October 11 is National Coming Out Day.
Despite all that good news, not everyone has the option of coming out –
* Without ENDA, LGBT citizens can be fired from a job where there are no local anti-discrimination protections.
* We most certainly see members of the community get the crap beaten out of them or worse in many parts of the country
* and it goes without saying if you have anti-gay parents and you're not yet 18 (or are dependent on them for support), coming out is probably a really bad idea unless you are prepared for the consequences of them taking the news badly.
That said, coming out is the most powerful thing one can do, but it cannot be done in isolation; straight allies have to be willing to publicly defend their gay friends and acquaintances.
* Support Equality organizations in your state, if it is at risk for an amendment challenge. Give your time and money, if you can spare. In North Carolina, the organization at the grassroots level is Equality NC.
* Get involved. It's easy to write a check or complain from the sidelines and the comfort of our keyboards about the effectiveness of those working locally and nationally on our behalf; it's another to come out, live out and work to make a difference — whether it's writing your representatives, grassroots activism, or making an effort to engage with your friends, neighbors and colleagues about equality issues.
* If you are straight and an ally, COME OUT. Support your gay friends and loved ones when you hear intolerant conversation, politely engage ignorance with information.
Here's a short video I made for the occasion this year.
Each Coming Out Day I ask this Q of the Day:
I came out in my late 20s. When I came out to my mother, it was fairly anticlimactic. She wasn't particularly angry but, of course, sad because of all of visions of what a daughter should be were sort of shattered. But I don't think she was entirely surprised, nor was my brother when I came out to him. He has always been supportive.One thing I do regret is that my mom passed away before she could see me marry my wife, Kate, when we married in Vancouver. But all of my family has been extremely supportive. In fact, they probably knew, but it never was made explicit until I sent my announcement that we married to everyone via e-mail and in a card in the mail. So if people didn't know, that was one way to come out all at once.
The one thing everyone can do is come out if it is at all possible, if it is safe for you to do so. And that's a big caveat, but I think that for many people coming out is more of an internal process than it is the external process. Many people, once they do come out, find that most people either knew or thought that they were [gay] and had made peace with that. So I hope you take this time to think about whether it's time to kick open that closet door.
Are you out to…
– your friends?
– your immediate family?
– your extended family?
– any/some/most of your colleagues at work?
– your boss?
– your doctors?
– your neighbors?
I'm happy to say that I can check off all of those today, but it took years of constantly coming out, choosing when “the right time” would be to come out to any of the above groups. It's a seemingly endless process, never easy, almost always awkward (since I'm an introvert to begin with). It's not like something that comes up in casual conversation, nor do you really want it to. But eventually kicking the door open beats life in the closet.
For my straight readers:
– are you “out” as an ally?
– are you able to talk about gay friends or relatives with others?
– are you comfortable shooting down homophobes when they spout off during a conversation?
*** More videos about the importance of coming out — and supporting those who are coming out, are after the jump.
Human Rights Campaign's video:
HRC: How to Create Your National Coming Out Day Video
Here's T.R. Knight for GLAAD on National Coming Out Day:
And for allies, GLAAD has a message from the stars of Grey’s Anatomy, Ugly Betty, and Brothers & Sisters:
And how about the “coming out” stories of four women survivors of marriages to closeted “ex-gay” men. Truth Wins Out’s video shows the devastation caused by “ex-gays” who marry and have children in order to prove to themselves that they are straight, only to fall “off the wagon.” The women discuss the hard done by the ex-gay movement that hurt the innocent families that are “collateral damage.”
Read other coming out stories (and share your own) at the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center web site.
ALSO: Bloggernista is running a Coming Out in Color series of posts today.
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I’m out as (god, I hate this term, as it has been sooo misappropriated by “bi-curious” teens, twenty-somethings, and older) bisexual (again, how do I hate the word? too many ways) to all of the above, except any members of my family. It’s just not safe. I mean, I guess I care a little if my mother, elderly aunt (like a grandmother to me), and all the other relatives shun me for who I am. Only child, dead father, et cetera, you see. I don’t have much family to lose, but it’s a lot to me.
The important thing is: the family I choose, know. Like, my boyfriend, sewing circle friends, rock show friends… and that is what really matters to me. That I can be honest with them. And coworkers? Who cares. At my “paying” job, straight is the minority- so, I’m fine there, as long as it never gets back to my mother, a retired teacher in the psychiatric facility. That’s my only fear. Because, she definitely shares her opinions on how she likes certain coworkers, but feels like an outsider, as a straight person. She also recently flipped out on me on the phone, when I tried to tell her why none of that mattered to me, considering my own self-awareness developed at 15 (thirty -almost thirty-one, now). I ended up changing the subject, as it was not going to do any good, as far as I could tell.
I just get tired of feeling like I am lying by omission, all of the time.
don’t know- maybe I should have upped my conversation just now, with: hey, mom- guess what? not only do I not want to do anything with my MSW; I want to open a record store, I am going to Edinburgh and Manchester over school break, oh, and I am attracted to both sexes. All kinds. Except male American football players. Those are GROSS.
I mean, this subject came up when I was about sixteen, then at about 22, and both times she was freaking out.
I guess she can’t handle the truth?
OUT SINCE 1981!! (age 19)
Not sure yet if I’m actually bi or just bi-curious, which means I’m never quite sure what to say to people. I’m out as probably-not-straight to most of my friends, almost all of my online friends, and my siblings–but not to my parents, who are still reeling from having a gay son and a lesbian daughter, both of whose orientations they are becoming resigned to but still aren’t exactly happy about. I am, slowly, getting the courage to speak up around my parents when they make comments, especially around my youngest siblings, who are still impressionable. (That my youngest sister burst into tears and said, “I thought you were better than that” when my other sister came out to her means there is definitely more work to be done.)
