I’m just saying that, if it wasn’t clear why, at a particular moment, you were telling someone you were gay, he might not know if you were “coming out or coming on,” in MAJeff’s very helpful expression. In your case it was crystal clear.

But imagine if you were an out gay, over at a straight woman friend’s place, playing xbox360, just the two of you, when suddenly you drop your controller, look deep into her eyes, and say, “You know, Rachel, I’m starting to think that I’m bi.” She might well wonder if you were coming out or coming on.

Even if he said I’d never want to go back to women again?

That’s not coming out, that’s coming on. Different thigns.

What’s really creepy is that we live in a society where we tend to assume that intimacy=sexual come-on.

IBTP!

Even if he said I’d never want to go back to women again?

Thanks, I see now. Yes, his reaction was completely uncalled for. He brought up the subject; you didn’t. You were not making an issue of your sexuality, you simply wanted him to know not to waste his time finding chicks for you. He could have been justifiably startled, but had no reason to expect you to be hitting on him.

You should have said, “Don’t flatter yourself, pal.”

Dude, if somebody got me alone at my house and started talking about his sexuality I would figure it was because he wanted to start getting sexual with me. (”Why is he bringing this up, now, when we’re alone?”) A polite, “Thanks, but I’m not interested,” would not even be pre-emptive.

No, the Thanks but not interested would be presumptious and homophobic.

Dude, if somebody got me alone at my house and started talking about his sexuality I would figure it was because he wanted to start getting sexual with me. (”Why is he bringing this up, now, when we’re alone?”) A polite, “Thanks, but I’m not interested,” would not even be pre-emptive.

Since I didn’t fill in any details, there’s a lot of ways you could have chosen to interpret the story.

Relevant facts: he invited me over, just me that night, as was not uncommon for us. We were probably going to drink his sister’s beer and watch metal videos, or something like that; I forget. We were talking about a concert we were planning to go to in a few weeks, when he brought up a girl in his neighborhood who was interested in me and told me I should buy her a ticket and try to get her to spend the night after the concert. That’s when I decided it’s “as good a time as any” to explain why I wasn’t very excited about that plan.

But really, your reaction is probably an overreaction, especially if it’s a good friend, who might be talking to you alone because he trusts you and he doesn’t know who else to discuss this with. That’s doubly likely if you’re all still in high school. Anyone who you give a “preemptive” turn down to would be right to be offended at your presumptuousness. It’s not all about you.

Dude, if somebody got me alone at my house and started talking about his sexuality I would figure it was because he wanted to start getting sexual with me. (”Why is he bringing this up, now, when we’re alone?”) A polite, “Thanks, but I’m not interested,” would not even be pre-emptive.