religious belief that if you have a several thousand-year head start, you get to piss on any younger religion.
The really sad thought is if humans manage to continue for a few thousand more years, a religion like scientology might eventually be able to look down its nose at some other, newer, religions.
I say head ‘em off at the pass. Be an atheist and look down on all of them…
Kult? DO NOT WANT!
I can haz sekularisms?
Freedom requires disco balls, just as disco balls require freedom. Freedom opens the windows of the soul so that man can discover his most profound beliefs and commune with the Trammps in a disco inferno. Freedom and disco balls endure together, or perish alone. I will take care to separate the affairs of government from any specific disco artist, but I will not separate us from the Gloria Gaynor who gave us “Never Can Say Goodbye” and “I Will Survive.”
Very true. However, there seems to be some rule in religious belief that if you have a several thousand-year head start, you get to piss on any younger religion.
The thing is, I don’t get this fetishism of the ancient. We were pretty fucking ignorant a thousand years ago. We really didn’t know shit back then.
The FSM and Disco Ball are not in conflict. What’s great about religions you don’t believe in is that there’s no conflict.
But… but, Amanda… *sniffles* how will we play the My God Is Better Than Your God And Thus I’m Better Than You game? If they’re not in conflict how can either side raid the other side’s land and force conversions and take valuable resources in the name of their diety? How can either side feel morally superior to the other? You’re taking all the fun away… I was so looking forward to enslaving some people in the name of the Noodle. *sniffles* Party pooper.
[and just so we’re clear, I’m joking;]
“We really didn’t know shit back then.”
I did…
Dr. Bérubé,
While Ms. Gaynor may be a Prophetess, is is the gospel of Thelma Houston, “Don’t Leave Me This Way” that reigns on the floor.
MAJeff is a splitter.
‘…but I will not separate us from the Gloria Gaynor who gave us “Never Can Say Goodbye” and “I Will Survive.” ‘
Any attempt to do so would be an abomination and an affront to all people of quasi faith.
I found this wording very telling:
“As governor, I tried to do the right as best I knew it,”
“…serving the law and answering to the Constitution. I did not confuse the particular teachings of my church with the obligations of the office and of the Constitution”
Here I read “the peculiar teachings of my church.”
And I love how “Radical violent Islam seeks to destroy us…” works with “Religious tolerance would be a shallow principle indeed if it were reserved only for faiths with which we agree.”
But most importantly: “Perhaps the most important question to ask a person of faith who seeks a political office, is this: Does he share these American values - the equality of human kind, the obligation to serve one another and a steadfast commitment to liberty?”
You’re right, Mitt. You’re not fit to hold office.
The thing is, I don’t get this fetishism of the ancient.
Stupid people make better heroes. People with ideas in their heads can’t be trusted, because they’re less likely to buy bullshit wholesale without asking for a receipt. Most of us like to be led and inspired by people we can identify with, and the credulous are no exception.
Religion is freedom, security is feedom, blah blah blah, everything is freedom except actual freedom. That’s just an annoyance.
I believe in the Ceiling Cat, who maded teh skiez and teh Urfz and did not eated dem. http://lolcatbible.com
But hey, if you disco guys have cupcakes…
I am willing to become a non-believing convert in Discoballmousetarianism if and only if we get to wear weird underwear.
Preferably something that keeps my discoballs comfortable.
We were pretty fucking ignorant a thousand years ago.
Who’s “we”?
If you think being an atheist and listening to this shit is annoying, try being religious. It’s like that creepy drunk guy who thinks just because you’re white it’s OK for him to slobber all over you and crack racist jokes, cuz, like, you must be on the same side.
Pinky, so long as we’re putting in a shoutout to the sheer lunacy that is Scientology, might I recommend The Admissions of L Ron Hubbard? (PDF link, some passages downpage NSFW.) They’re the original self-affirmation exercises Hubbard wrote for himself, which he later adapted into Dianetics/Scientology.
This text sparked a sort of awakening in me as I realized that Scientology, of all things, has anxious masculinity plastered all over its origins. The man actually went so far as to imagine up an all-powerful, super-submissive girlfriend for himself. Creep city.
If you think being an atheist and listening to this shit is annoying, try being religious
been there, got over it.
I know some of you might not like Christopher hitches for his pro-war stance but on the question of religion he has really really been ripping Mitt a new one.
Check it:
Holy Nonsense: Mitt Romney’s windy, worthless speech
http://www.slate.com/id/2179404/
Mitt the Mormon:Why Romney needs to talk about his faith
http://www.slatetv.com/id/2178568/
Todd Gitlin also made a cogent point in stating it’s about time somebody in the mainstream media asks Romney and Huckabee their positions on contraception
Way to miss the point, MAJeff. But here’s a cookie.