I am lucky that I can be out as pro-gay to my priest, who is supportive, although I’m not entirely sure which other members of the church are safe to be out to. Extended family I hardly speak to, and they probably don’t know. Both my ex-boyfriends do, and as one of them is bi himself, that makes for some fascinating conversations.
Anyway–glad you posted this, Pam, because I knew Nat’l Coming Out Day was this month, but had forgotten what day. Go, beautiful honest people, go go!
For my straight readers:
– are you “out” as an ally?
– are you able to talk about gay friends or relatives with others?
– are you comfortable shooting down homophobes when they spout off during a conversation?
Yes on all counts!
I just love it when I’m talking to our kids, trying to get names and relationships straight (as it were), and somebody gets their priggish head totally rearranged in the bargain.
We were snacking in Target one day when I was describing something a relation of a friend of my son was doing.
My son says “Do you mean S’s dad J..? Or S’s “uncle” J?”
I replied “Well, M.. is S’s dad’s cousin, but he was raised in the same house so they call him Uncle M…”
“Oh” son replies “so you mean J.., M..’s HUSBAND, not J… S’s Dad
“Yes … that J..” I reply, fully aware that a couple of older people are now VERY RUDELY staring in our direction.
Younger son has picked up the staring vibes now, and he’s going to have some fun with the full nosy nose rub “Yes, that’s right, I remember Simon telling me about their wedding”. With a puckish gleam in his eye, he continues “Poor S.., It must be really confusing to have a dad and an uncle with the same name!”
My gay friends are almost all married. I’m going to use terms like “his husband” and “her wife” and so are my boys. Hello! It’s legal here!
They are truly grossed out by heterosexual activity at this age, so it isn’t about sex. Using proper relation titles is about respect.
I’m with you, Ms Kate. I alternate between referring to “his husband/her wife” and referring to all relationships, same- and different-sex, as “her partner/his partner.”
I’m in the Bay Area, Oakland to be precise, and while I try not to contribute to stereotypes about some regions/states/cities being backwards while others are progressive, I think living here puts me in a political bubble. About half my coworkers are lesbians, and all my straight coworkers and friends are extremely gay-friendly. I don’t have to step in an politely redirect anti-gay conversations, or deal with jokes about how great Teh Gays are at interior decorating. I also chose my friends carefully, so I’m missing out on all the anti-LGTQ sentiment that I know persists even in the Bay Area.
Some folks in my family (from the LA area) and my partner’s family (from rural Midwest) have been prone to make essentialist statements. Once I make my feelings and associations known (”My coworker and her wife just had a baby, and he couldn’t be cuter!”), people tend to keep those statements to themselves when I’m around.
I really, really, really, want a “straight for equality” bumper sticker, but PFLAG hasn’t got one on Cafe Press. I’ve ordered pins and a tote bag.
I am out as bisexual (I’m more attracted to women, but there are still men who interest me in that way, so I don’t feel right calling myself a lesbian even though my default attraction is to women) to my friends and co-workers, but none of my family. I know I could safely come out to my youngest brother, and maybe my sister, but no one else in my immediate family. I was raised in a conservative, fundamentalist, evangelical church (Assemblies of God) and my mother is still very involved in it. She knows I am pro-gay, and so we don’t discuss issues relating to that, but I think it would be something else entirely if I were to come out.
I realized (or perhaps understood or acknowledged) that I was bisexual either a day or a week after Coming Out Day last year. This year I’m not sure what I’m going to do.
I’m out to my two best real-life friends and everybody online; I am fairly sure my mother suspects it after a rather not-so-great conversation last winter (she told me not to wear a single earring (I was transporting it to campus where the other one was, and it was fragile so I didn’t want it in a pocket or anything) because people would think I was gay, and I said I didn’t mind and didn’t think there was anything wrong with being gay or being thought gay, and she said, “you’re not, are you?” in a horrified voice, and I believe I said something along the lines of “Don’t worry; if I am you won’t find out from me,” and continued putting on the earring), although she remarked a couple weeks later in a completely unrelated conversation that she had always considered herself a tolerant person and had sort of “caught herself” not living up to that. I have no idea whether that was a deliberate attempt to communicate with me about it or not; certainly we’ve never discussed it since.
I have no idea how my dad would react; he’s the one who knows I’m Pagan when my mom would be seriously distressed by that knowledge. Students . . . I don’t know that many people; I haven’t been to the doctor since knowing, and at the moment I’m unemployed.
I tend to feel uncomfortable with the “I’m gay” type of coming out; I suppose my way is to simply be myself, as if I lived in a community where there was nothing odd about it, nothing to merit the announcement. I just exist, fancying women a bit more often than men, and I react to various homophobic people with a sort of disappointment, communicating that I expected better from them, and that bigotry is a far worse and more immoral thing than homosexuality ever could be.
There’s a coming out party tonight at my school. Maybe I’m going. I’m not quite sure yet.
I am gay.
Not that this is a surprise to many of you reading this here, mind you
I have been out as queer in varying degrees since I first told my mother, curled up in a ball on the corner of my bed, at age 15, and knew what it was like to not trust your parent anymore.
But I would not trade being lesbian for anything on this green earth should even the myth/lie/fantasy of change exist (blue pill, red pill?). I love being lesbian. I love women, in all their diversity of forms of beauty and strength.
