It's never too late to learn that homophobia is a waste of time and energy and separates loved ones for reasons that seem absurd in hindsight. This elderly woman learned the hard way when her straight relatives turned her away after she was widowed, but the gay son (and partner) she ostracized turned the other cheek and took her in. She wrote to Dear Abby:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I raised our two sons and two daughters. One son and both daughters married well. Our other son, "Neil," is gay. He and his partner, "Ron," have been together 15 years, but Neil's father and I never wanted to know Ron because we disapproved of their lifestyle.Look at the personal pain it took for that mother to learn the importance of loving someone as they are, and for the generous hearts of her son and his partner. Some may not have been so forgiving; this story is one that should be clipped and left for other parents unaccepting of their LGBT children. It's never too late to try to open their eyes.When I was 74, my husband died, leaving me in ill health and nearly penniless. No longer able to live alone, I asked my married son and two daughters if I could "visit" each of them for four months a year. (I didn't want to burden any one family, and thought living out of a suitcase would be best for everyone.) All three turned me down. Feeling unwanted, I wanted to die.
When Neil and Ron heard what had happened, they invited me to move across country and live with them. They welcomed me into their home, and even removed a wall between two rooms so I'd have a bedroom with a private bath and sitting room — although we spend most of our time together.
They also include me in many of their plans. Since I moved in with them, I have traveled more than I have my whole life and seen places I only read about in books. They never mention the fact that they are supporting me, or that I ignored them in the past.
When old friends ask how it feels living with my gay son, I tell them I hope they're lucky enough to have one who will take them in one day. Please continue urging your readers to accept their children as they are. My only regret is that I wasted 15 years. — GRATEFUL MOM
DEAR GRATEFUL MOM: You are indeed fortunate to have such a loving, generous and forgiving son. Sexual orientation is not a measure of anyone's humanity or worth. Thank you for pointing out how important it is that people respect each other for who they are, not for what we would like them to be.
Little did anyone know that there would be an emotional outpouring of letters to Dear Abby about other victories over intolerance and fear. A couple are after the jump.
From the September 18 column:
Dear Abby: I am writing to respond to "Grateful Mom," the widow who, in her time of need, was invited by her son Neil and his partner to live with them despite having rejected Neil in the past because he is gay. I have a gay son, too, and I would not trade him for anyone. He is the most loving and caring son any parent could ever have. I consider myself very lucky.These stories are a great counterbalance to the hateful screeds of homophobia spewed by the professional bible beating orgs alleging to be "pro-family" — Focus on the Family, the Family Research Council and the rest. If anything they pervert the word family — it's shameful that these outfits claim to be the voice of moral values, when it is clear, time and again, that the unnatural focus on fomenting intolerance, particularly to raise money for these hate machines, is the antithesis of family.When it was time for me to relocate, it was his partner who first approached me about moving across the state to be near them. My son helped me find a cute little house to buy. My two dogs and I are very happy.
I will not have grandchildren, but I do have grand-dogs and another wonderful son. I am blessed.
— Another Grateful Mom in Florida
Dear Another Mom: I am pleased that things are going so well for you. The responses to "Grateful Mom's" letter were heartwarming. They serve as a reminder that acceptance, love and recognition of the importance of family can triumph over intolerance and fear. Read on:
Dear Abby: I am the father of three boys, one of whom is gay. "Grateful Mom" had forgotten the most basic of things — that your child is a part of you, and we must love, support and participate in our children's lives. I love all my sons, and I am proud of them. I hope "Grateful" continues to enjoy her son and continues to share the lessons she is learning.
— Proud Dad in New Jersey
Dear Abby: My mom came out to me and my brother about five years ago. She had been with men her whole life, and while we were shocked, we understood we could react in one of two ways. We could either accept her and her girlfriend, "Daphne," or disown her and have to explain to our children why they couldn't see their "nana." We decided to accept my mother for who she is and welcome Daphne into the family.
It was one of the best choices my brother and I ever made. Daphne loves my kids and can't wait to see them (she lives in Australia) later this year. My kids call her "Nana Daph." She is the best thing that ever happened to my mom, and I'm thankful she's in our lives. I'm happy that "Grateful Mom" learned to accept and appreciate her son and his partner exactly the way they are.
— Jennifer in Indianapolis
60 Responses to “Dear Abby: lessons learned about embracing gay loved ones”
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Okay. I’m tearing up now. Bravo!
What beautiful stories for the middle of my morning. Thanks, Pam.
