Having a paraphilia isn’t about feeling entitled, or wanting to “spice up” sex just a little bit. It’s about having an additional requirement to be sexually satisfied.

Imagine your partner having an aversion to clitorises. Sure, you basically can’t have a satisfying sex life without stimulation of the clitoris, but your partner says “sorry, I just can’t touch your clitoris. I’m made uncomfortable by clitorises.” In the meantime, you’re frustrated and unfulfilled after every sexual encounter.

Are you really telling me that your partner isn’t under any particular obligation, if he or she wants to remain in a relationship with you, to get over his or her problem with clits? That you really have no right at all to say “look, I’m going to need you to do these things, or it’s over for us?”

I think that part of being in a relationship is paying attention to the needs of the other person. I don’t see why sexual needs are exempt. Certainly you can’t be forced to meet those needs, but being in a relationship is voluntary on both sides (if not, it’s abusive, obviously) and people should either hold their nose and meet the needs of their partner, or bow out if they just can’t do that.

I don’t see Savage saying anything but that. The people who write to him seem to get the funny idea that their partner’s fetish will wither and die if they just keep ignoring it - you seem to have the same idea - and the exact reverse is true. We’re not talking about pie-in-the-sky fantasies; we’re talking about people who have a sort of extra mental clitoris that needs stimulation just like a regular one does. And not meeting that need should be treated just like any other failure of someone to meet their partner’s needs - by evaluating the benefits of the relationship versus the pain in the ass of dealing with the other’s malfunction.

I’m sorry if that feels like pressure to you. It actually is pressure - the pressure to act like a caring human being when you’re in a relationship.

If I were giving sex/dating advice to other young women or lgbt folks, particularly abuse survivors, I would stress the awareness/ability to communicate one’s comfort level to partners rather than the “GGG” approach.

If I were giving sex/dating advice to other young women or lgbt folks, particularly abuse survivors, I would stress the awareness/ability to communicate one’s comfort level to partners rather than the “GGG” approach.

Yeah, but it’s also ok for people to break up with you over your refusal.

That’s what Dan’s saying. You don’t get veto power over your partner’s desires. You get veto power over your own sexual actions, of course, but you don’t get to pre-empt the choices other people are going to make in response, like “you’re not able to provide everything I need in a relationship.” And you know what? They get to do that. People need to make value judgements about whether or not someone’s company is worth dealing with their negatives, and that includes sexual proclivities you may find distasteful.

But, I guess if you’re determined to inspect every aspect of his discourse for something to construe as anti-feminist, I can see how you’d come to your conclusion. On the other hand, if you’re interested in reading what people are actually writing and taking it in the context of things they’ve said before, you should really be arriving at a different conclusion.

Yeah, sure, I’ve heard that before. It starts off with “I love you” and “You can tell me anything”, and always always winds up with “I’m calling the police, you sicko”.

Simple. Sleep only with men married to other men!

Except that would make YOU a republcan.

The scene: May 17, 2004. Me sitting in my apt watching NECN’s coverage of the first day of marriage equality in MA.

The reporter starts to interview a couple who had married that morning in P-Town. I think to myself, “Hey, they look familiar. Wait a minute, I slept with them!”

They even sent me a nice christmas card the first year I’d moved back to MN (2001?)

Do you think you could get one of those spamulators that requires addition or subtraction of small numbers to pass muster? It would have the added bonus effect of keeping out the ffar ffir.

I’m an openly gay man who doesn’t cruise restrooms for sex. What other options are available to me to avoid having sex with Republican men?

Simple. Sleep only with men married to other men!

Except that would make YOU a republcan.

I promise complete privacy. I will know your name but will never reveal it to anyone, not even Punkass Marc. Just the question with a pseudonym. So use your real email. I promise complete discretion.

You sure about that?