I love my gay brothers, even when they piss me the hell off. I love my trans friends, and marvel at their power and strength beyond anything I could possibly ever have. I try to be there for my bi allies, trying to work on my own biphobia as I work to ensure they are included in our community as much as possible.
Yesterday, in honour of NCOD today, I came out to my students in lecture, talking about being lesbian in the context of the framing of the personal being political (Goffman rules baby!!). The interesting thing is I think the majority of them knew … because coming out isn’t something you just do as a youth, or just on days like this, but rather it is something you do everyday, in every way, as simply existing as someone queer in our society.
From little things like using a the right pronoun when ordering flowers, to mentioning your partner in discussions of relationships with colleagues, to not allowing anti-gay talk to go by unchallenged. We come out everyday.
I am lesbian, and I am so proud to be such.
Yes to all three, although the third one is somewhat moot: no one in my milieu is a homophobe and I don’t recommend that anyone preach to overheard strangers. Bad idear.
Pam, you’ve got a great voice and you should go into broadcasting. You and Amanda both. Seriously, pitch “The Pandagon Hour” to NPR. Interviews, debates, feature segments, a call-in period … it’d be the cat’s pajamas if not the full-on bee’s knees!
I’m totally out as an ally. I’m involved in an equal-rights group in my own country, but we still have some progress to make in our own non-discrimination act. Even though it seems like the majority of people are for the change in the law, some churches are still agitating for bigotry.
I do have problems confronting homophobia sometimes - mainly of the offhand remark/slur kind. It usually just catches me by surprise and I don’t know what to say (sometimes I think of something a few days later). Does anyone have witty comebacks for this kind of situation?
Pam, Thank you. You make me think every day. I hadn’t thought about NCOD since I came out on it almost 10 years ago. The funny thing, is I forgot, and mainly though the biphobia I have experienced I haven’t come out to everyone. The answers to your questions:
– your friends? yes
– your immediate family? yes
– your extended family? most
– any/some/most of your colleagues at work? no, but I started a new job recently
– your boss? no
– your doctors? yes
– your neighbors? no
The hardest part is even though I am bi, and am in a very committed relationship with a man, and have gotten tired of the but your not really bi then conversations. I have just gotten lazy about it really.
I so needed to read this post, thanks.
Pam, you’ve got a great voice and you should go into broadcasting.
Thx. Definitely not TV material, though. That clip took 5 takes with the dogs always deciding to bark halfway through.
I do have problems confronting homophobia sometimes - mainly of the offhand remark/slur kind. It usually just catches me by surprise and I don’t know what to say (sometimes I think of something a few days later). Does anyone have witty comebacks for this kind of situation?
micheyd, I’m a big fan of the staring, open-mouthed, “I’m so shocked that you said that” silence. It totally conveys that THE SPEAKER, not you, has violated a norm, and behaved rudely, and it usually makes htem uncomfortable enough that it doesn’t happen again. At least, that’s my (limited) experience. Unless it’s a close family member who’s inured to your libbrul ways, in which case I have no wisdom.
Also, a resounding yes to all 3. Ever since junior high in TX, for some reason. Homophobia always seemed like the stupidest thing i’d ever seen, and I was vocally disdainful of the meatheads to expounded it. Living in urban MA, now, I don’t have as many opportunities to express my support in everyday life, since no one I know would ever dream of expressing such homophobia. Except for my dad. With whom I fight, and will continue to fight, probably for as long as we are both on this earth.
I’m definitely out as an ally in meatspace. In cyberspace though… sometimes it’s difficult. I play World of Warcraft, and, surprise surprise, it is choked with young white males whose preferred method of insulting each other is to call each other “bitch” and “fag”. Or lately, they use ethnic slurs, as well. In real life, I would make great use of the “what on earth did you just say??” face, but they can’t exactly see that over text. And it is such a pervasive attitude that I would be spending more than half my time online getting into fights about whether it’s “funny” or “just a joke” to insult someone by calling them a cock-sucker.
I’m not comfortable with that talk, yet most of the time I cannot summon the mental fortitude to confront it. I do sometimes, but I don’t think it does much good. It also doesn’t help that nobody ever seems to want to back me up when I do speak up. Not even my gay brother or lesbian best friend, who also play WoW with me.
Something I think can’t be overstated…
FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T COME OUT IF IT WILL JEOPARDIZE YOUR SAFETY!
Many of us live in places significantly less tolerant than Pandagonia (I grew up Mormon in Mesa, AZ) and have much more to fear than social rejection. Having said that, I came out to the fam a few years ago (came out to friends in college) and all is well. Sort of. Actually, it’s too complicated to discuss here, but…
Happy coming out day!
A great book about strategies for confronting homophobia in everyday interactions is “Setting Them Straight” by Betty Berzon:
http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Them-Straight-Something-Homophobia/dp/0452274214/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-4939748-9631108?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1192124602&sr=8-1
And I’m happy to be able to say yes! yes! yes! to all the questions — I am out to everybody and it feels great!
I’ve never really thought of myself as “out” as an ally, though I am, and I think it’s pretty obvious. Not to say I always was–I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness, and they’re fairly homophobic as a crowd, though not into the open hatred like other fundie groups. But I ditched the homophobia not long after ditching the church in my mid-20s, and never looked back. So yeah–I’m an ally, I’m out about it, and I’m doing my best to spread tolerance from my position in the classroom.
– are you “out” as an ally?
Yes, pretty much whenever possible.
– are you able to talk about gay friends or relatives with others?
In most situations. I’d never bring up a friend or relative’s sexuality in a situation where it might impact them negatively, though. It’s up to an individual to decide just how out they are.