I read those–I did find them to be especially beautiful and moving.
I hate to confess this, but I am something of an advice column junkie. I find them endlessly fascinating - from what people write about, to what gets printed, to how the author responds, to how the readers react to the letters and responses. And one of the things I’m most interested in is how columns like Ann Landers and Dear Abby have responded to social change and have even pushed (gently) in a more progressive direction, though still within a moderate and manners-conscious and occasionally conservative framework. They’ll still tell teens that they are too young to be having sex, but they’ll also tell parents that they should be educating their teens about safer sex. As early as the 1990s, IIRC, Ann Landers was chastising readers who complained about their gay children. I think it’s fascinating (and great). And they reach a more mainstream audience than most blogs and activists ever will.
Things like this give me hope for the world.
I’m trying hard not to cry! That stuff is so sweet, thanks for posting something that breaks up the usual torrent of “god what are the jerks of the world doing now.”
With all the hatred and craziness in today’s world, it helps to have stories like this occasionally. Thank yo Pam.
That’s a terrific story! Proof that the spirit of the law (love thy neighbor as thyself) outweighs getting hung up on a couple legal tecalities, most of them dating back to the early Old Testament.
I read the first one when it was originally published, but hadn’t seen the Sep 18th follow-up…beautiful. Thanks Pam!
So I have this fleck of dust into my eye and…
Oh wait, that’s right, this is a feminist blog. I don’t need to live up to patriarchal expectations about my gender here…
So yeah, I teared up.
Thanks for the pick me up. Great post and great stories.
*sniff* Okay i am not the only one who got teary.
Awwwwwwwwwwwww. *sniff* That’s bless.
I definitely teared up at the first letter…partly thinking of how my mom’s going to react when she finds out my sister is a lesbian. I know my mom will disown my sister if/when she finds out (fortunately, my dad already knows and is very supportive…they’re divorced); i can only hold out vain* hope that she eventually comes to the same conclusion as Grateful Mom.
*I say vain, because my mom’s brother was gay, and she to this day (13 years after his death) can’t accept that. So yeah, hopes aren’t high.
On the one hand, it’s such an inspirational story. But I’m so appalled the other children actually had the gall to turn their own mother away like that. So it was a double-edged sword for me. I teared up but felt sick inside at the same time.
My 12 year old daughter told me the other day that her best friend since kindergarten recently told HER that her younger brother is gay. He’s 10 or 11 and has his first real crush on a schoolmate. He is scared to tell his parents; mom is a mouse and dad a very macho, controlling guy with our local small town fire department. They know everyone here and are “pillars of the community” types.
I’ve advised my daughter to support her friend and her brother, but keep silent, especially in school. I do so worry for when/if his parents find out.
Just goes to show how little family really matters to people who hate gays, but instead, how it’s all about being morally superior.
Family is so, so much more than making sure you fuck the right kind of person so you can make babies. It’s about love, support, and doing what you can for people close to you.
It’s rare to read something that really makes you feel some hope, but it’s welcome as well.
I feel sorry for fellow gays and lesbians who don’t enjoy the close relationship such as the one my mom and I have. She told me that she knew that I was gay before I came out to her.
We are the best of friends, and already plan to live together if my stepfather should pass away before my mom.
I know this is what you meant but …. more like “morally superior.” It’s hard for me to keep a straight face when someone tries to claim that shunning their gay brother but refusing to take in their elderly mother makes them “morally superior” in any way.
And yet there are still people out there who will try to claim that mother is going to go to Hell because she accepts her gay son and his partner rather than taking the “morally superior” route of starving in a gutter rather than let them take care of her. Assholes.
This was pretty nice with my afternoon tea, thanks…
You and me both Ms Kate
Now THAT is my idea of family values!Now,anyone remember that story about the mother of Dr. Laura Schlessinger lying dead in her appartment for days before anyone missed her?Just thought I’d throw that one in…
I second resident_alien! These are the kinds of family values that should be trumpeted (acceptance, assistance, love) not intolerance in the name of “morals”.
This made me cry! Her son and his partner sound like incredibly loving and generous people.
Her other children sound just terrible. I can’t imagine telling my sick, impoverished mother I won’t help her. Geez.
I’m always glad when advice columnists print letters like this!
This is why PFLAG always gets the biggest cheers at Pride (and why I tear up every time they walk past). I’ve got a good relationship with my parents. I’m lucky. I know too many people who’ve been rejected by their families of origin.
