Quite a few reader passed on the link to the NYT article "Aging and Gay, and Facing Prejudice in Twilight," a feature on the plight of some gay seniors and the hostility they face in retirement and assisted living facilities.
Even now, at 81 and with her memory beginning to fade, Gloria Donadello recalls her painful brush with bigotry at an assisted-living center in Santa Fe, N.M. Sitting with those she considered friends, “people were laughing and making certain kinds of comments, and I told them, ‘Please don’t do that, because I’m gay.’”The bottom line is, that for many gay citizens that spent their entire lives finding ways to emerge from the closet are finding themselves in the predicament of having to return to the closet.The result of her outspokenness, Ms. Donadello said, was swift and merciless. “Everyone looked horrified,” she said. No longer included in conversation or welcome at meals, she plunged into depression. Medication did not help. With her emotional health deteriorating, Ms. Donadello moved into an adult community nearby that caters to gay men and lesbians.
“I felt like I was a pariah,” she said, settled in her new home. “For me, it was a choice between life and death.”
Elderly gay people like Ms. Donadello, living in nursing homes or assisted-living centers or receiving home care, increasingly report that they have been disrespected, shunned or mistreated in ways that range from hurtful to deadly, even leading some to commit suicide.
There's actually a couple of semi-sane sympathetic voices in the bottom-feeding swamp of Freeperland, there are a couple buried in between the unadulterated bile, but if there was any thought that the old adage of respecting your elders extended to out seniors, it was cast aside by the angry mob. It's after the jump.
I don't want elderly homosexuals to be mistreated by care-takers or shunned by fellow residents, but federal legislation certainly is not the answer. Of course the article does not mention as causes of loneliness the lack of children in homosexual relationships or the higher break-up rates of male homosexual relationships. Maybe some "lifestyles" are less conducive to happiness?
You know - people with strong families and strong beliefs (Christ) don’t jump to suicide or depression if someone calls them a name… But the gay lifestyle has none of that…
[sarc]Yes, because there obviously no such thing as a gay Christian. I mean, what's next? Alcholic Christians? Gambling Christians? Next you'll tell me thieves can be Christians, too.[/sarc]
My brother in law is the director of three “assisted living” facilities, I asked him about this article his response “b*ll shit”. Thats my only source of information about this story which to me does not pass the smell test.
I would agree with him if he's talking about staff treatment….but I have to agree with the story if it's regarding the residents. If you're in your 80's….you grew up in a time that being gay was not appropriate to talk about, be around or have welcomed to your social circles. She wants to "come out of the closet" with those of that era and feel welcome….she's deluding herself in thinking legislation is going to change it.
On the one hand, I should accept them for who they are — homosexuals. On the other hand, shouldn't they have to accept me for who I am — someone who doesn't want to be friends with homosexuals? I'm forced to be tolerant — but they don't have to be?
No doubt the federal nanny will soon be supporting these old homosexuals. I guess they didn’t think they’d get to be sick and 80+ when they were criticizing us “breeders,” but now our children and grandchildren will have to pay for their upkeep in increased taxes.
Agreed. I volunteer with an organization that provides companionship for alone elderly nursing home residents and at that age, they simply don’t care what or who you are anymore.
People who choose deviant lifestyles do not think rationally of what life will be down the road. With the politically-correct promotion of being "identified" and becoming part of a class that is singled out for special recognition and treatment, even if it means deviant behavior, may be attractive to those who feel "left out" of belonging to SOMETHING, and they gravitate toward this abhorhent behavior as a means of joining a "group". They don't join normally-adjusted, natural conduct society, but rather, join the deviant lifestyle community, and then whine when they find out it's not a rational or long-term solution to their problems. Unfortunately for them, they become even MORE lonely and un-supported.