– are you comfortable shooting down homophobes when they spout off during a conversation?
Comfortable, no. But I try to do it as much as I can. I think talking to bigots about why they’re bigots is never going to be a comfortable or easy experience for me, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t important.
I’m out since I was a teen in the 80s.
– your friends?
Yes, and generally I come out immediately with new people whom I like enough to think might become friends. It’s still a halfway decent Asshole Detector.
– your immediate family?
Yes, even though this cost me relationships with most of them, and I wound up homeless as a teen for a short while. (20 years ago and a terribly long, traumatic story that I’m mostly just relieved is in my past, but also which radicalized me to some degree.)
– your extended family?
Yep.
– any/some/most of your colleagues at work?
Since I was 29, I’ve been disabled with chronic illness, but past about age 20, I was always out on the job & in college prior to becoming disabled.
– your boss?
Ditto above.
– your doctors?
I have brand new doctors and I am not out to them yet because I’ve only had one visit each and am still feeling them out. My habit is to be out to all the doctors I see regularly, though.
– your neighbors?
Ditto above, I just moved a week ago and haven’t even met my new neighbors yet. I’m in a very red part of Ohio, though, so I will have to play that one carefully.
I am an ally, but most people seem to think I’m a lesbian and I generally don’t bother to correct them, because it doesn’t bother me and I don’t really feel like getting into a complicated discussion of what I do and don’t like. (”Well, I’m primarily attracted to men, but most men disgust me. I’ve been with women in the past, and sometimes I find them sexy, but I don’t really see myself having long-term relationships with them, though I won’t rule it out. Most people just piss me off. Really I’d just like a cup of tea and a good book.”) Gay men tend to claim me as one of their own. I have no idea where this puts me on the coming-out scale.
Pam - great post. HAPPY NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY!
Here’s a great contribution from two lesbian women to commemorate the National Coming Out Day:
The Ultimate Coming Out - Wow!
You can also go directly to FaithoftheAbomination.com. Their story will be told in a documentary film. I feel this will be groundbreaking for the GLBT community.
Hi, I’m bi. Roughly 3.2 on the Kinsey scale. I’m also poly - I have a live-in boyfriend and a girlfriend in New York, 3+ years with each of them.
I am out to my friends, to my immediate family, to a colleague at work, and to my therapist about both of those. I don’t talk to my extended family much at all, being out to my boss never really comes up, and I don’t talk to my neighbours much at all. (I also don’t have a regular doctor.)
I am not comfortable shooting down homophobic crap in conversation, combo of social anxiety and shock. I’ve taken to not reacting at all to what they say, in an “I don’t approve” way. I’m working my way up to “That’s not cool” or variants thereof.
Living in the land of legal gay marriage as I do, I think one of the best ways we can be allies is to simply talk of our neighbors just like we talk of our other neighbors.
In other words, don’t hide it! Gay is everyday! Gay is as normal as an engagement ring on a heterobride’s finger.
The local homobigots are terrified that marriage will “normalize” homosexuality. The less bigoted, perhaps “overpolite”, show and spread their unese and discomfort through euphamisms and other language constructions which “degay” converstations about others. This spreads the notion that it is somehow a dirty secret even though everybody generally knows what is going on. That gay=wrong. I see it as an attempt to make GAY into Go AwaY.
I’m fairly certain that I’m bisexual, but not sure enough to “come out” so to say…
I’m Zoe. I’m awesome. ‘Nuff said.
I honestly couldn’t care less about my sexuality. I have more things to be worried about than if I (Oh Noes!) like a girl or a guy (like Algebra and Chemistry and making my deadlines for newspaper). I recently dated someone for the first time (if you’ve been following, I’m a teen), but it didn’t work out. I’m still friends with her.
I’m “out” to a majority of my friends, but not to my family. If someone asks me if I’m gay or bi, I usually just respond with, “I’m Zoe. I like who I like” and leave it at that. Most of my friends are the “outcasts” anyway; it’ll all cool. I have a couple people I’m considering telling, but I don’t like not being able to go back in a situation. I know as soon as I let the cat out of the bag, it won’t go back in.
My sexuality is really a non-issue to me. If I’m gay, go me. If I’m straight go me. I don’t understand all the fuss about it, honestly.*
I haven’t told any of my family. My mom is a Baptist and while not incredibly and overwhelmingly homophobic, if she found out I was anything other than stick straight it would probably cause problems. I’m not even allowed to go to my friend’s Unitarian church because she doesn’t know what they teach. Considering they had Bibles, I’m going to go with something to do with this guy a couple thousand years ago.
I’m part of my Gay Straight Alliance at my school. I suppose I’m an ally, too. I don’t really encounter that many homophobes, despite going to a Baptist church. The subject doesn’t come up all too much.
Like I said, I’m more focused on my schoolwork and such than that kind of stuff.
I’m Zoe. I’m awesome. ‘Nuff said.
I honestly couldn’t care less about my sexuality. I have more things to be worried about than if I (Oh Noes!) like a girl or a guy (like Algebra and Chemistry and making my deadlines for newspaper). I recently dated someone for the first time (if you’ve been following, I’m a teen), but it didn’t work out. I’m still friends with her.
I’m “out” to a majority of my friends, but not to my family. If someone asks me if I’m gay or bi, I usually just respond with, “I’m Zoe. I like who I like” and leave it at that. Most of my friends are the “outcasts” anyway; it’ll all cool. I have a couple people I’m considering telling, but I don’t like not being able to go back in a situation. I know as soon as I let the cat out of the bag, it won’t go back in.
