Actually, the point you made was that you do not believe your daughter has a right to her own surname, and that you wouldn’t marry a woman who believed she had the right to her own surname, either.

My daughter and I enjoy profound respect for one another. Rank speculation otherwise says more about the speculator than it does about my family. While I appreciate a good non sequitur as well as anyone, how Jesurgislac inferred that I “despise her so much [I] consider her unfit to retain her own surname on marriage” goes beyond the pale. Indeed, that lack of logic is just pure-ass dumb.

Rubbish. You said you would, if asked, advise her against marrying a man unless she was prepared to change her surname to his. There are so many levels of disrespect involved in that, but you outline a couple of them below:

My hope is that she will marry someone whose name she will wear proudly

So you feel that her own surname isn’t one she can wear proudly. As you evidently feel the lack is not in the surname (as I suspect hers is the same as yours) that means you think the lack is in your daughter: she’s not able to wear her own surname proudly.

My own opinion is that a wife’s refusal to change name may portend a less-than-complete committment to the marriage.

So a woman is required to give complete committment to the marriage by changing her surname, but men need not commit themselves completely to the marriage by changing theirs? That again suggests that you don’t respect your daughter’s ability to commit to a marriage, or any woman’s ability to commit to a marriage - or else that you have the standard patriarchal double-thinking: men get to regard a marriage committment as something women make to them, rather than vice versa.

No, no… wait. I don’t wonder at all. I already know. Patriarchal privilege all the way.

A man who wants to brand HIS wife is simply not as committed to an equal union as he might otherwise suggest.

My daughter and I enjoy profound respect for one another. Rank speculation otherwise says more about the speculator than it does about my family. While I appreciate a good non sequitur as well as anyone, how Jesurgislac inferred that I “despise her so much [I] consider her unfit to retain her own surname on marriage” goes beyond the pale. Indeed, that lack of logic is just pure-ass dumb.

Of course I will support my daughter’s decision to marry or not to marry. Likewise, I will support her decision to retain or to change her surname upon marriage, if she chooses to marry. My hope is that she will marry someone whose name she will wear proudly, and that he will be a good man who is worthy of her companionship. I am confident that she will make good decisions, whether she does or does not choose to seek my counsel.

My own opinion is that a wife’s refusal to change name may portend a less-than-complete committment to the marriage. On this topic, however, opinions are like assholes–everyone has (at least) one, and it is unwise to offer one’s opinion or one’s asshole casually.

But the point stands.

Personally, I think the friends and loved ones and communities and all the people who have fucking died of AIDS already have come together and decided what’s right for them and what actions have been taken. How exactly can you pretend like there’s no social mandate for AIDS prevention ??

To be fair to John, he did say he’d only voice his disrespect for his daughter’s right to her own name if she asked him. And to be fair to John’s daughter, she probably knows her father’s opinions on women with self-respect already and won’t ever give him the opportunity to voice them to her.

Supporting her decision - ah well, that’s another matter. IME, patriarchal fathers can go either way - “He’s a good man, how dare you not want to subsume your identity into his!” or “Hey, she’s my daughter, no wonder she’s headstrong and stubborn!” When adult children do things their parents don’t approve of - retaining their own surname, transmitting their own surname to their kids, adopting kids instead of bearing them - the best some parents seem to manage is tolerance rather than active support, and they seem to think that even tolerance is a big deal.

John, would you be respectful of your DAUGHTER’S choice regarding her name, or would you voice your opposition if her choice went against your views?

Theoreticals on the internet are one thing- when it’s your OWN KID, it’s very personal indeed. I’m a very protective parent, but mine are still only 12 and 9. Yet there is no choice they could make in regards to a married name choice that I would have an opinion upon. They could call themselves “Axelgrease-Smythe” for all I care.

(With all apologies to all of the Axelgrease-Smythes in the world…)

They will be adults- and it will be their choice. In a real world scenario, wouldn’t you agree with supporting your daughter’s decision? Or would you really wish to risk hurting and alienating her over this?

Your post was a celebration of your patriarchal privilege. Hooray for you.

My response was vile? Wah.

I am now choosing to run, not walk, away from further interaction from you.