I’m sort of a “radical right winger” as they say about a lot of things, but I have a lesbian sister (I’m one of 6), and I am amazed at her life. She’s been in a monogamous relationship for over 20 years; they’ve adopted two boys, one of them was what you’d call a “serious risk” baby: abandoned, born to an addict in the ghetto, MAJOR fetal probs, etc. To see those boys grow up so well, to see them blossom under love and guidance, to see them so well-raised from such dangerous beginnings, I have to tell you I have become much more tolerant of folks’ sexual “identities.” My sister is a great - even an heroic - mom even if she’s a homosexual.
I agree - and she is a very rare exception to the homosexual lifestyle…
Yeah, well she forgot to mention making light of pedophiles, beastophiles, sexual predators and other deviant behaviors.
The dirty little secret of the (male) gay world is that once you are past your prime physically, your street value declines very quickly. There is always a boy younger and hotter than you, ready to take your place, and gays are notorious for always wanting to "trade up". As an intimite observer of male gay behavior for the last several years, I got a kick how the younger, firmer gays derisively belittled the older ones as "wrinkled and gross", then were horrified that the next year they were themselves were mocked by gays who themselves were younger and firmer.
Maybe it is because gays are so catty, but I see them ride the popularity wave as long as possible, with an attitude of "I don't need anybody, I'm young and hot, everyone wants me, No need to be nice to the lessers" but then find themselves cast out due to their failing attractiveness. Then their attitude becomes "life is so unfair, all they care about is looks, can't they see me for more than that?", when it was they who perpetuated that very same value not much earlier. It is a repeating pattern of sadness and loss.
We live with the conduct and associations we choose. Unfortunately, “love the sinner and hate the sin” is harder to live by than ostracism.
I have trouble with the concept of homosexuals being “who they are”. No, it’s not who they are, it’s what they’ve chosen to do, nothing more or less. Chosen behavior carries with it consequences, no matter what that behavior is.
I agree. They choose to have a lifestyle, I choose to disapprove of their lifestyle. They criticize my choice by pointing out that their choice cannot be criticized. Boggles my mind.
I have no sympathy whatsoever for anyone who announces that they have a wicked, perverted view of life and God’s creation, and expects others just to tolerate that. Back in the closet with them(!) instead of setting up a society where they take over whole streets and communities with their filth. RE-ENACT ANT-SODOMY LEGISLATION as it existed prior to WWII.
27 Responses to “Aging, gay and disrespected”
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The brits seem to be better at this sort of thing, or at least they have a better sence of humour. There was Quentin Crisp, one of the founders of England’s gay rights, who once referred to himself in his dotage as “One of those stately old British homoes”.
Ya gotta love a man who can laugh at himself …
“I agree - and she is a very rare exception to the homosexual lifestyle…”
Oh, boy! That’s my favorite! Being a commenter at Freeperland definitely gives you A+ credentials relating to the anthropology of North American homosexuals. It’s too bad there’s all this liberal bias in the media, or that guy could drop the handle and publish his research in a peer-reviewed journal!
I care so very little these days what the Freepy-Crawlers fart out in their swamp. My question is, what can we (you and me) do to improve life for gay elders?
Zuh?
That’s right! And when I’m in a nursing home, I’m going to bully and ostracize the Christian residents. After all, since they chose to be that way, anything I do to them is merely a consequence of their chosen behaviour, right? Awesome. Can’t wait to speed away in my wheelchair, clutching a lapful of stolen crosses, cackling “Where’s your God now?” before I am inevitably tackled to the ground and forcibly medicated.
Mister Nice Guy, it depends on where you are. If you contact your local LGBT center, they can point you in the right direction.
I just love this one:
“As in intimite [sic] observer of male gay behavior for the last several years…”? This guy must think he’s some sort of gay-hunting Jane Goodall or Steve Irwin. Crikey!
(Who wants to take a bet that this guy’ll be the next one to be found belly-up in two wetsuits with a dildo up his ass?)
Wow! Just this:
“On the one hand, I should accept them for who they are — homosexuals. On the other hand, shouldn’t they have to accept me for who I am — someone who doesn’t want to be friends with homosexuals? I’m forced to be tolerant — but they don’t have to be?”