Well, if you’re going to claim that humanity wasn’t ignorant 1000 years ago in comparison to today, well I probably shouldn’t trust your baking skills. As a species we have far more knowledge than we did 1000 years ago, and no fetishization of the silly notion of the “wisdom of the ancients” will change that.
As a species we have far more knowledge than we did 1000 years ago
Well sure. We haven’t been sitting on our asses doing nothing for 1000 years. But “have far more knowledge” is a lot different than “fucking ignorant”, and “fucking ignorant” smells awfully hard of that Myth of Man’s Progress, where history is a linear progression of everything getting better in every way (and forget those freaky non-western cultures than invented paper and algebra and complex political and social structures and shit like that).
The irony is particularly funny when you’re looking at religion as being the same thing as ancient wisdom, because, like, nobody ever comes up with goofy woo-woo stuff nowadays, and every single religion older than Wicca was all about mindless supercessionism.
Because when you buy into THAT, you’re saying exactly what Romney said. Maybe you should share your cookie with him.
I’m Wiccan, but the “holiday” tree I’ve decorated in my space at work is purple tinsel with tiny disco ball ornaments in Pandagon and Amanda’s honor. Strangely enough my imaginary gods seem to be delighted also.
I should send you a picture.
mythago: Bwah! Cross-posting is fun. Even if my comment had absolutely nothing to do with yours…
“smells awfully hard of that Myth of Man’s Progress, where history is a linear progression of everything getting better in every way”
Everybody knows progress is an upward spiral.
well, yes, believers in Xenu, Rael, and crystals are equally as batshit. Happy? Crazy knows no time limit.
Saying that a perfect circle has a circumference 3 times its diameter IS about the ignorance rather than about the crazy, probably. I mean, if the Bible was written from scratch today, would Pi really be ignored? Serious theology has treated the Bible as largely metaphorical for centuries, because smart people of faith could see there was stuff that couldn’t be literal.
However, the anti-atheist prejudice is a product of serious, willful ignorance, and I don’t put up with it. I had an argument with a very silly friend who could tolerate anything but atheism. I really don’t quite know if they don’t really understand what atheism means (she seemed to), so in her case it more was a form of insanity– how can a philosophy which is rational and almost always combined with benevolent humanism, be a BAD thing? She kind of panicked and refused to discuss it further as I pressed her for an explanation, so I suppose its a sort of church-created phobia some people have.
Mythago, I totally hear you on that. I happen to be Christian (before anyone reaches for rotten tomatoes to throw), but I’m also a feminist, environmentalist, socialist-inclined liberal person, and Romney (along will all the other fundie wackos) make me feel like I should be ashamed and apologizing all the time in the company of other liberal people. I swear not all Christians are terrible people…it’s just hard to tell b/c those of us that are actually good keep it quiet. We tend not to jam our beliefs down others’ throats, and we don’t feel threatened by other people’s beliefs either. And if I could make the crazies be quiet and leave everyone alone, I would. But, I can’t. So, I’ll just apologize (again) that people turn my belief system into a way to oppress others. That was not what Jesus (or Jebus, as some of you know him) was about.
In the case of Romney probably less ignorance and more pandering. Romney really is the totally cliche guy who will say anything to get elected.
Bashing atheism plays well with the voters he needs. Nothing units like a common enemy. Note that he didn’t really touch mormonism at all.
If you think being an atheist and listening to this shit is annoying, try being religious.
And try being a European and religious - coming from a country where religions largely knows its place, I cringe every time someone thinks that all religious people are like the Christian right. I need a T-shirt along the lines of ‘Christian, not Bushite.’
Samantha, I know people like that too! They seem fine with other religions, but mention atheists and its either “attack the non-believers” or whining about how “intolerant” and “mean” atheists are.
And god forbid you be an agnostic. Then its the lecture about not having enough “spiritual courage” to pick a religion, and how its taking “the easy way out”.
Because obviously going along with an established religion is MUCH harder.
Amanda:
Now, now. I know a lot of you kids think it’s cool to pretend you don’t REALLY believe, but doubt is a part of faith for your Discoballmouseatarianists.
I was extremely uncomfortable by that speech. Romney was definitely positioning himself to take the fundamentalist vote by playing a game of “Don’t look at me and my Mormonism, look at those horrible secularists! They’re the real threat!”
As a Christian married to an Atheist, I wish the Repgs would just stfu so I wouldn’t have to keep apologizing to my husband every night.
By his speech yesterday, Romney proves that he is unfit for the office of President. He can’t even take the oath in good conscience because he seems to believe in a religious test for candidates. His speech is in direct contradiction to Article Six:
Of course, by this standard NONE of the republicans are fit for office. Oh, wait. We knew that already.