The world’s changing folks. There will always be awful rotten human beings who reject their kids, but it’s getting rarer.
We’re winning, and it’s because of the power of love.
That made me all warm and squishy inside. Awwww!
Coincidentally, I just came out to my father today(bi and poly), and he was completely accepting of it.
congratualations, becca!!!!!!!!!!!
(and good on your dad)
Along those lines, did anyone see this recent column?
FAMILY PHOTOS REVEAL HISTORY BROTHER-IN-LAW WANTS HIDDEN
DEAR ABBY: I’m married to a wonderful man with a big family secret. His brother “John” used to be his sister “Joanne.” This does not bother me in the least because I met John as a man, and I consider him a man 100 percent.
However, now that I am expecting, I have started putting photo albums and scrapbooks together. I want our future children to see pictures of my husband during his childhood — right along with mine — but his “sister” is in almost all of them.
I have no problems being open and honest with our children, but because my brother-in-law doesn’t know that I “know,” I want to be sensitive to his feelings and don’t want to share these albums with friends and family without having an answer to the question, “Who is that little girl in the picture?”
This is something that no one in the family discusses, and I feel I’d be overstepping if I were to call another family member for advice. My husband doesn’t know what to do, and I do not wish to strain a wonderful relationship with John, his wife and their adopted children by telling them that I know. How should I handle this? — ANONYMOUS IN ARIZONA
DEAR ANONYMOUS: Please understand, if you don’t already, that a transgendered person is someone who has been born in a body of the wrong sex. In other words, your brother-in-law was always a boy, but trapped in a female body.
My advice is to continue assembling the albums, and if anyone asks about the “little girl” in the pictures, to relax and tell the person, “That’s Uncle John when he was young. He may have looked like a girl then, but it really was Uncle John.” Then turn the page and change the subject.
Zippy, the only thing I would have liked to see her add to that response was to say that, if John was willing, she should discuss transsexualism with her children when they were old enough, but other than that it was spot-on.
Her other children sound just terrible. I can’t imagine telling my sick, impoverished mother I won’t help her. Geez.
I wouldn’t be so quick to judge. They might have several children each in three-bedroom houses and simply not have the kind of space for her that both she needed and their marriages needed. There are a lot of reasons why her proposed arrangement might not have worked that are far less than selfish.
The dewy-eyed persons above speak to my condition.
Wow, that’s an amazing story. Thanks for sharing that.
Big time congrats and hugs, becca! So happy for you!
I wouldn’t be so quick to judge. They might have several children each in three-bedroom houses and simply not have the kind of space for her that both she needed and their marriages needed. There are a lot of reasons why her proposed arrangement might not have worked that are far less than selfish.
They “married well” supposedly. At any rate, when your mother is sick and can’t afford somewhere to live, you make something work.
Dear Abby’s exceptionally progressive stance on most social issues never fails to amaze me and warm my heart, especially since her most rabid readers are in their golden years, so to speak. I’m hoping that the tolerance displayed in her columns rubs off on her more conservative readership.
I have to agree that while this column warms even my tiny, black heart, I am not so quick to judge the three children of Grateful Mom who refused to take her in. For one thing, she abandoned her child for years, so she might be an unpleasant person. For another thing, I don’t agree that it is necessary to take your parents when they get old- sometimes, your life circumstances prevent it.
“They “married well” supposedly. At any rate, when your mother is sick and can’t afford somewhere to live, you make something work. ”
But we don’t really know what their relationship was like with the mother from their side. While she may not have rejected them outright since they are straight, it doesn’t mean they had a healthy relationship either.
My own mother and I have a very strained relationship. She’s very morally conservative, racist, homophobic, and has always been cold, insulting, mean and distant. We have as decent relationship as possible now that I live 3000 miles away. But a big part of our being civil and at times warm to each other is that we are together minimally. There is NO possible way we could get along if we even saw each other on a daily basis let alone lived together. I would try to help out financially as much as possible, but I have very limited funds. We don’t really know the financial abilities of her children or the family dynamic.
My main point is, we always hear about how horrible and selfish adult childrenn are for not helping or visiting their elderly parents more, but there are times when this is justified or at least understandable.
The letter mentioned first included compelling facts told as an moving story. This should be a lesson to progressive activists. Wonkishness isn’t enough.
I just hope reality combined with the AWOL Rapture will calm down the religious extremists a bit.
Very moving. The story reminds me of King Lear, but with a happy ending.