Because I, just like many of the country’s homosexuals, am just running around forcing bigoted little asshat fundies to befriend me. I just won’t be satisfied until they spend hours on the phone with me, talking in detail about my “lifestyle” or until they invite me over for tea and cookies so I can talk about the joys of sodomy. Gay rights and tolerance has nothing to do with it, I want some fundie friends and I want them NOW!!
I AM tolerant of stupid fundies. I don’t support laws that forbid them to marry or allowing the workplace to discriminate against them. But inside the fundie brain asking the same for myself and my community is somehow suddenly demanding “special rights” and a horrifying request of ,um, tolerance. God these people are stupid.
Yeah, those viejas in Santa Fe can get really rude when it comes to teh gay folks.
Even though 97% of ‘em have a gay member in the family. Don’t ask, don’t tell.
@Joy..
Yeah the “intimate observer” thing rang a few bells for me as well. He is probably just another “wide stance” heterosexual. Republicans assume that the entire gay world is full of bathroom hook-ups or meth fueled hotel hooker sex because it’s the only part of “the gay world” that they personally participate in.
My brother in law is the director of three “assisted living” facilities, I asked him about this article his response “b*ll shit”. Thats my only source of information about this story which to me does not pass the smell test.
“I hate gays and I comment at a site where a lot of my fellow commenters also hate gays. This story about gays being treated hatefully has to be bullshit!”
**My brother in law is the director of three “assisted living” facilities**
Hmmm. Think he gets out much to mingle w/ the residents? My guess is that his office is not even in the same STATE as the aforementioned facilities. He stops in once a month. Maybe. And never goes out on the floor.
“The dirty little secret of the (male) gay world is that once you are past your prime physically, your street value declines very quickly. There is always a boy younger and hotter than you, ready to take your place, and gays are notorious for always wanting to “trade up”.
And this makes them different than straight men like Rudy Guiliani, Newt Gingrich, and Fred Thompson … how, again?
It’s like when a local movie theater owner was murdered by his greedy boyfriend who hoped to inherit a lot of money, and my brother said, “Well, that’s what happens when you lead that kind of lifestyle.”
I said, “Yeah, because it’s completely unheard of for a wife to kill her husband for the insurance money.”
There’s a reason my brother and I don’t talk about this stuff much.
And this is different from the plot of every other Lifetime movie where the woman gets married, gets tied down with some kids, quits working and stays home to take care of the kids, then ends up on welfare when her husband leaves her and the kids so he can run off with his much younger co-worker?
Seriously. Heterosexuals have been living this kind of lifestyle for decades, and I don’t hear anybody decrying the opt-out revolution and chastizing straight women to stop having more children than they can support on their own, because they’re just one nubile intern away from homelessness.
My, this is all so unenlightening. And let’s face it: who cares about old people, gay or straight? It becomes a matter of money after a certain age. If you have money, you will find people to look after you. If not, you can throw yourself on the mercy of your family members, who may or may not come to your rescue. You would be amazed at how expensive it is to take care of people who can’t take care of themselves. Right now my 97 year old mother in law’s care is putting her back $80,000 a year. Lucky she has the money, because it would be Shady Pines Terminal Rest Home for her if she didn’t.
Will we solve this huge social problem, ever? Of course not. We’re Americans. We never solve social problems.
Anyone who thinks that youth and beauty obsession are strictly a homo thing are lying to themselves. Just read the reactions to this story. Apparently, a woman can’t be beautiful after the age of 35, no matter how “hot” she was to begin with. Pffft.
Because this NEVER IS THE CASE with women traditionally in Het relationships?! My GAWD, talk about someone in denial. This is just like those people who go to Kink Fairs and only talk about how pervy the gay folks are there, and totally don’t mention the equal numbers of heterosexuals doing the SAME THING.