My sexuality is really a non-issue to me. If I’m gay, go me. If I’m straight go me. I don’t understand all the fuss about it, honestly.*
I haven’t told any of my family. My mom is a Baptist and while not incredibly and overwhelmingly homophobic, if she found out I was anything other than stick straight it would probably cause problems. I’m not even allowed to go to my friend’s Unitarian church because she doesn’t know what they teach. Considering they had Bibles, I’m going to go with something to do with this guy a couple thousand years ago.
I’m part of my Gay Straight Alliance at my school. I suppose I’m an ally, too. I don’t really encounter that many homophobes, despite going to a Baptist church. The subject doesn’t come up all too much.
Like I said, I’m more focused on my schoolwork and such than that kind of stuff.
Where hath thine comment gone? Sorry if it shows up multiple times. I guess this the internet’s way of saying my post is worth reading over and over.
Here it is, just in case:
I’m Zoe. I’m awesome. ‘Nuff said.
I honestly couldn’t care less about my sexuality. I have more things to be worried about than if I (Oh Noes!) like a girl or a guy (like Algebra and Chemistry and making my deadlines for newspaper). I recently dated someone for the first time (if you’ve been following, I’m a teen), but it didn’t work out. I’m still friends with her.
I’m “out” to a majority of my friends, but not to my family. If someone asks me if I’m gay or bi, I usually just respond with, “I’m Zoe. I like who I like” and leave it at that. Most of my friends are the “outcasts” anyway; it’ll all cool. I have a couple people I’m considering telling, but I don’t like not being able to go back in a situation. I know as soon as I let the cat out of the bag, it won’t go back in.
My sexuality is really a non-issue to me. If I’m gay, go me. If I’m straight go me. I don’t understand all the fuss about it, honestly.*
I haven’t told any of my family. My mom is a Baptist and while not incredibly and overwhelmingly homophobic, if she found out I was anything other than stick straight it would probably cause problems. I’m not even allowed to go to my friend’s Unitarian church because she doesn’t know what they teach. Considering they had Bibles, I’m going to go with something to do with this guy a couple thousand years ago.
I’m part of my Gay Straight Alliance at my school. I suppose I’m an ally, too. I don’t really encounter that many homophobes, despite going to a Baptist church. The subject doesn’t come up all too much.
Like I said, I’m more focused on my schoolwork and such than that kind of stuff.
Zoe, the reason that sexuality is ‘fussed’ about is that people are still being killed, harrassed, have laws passed against them, and denied equality.
While your sexuality may to you be a personal and private thing you don’t really give a second thought it, the thing is it’s NOT JUST your personal and private sexuality.
On one level its because sexuality in general is part of wider cultural norms of behaviour, citizenship, othering, humanisation, societal membership and rights. On another level, the level of being queer specifically, our sexualities aren’t just a matter of the personal and the private because as existing outside what is constructed as ‘normal’ they simply cannot be.
Personal and private are privileges that us queers simply don’t have, and trying to pretend they are just ignores the socio-structural forces preventing them from actually being so.
I am very happy for you if you are having no issues personally with which sexuality you may end up finding yourself aligning with. In fact, I’m really proud of all the work of all the activists that have come before us that have allowed you to be in a position to do so.
But the thing is, we aren’t there yet, and still have quite a way to go, and it’s through efforts like National Coming Out Day that make a ‘fuss’ that we will slowly but eventually get there.
Denise, if you are looking to play in a queer friendly guild on WoW I highly recommend The Stonewall Champions/The Spreading Taint on the Proudmore server. I haven’t had a chance to join yet due to being incredibly lazy on alt leveling, but I hear they’s good people and great fun to play with. Not to threadjack, sorry.
I’m not out at work. I’d probably be out at work if I wasn’t doing the job just to keep my food stamps, but as it is I really need to stay employed. And really, when I’m there I like to focus on how I can help them out than my own identity. I have a lot of privilege already, I’d rather not make that one space all about the white chick.
I’ve been out as an ally basically all through college. I was still sheltered enough in high school to be somewhat squicked out by what my mother at least saw as squicked-out-worthy, and unfortunately the only out gay person I knew before then was this obnoxious bastard of a junior high english teacher. I shouldn’t have let that influence my perception, but… well, let’s just say that middle schoolers suck. And compound each other’s suckitude. I knew some cool gay folks in high school and just didn’t think about it much. Then I gained more exposure at college, and… well, I realized how stupid I’d been.
As for now? Well, my school’s LGBT organization gives out free shirts that say “gay? fine by me.” for national coming out day. I’m wearing one right now, and I’m about to go shop at a central PA Walmart.
I’ve also slept with my best friend, a female bisexual furry vegatarion pagan. Fun, but largely settled my mostly-straightness. I’m a self-described 2 on the Kinsey scale, maybe 3 if I’m drunk, and off the scale if Shakira’s involved. ^_^
Freedom is a good thing. In my perfect world, everyone would be free to feel how they feel, love who they love, and be who they are. This desire for freedom strikes me as a rather patriotic sentiment, really. Too bad the Orwellian version of the term is so popular…
Note to the choir: talk amongst yourselves for a sec.
To anyone reading along who is struggling with coming out, something that cannot be said often enough, though it has been alluded to a bunch of times above, is that coming out is not something anyone does just once.
It is something we do over and over, and it gets easier over time (and scarier at times). Each step you take is a real victory and something to be proud of, and not judged against the outness of someone else (but feel free to use them as inspirations.) People speak as though coming out or being out is something you do once and it is over. That ain’t so.