My main point is, we always hear about how horrible and selfish adult childrenn are for not helping or visiting their elderly parents more, but there are times when this is justified or at least understandable.
From the letter, though, it seems they did not offer her any assistance at all. Surely, between the three of them, they could have done something; a small apartment near one of them, etc.
The letter doesn’t say that the three children didn’t offer their mother any assistance such as getting her into some sort of retirement community. It said that they couldn’t take her in for four months per year. My grandfather was abusive to his family for decades, and after my grandmother died, lobbied to be able to move in with my parents. He cried and tried every manipulative tactic he could come up with, but my parents stood firm. All three of his children ran away or married as teenagers to escape the family home. In the last years of his life, they were willing to help their father with shopping, trips to the doctor, getting him into assisted living, and anything else he needed, but they were not going to let him take over their home lives. They created families free of the abuse they grew up with. I do not know the whole story of the other three children, but I cannot judge them for not being taking in their mother, whether that is because they are unwilling, unable, or have not yet been able to forgive for the past.
This is such a positive story and makes me have some hope that we can have equality for all.
BTW, Pam, did you hear about the Mayor of San Diego. another revelation!
For more tearing up check out my city’s mayor on YouTube switching his stance on gay marriage and declaring his love for the gay and lesbian people in his life.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=AS4fED1EyvY
Becca, congrats, and good on your parent.
This one definitely got to me too. When my father had a heart attack a few years ago, the first people in my family that stepped up to help my mom out and be there for her were my cousin and his partner. Not her own sister, my aunt, who is quite wealthy and could easily lend a hand. Even though my mom was caring for both my father and my grandmother (who’d begun showing signs of dementia around the same time), they were the only ones besides me who cared. They visited every weekend, driving all the way out from NYC to eastern Long Island. They made sure that she remembered doctor appointments, physical therapy sessions, prescription pickups. My aunt didn’t make a showing until my father was buried last year and then it was the usual condolences song-and-dance before a quick departure.
This is the reason I get enraged over the marriage issue. My cousin has been with his partner as long as I can remember, probably since I was about 15. I’m 36 now, so they’ve been together for over half my life. That is not a worthless relationship, they are not worthless people and I give no quarter to anyone who suggests either.
It’s also possible - “Grateful Mom” only mentions that she rejected her son and his partner completely - that the other siblings were in close touch with son and partner, had a family discussion about who would be the best able to take in “Grateful Mom”, and the offer from the gay son was a family decision.
(Which would mean the rejection from the other three siblings was a piece of hurtful intra-family manipulation that I would ordinarily condemn - but on the other hand? It made sure “Grateful Mom” accepted a place in the household best able to take her in, and it ended the hurtful years of rejection that “Grateful Mom” had instigated. If that’s what happened, it is exactly what “Grateful Mom” deserved…
Sorry to rain on the parade, but this story seems to me to be too sweet and sentimental to be entirely true.
Don’t these “agony aunts” as the Brits say sometimes write or have their writers make up things to address issues they are interested in?
If that is the case here, it is still a good article trying to make a point and could have happened. But I wish readers would have a bit more critical distance.
bernarda -
I’d say it says a lot more about you that your automatic assumption is that this is fake, than those who see this as sweet and true.
I mean, I’m a right old sarcastic cynic and sceptic, and even I tend to take this as true.
but this story seems to me to be too sweet and sentimental to be entirely true.
I’d feel a lot more confident that it was a true story if so much of it hadn’t been borrowed from King Lear
Sorry but no, it may be presumed that one owes one’s life to one’s mother and therefore ought to be at least a little bit grateful. You don’t have to be grateful for how she might have treated you, and you don’t even have to like her, but if it’s take her in or watch her starve and be homeless–or wind up in a seriously crappy nursing home–you take her in. You find a way. Period.
My mother lost custody of me in the 1970s in a Southern state. Yes, it was that bad. To this day the woman is not right in the head, and has managed to alienate both her parents and her kids. She lied to her older son about his origins his entire life and he had to find out the guy that he believed was his biological father wasn’t, when his actual biodad died. Yet she insists she’s done nothing to her kids and doesn’t understand why the older son is less than polite to her.
And yet I would take her in if I had to, I’d give her a place to stay and I’d just figure it out. There are some things you just do. I wouldn’t let my kids starve, either–frankly, if they were so badly behaved that I had to kick them out they would probably be breaking the law too, and the logical outcome of that is they go to jail. I wouldn’t do anything to keep them from going to jail if they deserved to go, but nobody deserves to be homeless.