Any bets this person has been married more than once, “trading up” for the next model, or been victim of the same? And really, how would one know this intimately? Is it that the boys at the gay bar he secrets to when he’s “working late” are not going for him anymore and he’s just bitter? Just ‘cause he can’t get laid, old gay people should be ostracized at the nursing home?
I don’t think there’s anyway I can really wrap my head around this, even with everyone else’s points.
Yeah, because if you had to admit most same sex families are boring and normal (or even heroic), then your head would explode. “Oh, I hate Teh Gays - except for My Heroic Lesbian Sister. She’s the only acceptable gay person.”
Rumblelizard–It’s more like 15 to 20, actually…ask Derbyshire Salad.
Actually, I translated “intimate observer” into “My brother is gay and I haven’t spoken to him in years, but I can imagine what he’s up to, the filthy pervert.”
Also, can we bully the republicans when we get to nursing homes? That’s a lifestyle choice, too.
Regarding the “dirty little secret” — there is in fact a difference between the gay and straight male experience of it among those who do play the stupid game.
That is that the straight men don’t inevitably find themselves on the recieving end of it, hoist on their own petards. Straight men can on occasion play the game all their lives, since the “only hot people are worth anything” standard doesn’t go both ways in the straight meat market.
Of course, the underlying assumption of the moron who originally wrote it is that the entire “gay male world” operates that way, which completely overlooks all the guys who are trying to get marriage, adoption, inheritance, and health care rights for themselves and the partners they aren’t trading in. (Of course, it goes without saying that the wimminz get left entirely out of his diatribe.)
It’s really the “dirty little secret” of the meat-market singles scene, for both genders and all orientations. And of course, it’s also as secret as, oh, gravity.
If it weren’t so enraging, it would be amusing that almost all of the reasons anyone ever gives for allowing gay people to be supported in doing anything resembling having a stable, loving, responsible family and community life all always come down to how shallow, irresponsible, and unstable the young gay male singles scene is.
Because, as has been pointed out, young straight men are such paragons of responsible behavior.
Wait, isn’t that a description of Freeperland?
Although I must confess I’d never considered the issue before—possibly an unforgivable oversight on my part—now that it’s been brought to my attention I can say I consider myself a strong proponent of the right of mature, consenting ants to participate in all the sodomy they want. Whatever gets their miniscule rocks off.
To get back to the original article… old gay people in nursing homes are being ignored by the old straight people in the nursing home because they don’t like gay people. And the solution is…? Force the straight old people to hang out with gay old people under threat of turning off their oxygen tanks? Yes, it’s sad that people are bigoted but I doubt that a bunch of 80 year olds are going to change their opinions on homosexuality. And as far as I know, the law still allows people to decide who they want to be friends with.
Dude, if you “don’t want to be friends with homosexuals,” then you do not “accept them for who they are.”
“Force the straight old people to hang out with gay old people […] ?”
Yes, actually.
In my partner’s grandmother’s facility, there are not enough tables in the dining room for anyone to sit alone. So what’s the old gay lady to do? Stand in the corner and balance her tray on her walker as she eats? Eat dinner at tables where people verbally abuse her?
Or have the managers step in and tell the bigots to stop behaving like precious little 6-year-olds?
AHHHHHHHHHHH! Most of the comments makes me…WINCE.
Homosexuality is natural, and whether it is just a genetic hiccup from running out of something or having too much of something after having many, many sons (the youngest ones are more likely to be gay), it is a good population control. Homosexuals who can’t naturally have children together, or chose not to somehow not find someway to (spermbank or friend willing to surrogate), fills a very needed niche in society; adoptive parents.
…or, singles willing to fill in the weekend slots so that parents can spend time with their kids.
They’ve done their part in life, and when old, they should be care for.
…and now for something positive;
New Book Shows Diversity Of Gay Families
by Doug Windsor 365Gay.com New York Bureau
Posted: June 27, 2005 2:00 pm ET
http://www.365gay.com/newscon05/06/062705tango.htm