Sorry, but someone had to say it.

Ahem.

Cassie, I know your motives were positive. And I hope that all the geeky tomboys and artsy boys, gay, straight, transgendered or not, have people who care enough to get angry when the think they aren’t hearing other possible options. Thanks for caring.

This isn’t really some random youngster. If someone told me exactly the same story you did about a teeneager in, say, their little sister’s high school class, I would be somewhat more sympathetic to your point. Statistically, it is far more likely that any given geeky teenager is straight than gay, and even more statistically likely that they are not transgendered.

Even then, I would be sympathetic pretty much only to the idea of making sure that the teen was supported in being non-standard, and wasn’t only being given the option of being a Barbie clone or a transgendered person. And even then, it would be dependent on my knowing more about the family and how rigidly they perpetuated other sorts of stereotypes.

I still wouldn’t declare that it was wrong to tell her she might be right in her own interpretation of her gender, that should shouldn’t get any support to help her sort it out, and that going to an expensive school and dating geeky guys would automatically get her past it all.

But on top of all those considerations, this is is a teen who has sought support from a nationally known expert and advocate on, let’s say, non-standard sexuality. Those statistical percentages shoot right out the window. The question shifts from “What are the chances that some kid in my sister’s class is transgendered” to “What are the chances that someone writing to Dan Savage is transgendered?”

It doesn’t, of course mean that she automatically is or isn’t anything, but it sure raises the percentages.

I’m somewhat reminded of all the people who, having been told that I am a gay man who was raised Catholic, took the faith very seriously, and after decades of struggle finally left the church because I found it incompatible with my own faith and personal reality, responded with “Have you read Leviticus?”

I find it pretty inconcievable that a young person who describes a lifetime of hanging out with the boys, a boyish personal presentation, a self identity as male, and a supportive family and friends has never been presented with the idea that it’s okay to be a tomboy. I bet Dan Savage did, too, and gave her the credit for being at least that aware of the world around her, and therefore, gave her the part of her answer that she specifically asked him for, trusting her to work out for herself, once she had access to the support and information, whether it actually applied to her.

In short, he treated her like a real person, with a brain and a genuine question, one whose experience and identity actually matters.

I think he did exactly the right thing.

If it turns out that she isn’t transgendered, it seems to me that the most likely consequence is that she will figure that out and become comfortable with who she is, but in the meantime have gotten to know some pretty amazing non-standard people, and end up living in a bigger wider world as a result.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/timtimes/1277152453/

Worksafe and totally hilarious.

Enjoy.

I think you might well be right. I am not against her seeking advice from the transgender community. What I object to is that in Dan’s response, there was no mention of “you might be a normal female in a f*ed up society”, and I’m sorry, but telling someone it’s too early for a boob job is not the same as telling them that there might be no need for the boob job if the problem is in the eye of the onlookers rather than the one with the boobs!

To compare the situation with that of a gay person coming out: you knew you were attracted to other boys. Other people tried to confuse you, but you had internal unity.

This girl feels that her intellectual interests and behavior are incompatible with a vagina. That’s a big distinction, and it doesn’t scream transgender to me. If she said: “I feel like a boy, I hate my female body” that would be WAY different. What she is saying is: “my female body gets in the way of my relation with my friends and my ability to pursue the activities I enjoy. I wish it would go away.” She doesn’t hate her body: she hates the social consequences of her body. Big, big distinction. At least to me.

Again, I am not saying she is not transgender, that’s for her to figure out, and I’m glad we live in a society that’s making some strides in accepting that. But in this case, it sounds much more like plain old sexism making one teen girl miserable with herself.

I don’t know anything about the organization that Dan Savage referred her to, but isn’t it reasonable to expect that and organization that supports people with counseling and support for exploring gender issues might consider the possibility that she isn’t transgendered? Or provide some great support on how to own her birth gender but be okay being non-stereotypical if that is her case?

In her letter she was quite clear that she considered herself to be so. All the indications were that the people around her, Dan, and the referral organization were in agreement that it was far too soon to do anything surgical or irreversible.

Her whole world is going to tell her “you’re just a tomboy, you’re a geek, but you’re really a girl, and you’ll grow out of this boy thing” — there is no possibility she will not get that message and hear it as an option. If she herself is so clear on her own gender, shouldn’t she have the opportunity to hear voices that acknowledge the possibility she is right?

I know you are projecting your own situation onto her letter, and so am I. The projection I put on it is hearing you telling all the people in my life as a gay teen going through hell to tell me that I wasn’t gay, just artistic and intellectual, and that it would be utterly wrong to tell me that actually being gay was a possibility I should be supported in exploring.

And that would have been deeply wrong, even coming from some straight man who had been an artistic and somewhat effeminate boy who “grew out of it” in college.

Her world is full of people telling her to ignore her own reality and embrace theirs. I hear you adding another voice to the crowd telling her she cannot trust herself, and I think that is a disservice. Your letter to Dan Savage gives her no more room for her own truth than the voices of the patriarchy do - it is just a truth you prefer to have imposed on her over theirs. Is that really what you meant?

Shouldn’t you instead be cheering on the people who are giving her options?

Maybe she is transgender, but the possibility that she is not was never mentioned by D. Savage or his expert.

Show me an awkward teen-ager who DOES like her body and breasts: it’s not so strange to prefer to be a boy! They’re the norm, after all, right? Heck, I’m still not comfortable with my breasts, and they’re run of the mill B cup, and I am definitely an average straight woman (now in my 30s).

The part of her letter that really struck alarm bells for me was the part of not having the same mentality as her vagina. Why can’t a vagina go along with a mentality which prefers to wear boys clothes and be geeky and like video games? It’s much more likely that her problem is not with her vagina or her mentality, but with a society that tells her that one cannot go with the other.