Just about everyone I know who has done any coming out at all agrees that looking ahead to any coming out moment is far scarier than looking back at most of them, even if the consequences suck sometimes. And you don’t have to take it all at once.
If I can recommend anything, try to be just a little more out than you are comfortable with. If it is time for a heroic leap, go for it, but if it isn’t, then make a small step, even if it is an anonymous letter to a politician or donation to a cause (they do take cash, “don’t send cash through the mail” notwithstanding!).
The other advice I can give is don’t wait for others to ask. Most people, including those of us who are and have been out for a while, are very unlikely to raise the issue first. I know so many people who say “If they ask, I will be willing to tell them, but if they don’t ask, they aren’t ready.” And even more people who say “I would love to support them, and of course I can tell they are gay, but I am not going to out them; it is for them to bring it up first.”
To all, in or out, GLBT or allies, Happy Coming Out Day!
Sarah: Oh fuck, I meant in the fuss in the first place, not the response to it. I was going to add it in when I edited it, but I guess I fail at teh speaking and communicating properly thing. I’m so sorry for upsetting you.*
*not sarcasm, I seriously am.
Thanks for this post, Pam. It’s a great one.
I’m halfway out as bisexual (God, I hate that word so much. I usually just say “queer”). I just left Denver to return to South Carolina, where I grew up. Everyone in Denver knows, but it’s a much more accepting community. I don’t really know very many people in SC and I live with my parents (saving money for grad school and all) so there aren’t a whole lot of people outside of family members to come out to. All 4 of my friends here know.
My coworkers don’t know, but only because I don’t really talk to them. I imagine at some point they’ll ask me if I have a boyfriend and I might tell them then.
My immediate family doesn’t know, but I’m pretty sure that my Dad knows after a severely drunken conversation we had a couple weeks ago. My mom would freak. Seriously, freak. I don’t know if she’d kick me out, but since I kind of need to live there right now, I don’t plan on bringing it up. I’ve never told my brothers directly, but I don’t think they’d be surprised.
Two of my cousins know.
I had planned on coming out to the fam when I moved back in July, but then I realized it was kind of a big undertaking considering my support system is 1500 miles away.
*fuss meaning people protesting gay marriage and the need to prove that one is a “man’s man.” I’m sure it’s been stated much more eloquently before, but what would possess a person to be so seemingly obsessive about another person’s sexuality? Especially enough to put it in several religious documents.
Just so we’re clear. I can never be sure how correctly I am being perceived, especially o the internet.
Well said, Peter - a friend of mine was a late bloomer, bisexual but mostly gay, and he had a horrid time with gay culture at the time DEMANDING definitive statements. That just isn’t him and he really wasn’t sure what he wanted anyway.
Even if you are struggling, however, ally behavior is always in order. You may or may not be gay, you may or may not be ready, but you don’t need to be invisible.
– your friends?
Yes! Though I’m in a new place now, so not as many friends nearby. But when I meet new people, and it comes up, I don’t hide it. (Though sometimes consciously, I’m still dealing with this annoying urge to talk around it, y’know, with vague pronouns and all that.)
– your immediate family?
My parents, but not my brother. He’s sixteen and at that age where he doesn’t really talk…we’ll see what happens in the future with that.
– your extended family?
No. Some of them I’d love to be out to, some of them I’d just rather not deal with it. I’m not super close to them in general, and don’t see them all that often.
– any/some/most of your colleagues at work?
New job, so not currently.
– your boss?
See above.
– your doctors?
I don’t currently have a doctor.
– your neighbors?
Once again, new place. If it comes up, it comes up. I’m not going to hide it.
So I’m not actively hiding it, but I do sometimes have a real bad habit of just going along with what people are saying without correcting them. There are situations where that’s what I’ve got to do (like with my host family on study abroad…) but most of the time I think it would do me some personal, psychological good to correct them.
I’m out (as bisexual) to most of my friends and co-workers as well as my immediate family. Oddly enough (or not) I find it hardest to come out to my gay and lesbian friends. When I do the reactions range from “aw that’s cute, she thinks she’s one of us” to “yeah I’ll believe you when you get rid of that live-in boyfriend.” So I mostly just let it go and let them treat me like (and I behave like) a particularly vocal straight ally (I called off my wedding to the aforementioned live-in in solidarity when my home state made gay marriage unconstitutional). It’s difficult because bisexuality is such a grey area, and especially when you’re in a heterosexual relationship you don’t undergo a lot of the same harrassment and loss of rights as homosexual friends who can’t “pass.”
I’m proud to be an ally! (And proud to live in Massachusetts, too.)
I’m sad (and angry) that so many people cannot be themselves under threat of alienation and even physical harm. May the human race continue to evolve.
totally O/T: in meatspace wow, never heard that term before
Zoe -
*smile* hon, you didn’t upset me, or at least not seriously
It’s just that I have heard from a lot of queer youth that in combination with a lack of want for labels (which I can understand, even though I’m not completely in agreement with) an almost denial of any connection to queer activism of the past (damn, I am sounding seriously old here and I’m only bloody 33) as though it doesn’t apply to them. And so maybe you just hit a nerve in me more than anything you said yourself.
It’s kinda like those young women that say “I’m not a feminist, but I think men and woman are equal”. You seriously want to get up almost verbally slap them.
But I get now that’s not what you meant hon
My lesbian neighbors never came out officially to us, but it was pretty obvious they were a couple. Plus one was sweet and the other was grumpy.
dearest buh-wha?,
sounds like we’re in a similar place (regarding our gay and lesbian friends). but, then, some of my friends who are lesbian, like to note that they think I’m more lesbian than straight. so, now, on that Kinsey scale- I have no idea where I fall.
maybe less in the middle than I thought?