We wouldn’t need homeless shelters and the like if people would fulfill their familial obligations.
Having one’s mother live out her golden years in one’s home is a tough thing to do, even under good circumstances. My parents lived with my maternal grandmother for a couple of years after they married, and then, upon buying their first home, she sold her home and moved in with them.
She lived with my parents for over 25 years, and while she was tremendously helpful with helping my mom manage the needs of us five kids, she could be a mean and judgmental person. She openly derided my father to us children, for example, telling us how he wasn’t good enough for our mother.
When my mom, after about 20 years, asked that she spend a few months with my uncle (a man whom my grandmother made clear to my mom always made better decisions that she did), my grandmother was manipulative and talked about how pushing her out like that was just like shooting her, etc. And, of course, after she spent a couple of months there, she was welcomed back to our home as she’d always been. After that short break, she stayed with us until she was too ill to do so, at which point she moved to a hospice and passed away.
Point being, it was tough sometimes having my grandmother live with us, and she and my mother were very close. I can’t imagine what it would be like for children who had a strained relationship, and I can’t blame kids who feel like it’s too much to share their home with one or more parents.
I’m happy for Grateful Mom, I’m touched by the kindness of her wonderful son and his partner, and I’m happy that such kindness was repaid with long overdue kindness as well. It’s nice to see a happy ending, and if it makes more older people see their gay children in a kinder way (even for a self-serving reason), then I’m happy to see this letter. I was sad to see the way she started her letter (three of her kids married well and the other turned out gay, meaning that he turned out poorly? Yeesh. Why do I feel like she still hasn’t gotten all the way to acceptance?), but the ending was touching nonetheless.
I’ve got a friend who’s going through some issues with his mother. She wants him to keep the fact that he’s gay from his father for the rest of his life. She wants him to go to church and find a minister to help him not be gay.
She may have “given him life” but the conditional love she’s demonstrating isn’t worth it. If I were him, honestly, I’d cut her out. I’m not going to tell him to do that; it’s his decision. Reconciliation may be possible, but it’s her responsibility. If she ain’t willing, good bye.
I’m trying not to cry, too. Dear Abby has a wonderful, wonderful writing staff!
this story seems to me to be too sweet and sentimental to be entirely true.
It also has that chicken-soup-for-the-soul sickliness with the hateful straight children (who, as people have pointed out, conveniently offer their mother nothing in lieu of housing room). I have no problem thinking this story is true, but it gives me the same bad taste in my mouth that I get from reading glurge email forwards.
Dana - I would not let my mother starve on the street (fortunately, I’m a heck of a lot more likely to end up homeless than she is). However, I would not let her live with me, no matter what I had to do to avoid it. If it meant handing my house over to her and moving in with a friend, I would do that rather than live with her.
This isn’t animosity, I have about the best relationship with my mother of any of my siblings. It’s about sheer survival. My mother, when in close proximity for more than a few days, drives me insane. The last time we lived under the same roof for a few weeks nearly landed me in the hospital. My blood pressure went from 120/70 to 210/105 - and I was pregnant! Not pre-eclampsia either, within three days of moving out, my blood pressure was back to normal. Living with her would put me at serious risk for a stroke.
So - obligation to see that parents aren’t starving or neglected, yes. Obligation to live with them no matter what - no. I have an obligation to myself and my children, not just to my mother.
Thank you for posting this, Pam. As someone who is recovering from homophobia (I was once very anti-gay… I am working hard to get rid of my holier-than-thou-ness), stories like this really inspire me.
Dana: Sorry but no, it may be presumed that one owes one’s life to one’s mother and therefore ought to be at least a little bit grateful. You don’t have to be grateful for how she might have treated you, and you don’t even have to like her, but if it’s take her in or watch her starve and be homeless–or wind up in a seriously crappy nursing home–you take her in. You find a way. Period.
See my theory above: the four kids had discussed which of them was best able to take their mom in, but in order to get mom to agree to live with the gay son she’d rejected for so many years, the three straight kids had to specifically reject their mom first. Obviously Grateful Mom wasn’t let in on her children’s discussions, but when parents reject one of their children, they should expect that - if their children have any sense of family at all - that their children will simply exclude their parents from family discussions.
I disagree with the not needing homeless shelters if everyone did their “Familiar duty”. SOme people don’t have families, some people don’t have the means, and other yet won’t. We have a community responsibility that extends beyond familiar.
King Lear with a happy ending.