Please do, tricia. I don’t do the tree, from laziness (and the atheism is just an after the fact justification), but like really crazy looking ones.
I believe the time has come for the Church of the Mouse and Disco Ball to issue an edict on cupcakes. Some say they are just sugery spun treats, others one of the horsemen of the obesity apocalypse. What say you fearless leader Amanda? Without you to tell us how to approach these sweet fiends, how will we ever find out way?
Love the Disco Ball topped cupcake tower. Totally cool, even if I am not a Discoballmousecatarian, or you know, whatever.
Way up here in the frozen tundra, flying spaghetti freezes, yet lights continue to shine brightly. Weather made my choice as to which path to follow!
With that in mind, I string as many lights outside on the house, both barns, every tree, bush and fence in great reverence to the Church of the Mouse and Disco Ball. This year, I took a roll of duct tape, a dozen strands of green lights, and outlined my big old F-150 king-cab, complete with cap. I then fashioned a blinking multi-colored wreath for the front- the effect is AMAZING.
I was first introduced to Exterior Lighting Discoballmousism (ELD) by a neighbor years ago- we moved here in December and his 2 acre display shown brightly every night. In awe, I studied and eventually decided to join him in his yearly celebrations.
Inevitably, this became a competition between us. I watched as my neighbor would go out at 11 pm to string more lights along his fence facing us and from behind my curtains, curse him. Charlie said he didn’t know which one was more psychotic: our neighbor for putting up more lights, or me for watching!
(Forgive those who do not understand, Oh Great Disco Ball…)
Exterior Lighting Discoballmousism (ELD)- or should this be “Lighting the Exterior Discoballmousism”- LED??? (ducks)
“Americans tire of those who would jettison their beliefs, even to gain the world.”
Coming from most politicians, that’s pretty rich. Coming from Mitt Romney it’s chocolate peanut butter-covered fudge bars with twinkie cream icing.
Well sure. We haven’t been sitting on our asses doing nothing for 1000 years. But “have far more knowledge” is a lot different than “fucking ignorant”, and “fucking ignorant” smells awfully hard of that Myth of Man’s Progress, where history is a linear progression of everything getting better in every way (and forget those freaky non-western cultures than invented paper and algebra and complex political and social structures and shit like that).
If I had been born a hundred years ago, I would have been dead before reaching age 1.
I’m happy to state that, in general, we’re progressing. If you want more proof, consider that the shit that has rained down over the Iraq war would have been unthinkable during the Victorian era, when slaughtering wogs was the sport of White Men everywhere.
Phoenician, I’m assuming you’re from Australia? And that “wog” was not being used perjoratively? I hope?
New Zealand. And the term “wog” was being used in a heavily satirical fashion as in equating slaughtering non-white people with a “sport”.
If you ever read James Belich’s _Making Peoples_, you’ll note that a lot of NZ history was shaped by the fact that the local wogs were more than happy to reciprocate. Enthusiastically, and competantly. It came as a bit of a shock to the British colonialists.
I picked up on the satire for “sport,” but for some reason missed it on “wog.” Apologies.
) I’ve been hyper-sensitive ever since I heard my grandmother refer to me as her “little dago grandbaby.” I will be checking out Making Peoples though. Thanky.
So you take the progressively teleological view that humanity is always making progress throughout history? I’m sorry, but evidence from past history does not always accord with this view of humanity’s history.
Many historians would argue that the medieval period was a case in which much knowledge from the Ancient/Classical periods were lost/suppressed because of political fragmentation and the increasingly tight control exerted by the Catholic Church.
Similar phenomena existed in many other societies such as the unification of all the Chinese warring states by Qin Shi Huang in 221 B.C. when this tyrant decided to bury alive all dissenters and burn all books not approved by his sanctioned orthodoxy. Much knowledge from the past ended up being destroyed in the process.
This was arguably matched by Mao Zedong’s Red Guards’ “struggling” perceived dissenting intellectuals along with destroying numerous ancient/modern books, ancient Chinese cultural artifacts, monuments, and objects to cleanse China of anything “counter-revolutionary”. This included any scientific and practical knowledge books deemed counterrevolutionary by Mao and his goons. At one point, Mao and the Red Guards’ favorite accusation du jour was to accuse those he deemed “counterrevolutionary” of being advocates of Malthusian theory. Quite ironic as most of the Red Guards and some of those accused had not even heard of Thomas Malthus, much less studied his ideas.
Thus, it is just as possible for humanity to regress as it is to progress as the two World Wars, rise of genocidal fascist and communist dictatorships, and push/pull of progressive initiatives and conservative backlashes in the US and other societies would show. Progression in history is not inevitable….it entails long hard struggles against forces and groups who want to force a regression back to the “good old days”.
I follow the path of Doctor Who.
He’s my Time Lord and Savior!