I couldn’t think of anyone to come out to today. Everybody knows.
This January, I’ll have been out to my parents for a year. I’m a tad slow; I’ve known I was some form of not-straight for just about six years. In December, I celebrate my one-year anniversary with my girlfriend, who I go to school in Ohio with (more on that later). She also lives near me in my home state.
These two things - coming out and the girl - are not unconnected. She’s been out for four years, and she gave me the strength to talk to my parents. I’m extremely grateful.
On to your list…
– your friends?
All of them. Including the Mormon, my Very Christian friends, and the homophobic girl. I actually lost the last one as a friend. I don’t really mourn the loss; it was a long time coming, and she didn’t respect who I was.
– your immediate family?
Yup. Parents and brother.
– your extended family?
One of my mom’s sisters, and her kids. It’s working its way around the family; Thanksgiving should be interesting.
– any/some/most of your colleagues at work?
I’m not employed at the moment, unfortunately. I am a poor college student. My classmates mostly know; going to school with your girlfriend will do that.
– your boss?
No boss. My teachers know, some of them. I didn’t out and out tell them, but it’s a small campus and Sarah walks me to class on occasion.
– your doctors?
Yup. She’s pleased that she doesn’t have to give me the “don’t get pregnant by boys” anymore.
– your neighbors?
Mhm. One knew before my parents did. One asked me how my girlfriend was doing when I had no idea she knew. That was hilarious. I stared at her and said, “…she’s doing well.” What else could I say?
All in all, I’m happy. Sarah and I tend to be careful about physical affection.when we leave campus, because we’re in Ohio, but that’s life.
Shorter Sarah in Chicago: Yes, you’re welcome.
Once again, you made me laugh, Sarah. I’ma couple of years older than you, and definitely deep in the territory bordered by ‘you kids get offa my lawn!’ with the GSA I’m sponsoring. Today’s 15 year olds just don’t appreciate how easy they have it, do they?
Twenty years ago tomorrow, I sat down on the steps of the Supreme Court and waited to be hauled off, in my first act of politics since coming out two years earlier. We were so crushed by the Hardwick decision and something had to be done.
It’s been a long strange trip, and to all those who’ve joined in since, welcome aboard!
Been out since 1995.
But I agree with Eve Kofsky Sedgewick that coming out is a process never fully realized under heteronormativity. We may be out to our family, friends and co-workers, but for me coming out is a daily process.
Just today I came out to a cingular employee while going business. Yesterday I came out to a plummer fixing my bath tub.
I come out everyday, over and over again.
couldn’t think of anyone to come out to today. Everybody knows.
Even your new neighbors, Jeff? If you dropped by with cookies …
The only thing I want from my neighbors is to be left alone! I’m probably not going to get to know them–gonna dissertate and depart.
Oh. Lordie! Don’t get me started.
Only time I’ve been actually stunned into silence in the classroom: “You mean there hasn’t always been AIDS?”
I get it when straight kids have no idea about Stonewall, but when gay kids don’t even know what ACT-UP was?! Something’s not right.
Several weeks ago I saw that Chris Crocker video of him weeping over Britney and all I could think was, “I risked my ass for that?!” Oy.
Wow - I just watched the “ex-gay destroys families” testimonials.
You know what? Dobson and Bennett probably don’t give a shit about these women - in their book, it is perfectly acceptable to use a woman to fix a man, even if it destroys or robs years of life from her.
This January, I’ll have been out to my parents for a year. I’m a tad slow; I’ve known I was some form of not-straight for just about six years. In December, I celebrate my one-year anniversary with my girlfriend, who I go to school in Ohio with (more on that later). She also lives near me in my home state.
These two things - coming out and the girl - are not unconnected. She’s been out for four years, and she gave me the strength to talk to my parents. I’m extremely grateful.
On to your list…
– your friends?
All of them. Including the Mormon, my Very Christian friends, and the homophobic girl. I actually lost the last one as a friend. I don’t really mourn the loss; it was a long time coming, and she didn’t respect who I was.
– your immediate family?
Yup. Parents and brother.
– your extended family?
One of my mom’s sisters, and her kids. It’s working its way around the family; Thanksgiving should be interesting.
– any/some/most of your colleagues at work?
I’m not employed at the moment, unfortunately. I am a poor college student. My classmates mostly know; going to school with your girlfriend will do that.
– your boss?
No boss. My teachers know, some of them. I didn’t out and out tell them, but it’s a small campus and Sarah walks me to class on occasion.
– your doctors?
Yup. She’s pleased that she doesn’t have to give me the “don’t get pregnant by boys” anymore.
– your neighbors?
Mhm. One knew before my parents did. One asked me how my girlfriend was doing when I had no idea she knew. That was hilarious. I stared at her and said, “…she’s doing well.” What else could I say?
All in all, I’m happy. Sarah and I tend to be careful about physical affection.when we leave campus, because we’re in Ohio, but that’s life.
I’m definitely an ally, and pretty darned obvious about it. But I put a statement on my LJ since this reminded me.
I’m het. I refer to my partner of ten years as “my partner” or “Himself”. I also tend to think of myself as being a person who is sexuality-neutral when it comes to the preferences of others.
– are you “out” as an ally?
I don’t know. My few friends on this side of the continent are het, and I don’t have that many social contacts which aren’t over the internet. On the ‘net, I’m more likely to make decisions about a person based on their ability to spell correctly and punctuate accurately than on their preferences for sex. Their spelling and punctuation determines how readable their words are. Their sexuality doesn’t affect me unless they’re actually propositioning me directly.
– are you able to talk about gay friends or relatives with others?
I’d be fine with it. No gay relatives that I know of (there may well be someone out on the outer fringes of the extended family, but if there is, they’re likely keeping it vewy vewy quiet, since the majority of the rellies tend toward religious beliefs of some persuasion or another), and as I said, for most of my friends online, their sexuality isn’t really something that comes up in casual conversation.
My own take is that someone else’s sexuality is their business. It’s not mine unless they’re involving me. This goes double for a workplace, or a social group. Treble for neighbours (so long as they keep the noise down past midnight, it really doesn’t affect me!).
– are you comfortable shooting down homophobes when they spout off during a conversation?
Ah. Here you hit one of my buttons. I’m not comfortable with getting into a confrontation with anyone with extreme views - and this does include a lot of my family. My anger issues are manyfold and convoluted. Online, I’ll tend to point out that whichever views are being slurred around are probably inaccurate, and if I’m really pissed off, I’ll start asking for evidence. I haven’t yet got to the point where I’ll drop an encylopaedia length post with multiple references in response to a single troll, but sometimes I get close.
My own views on all of this are coloured by the following:
* I’m effectively asexual at present due to the medication I’m taking
* I’m Australian, living in Australia
* I’m afflicted with a form of social blindness which means I don’t notice people taking an interest in me sexually unless they hit me with it upside the head (and it appears to be hereditary - my mother apparently has the same thing).
For my straight readers:
– are you “out” as an ally?
– are you able to talk about gay friends or relatives with others?
– are you comfortable shooting down homophobes when they spout off during a conversation?
Ally? Yes.
Talk? Well, sure.
Shooting dopey people? Well, no.
My eldest niece came out to me at the visitation for my mother. My brother has apparently taken it well, my dad has now met her girlfriend and likes her, and my SIL told my niece that she had “ruined her life.” I love you, CEC, and will always be here for you.
–Outspoken Straight Ally
yes, yes, and YES. (i love mixin’ it up with the idjits). i was lucky in that i grew up in a super-diverse area, so i was fully growned and very staunch in my convictions before i first came face-to-face with anti-gay bigotry. i could see where, if i had been in that situation at, say, 12, and not at 19, things would have been harder. but maybe not…i remember almost slugging it out with my grandpa over Bill Clinton, back in the day.
Mortality writes,
Assuming you do know that you are attracted to some men and some women, you can just say this. No need to choose the word “bisexual” if you aren’t sure it accurately describes you.
I’m in a similar situation to holly r. I’m out to everyone except my family. I don’t have a good relationship with my family in general, and I wouldn’t tell them if I was getting a new apartment, or if I was fired from my job, or anything else important.
I am out online, and to my girls. (they are out to me as well)..
I am ew my god I hate this word Bisexual. Because it doesn’t describe me at all.. Queer is a closer match, but still misses, and I can’t bring myself to say poly just yet because of my OWN hang ups :/ haha What would that make me then? I find myself attracted to androgenous women/men, transexuals, and queers of like mind. Body makes no difference to me as that’s not the first thing I look for..
No, I am not out to my family, (LDS Mormons) and I doubt very seriously I would or will ever come out to them. I have a hard enough time protecting and defending my girl’s sexuality choices to add mine to the coop. There was a simillar campaign at school in their LGBT ally community that encouraged them to come out. (who ever thought of that one in the middle of a blood red district needs to be smacked upside the head!) Half the kids have been transfered out or expelled, the other half have been demonized and brutalized in school, and both girls have to be driven back and forth to school because it’s now not safe for them to ride the bus.
Anyway, they came out to my parents and the ah ensuing battle occured where they are attempting to remove the kids from my custody and give them to their bigoted dad, who yeah let’s not go there….
Work? I haven’t seen work in 7 yrs. Since I filed a sexual harrassment suit against my last boss (that was summilarily dismissed due to no evidence)
Friends? nope don’t have any in real life and with the climate in my current living area, don’t want any. It’s too red for my blood! **grin** No, I am serious.. There is usually a daily beating and killing of people around these parts and last thing I want is someone to come after me.
Neighbors? Too isolated and constricting on beliefs to even open a door for a stranger to have any worries about the neighbors.
One thing that definately makes it very hard, is being in a solid commited relationship. He knows and is fully wanting to support me in my needs, but he isn’t ready for it really and i wouldn’t want to push that on him. I have been living in the closet for a very long time, not to say it doesn’t come out. It does, especially when a person catches my eye or my ear and i want to know their name. He loves me and I love him and I want to meet a girl who could round us out. But and that’s a BIG one. I put out wierd signals.
My bestfriend of 25 yrs has said she always thought I was the gay one when she was the androgenous one.. (completely het) But I didn’t believe her being so inducted into the religion. I left the religion about 12 yrs ago, When my X left me for .. (not saying) Anyway, Since the religion is still on the way out, (somethings I can’t stop, like following the “Golden Rule” and loving our enemies, even though that would get me killed. Its a work in progress. But EVERYONE knows I defend my LGBT friends even though I don’t have any. Well I did, but the couple were “his” friends and they took his side in the divorce and well yeah we know where that went.
I am for loving who you love, it’s not my buisness to be in your bedroom nor you be in mine unless your interested.. LOL So me and the girls talk openly about it, my older daughter has a girlfriend, and the younger daughter isn’t sure yet and that’s fine. She had a boyfriend, but apparently he wasn’t nice to her sister, so she told him to go suck an egg. LOL