I’m working on a project right now that I’ll be unveiling next week, but in the meantime, I have a request. A lot of people have sent emails over the years asking if Pandagon could have some sort of sex/dating advice column from a feminist, pro-choice perspective. I’ve liked the idea but never have bothered to get it up and running. Now I think I might be able to do something like that in a modified form.
So, dear readers, I ask of you this: Please send me your questions on sex and dating. I can’t promise I’ll get to all of them, but hopefully I’ll be able to address some shortly. Please include a pseudonym that’s different than the one you comment with for real anonymity.
31 Responses to “Mailbag request”
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But I have a million questions I have always wanted to ask an openly avowed feminist who is in a successful relationship with a guy who is also feminist and who is very comfortable with the many faces and manifestations of sex and sexuality. Seriously, dammit, I do, because I don’t actually personally in my real non-internet life know anybody like that; I’m the closest I come and I still fall woefully short of what I consider to be certain benchmarks. So how many do I get to send a week??
Dear Amanda: can you tell me how to deal with a young man who answers my personal ad because he is looking for a cougar?
As many as you want, Lisa. I give good advice, even if I’m occasionally bad at taking my. own. damn. advice.
Amanda,
I’m an openly gay man who doesn’t cruise restrooms for sex. What other options are available to me to avoid having sex with Republican men?
Avoid anyone that describes your antagonism towards conservative politics as “intolerant” or “bigoted”.
Hey Amanda,
I’ve recently become an avid lurker, but as an occasional sexblog writer I had to speak up. The site is called Sex Calumny, and it’s more like a rotating panel than a single-voiced column. (We started doing it because we loved reading sex columns and almost never found them complete - 3 or 4 people might have a better shot.) It’s sort of naturally progressive and feminist because most of the acquaintances who founded it are, but there’s enough of a range of personal philosophies to encourage some discussion… so if you get very busy with your new project, feel free to send your mailbag over. ; )
I don’t have any questions, just wanted to say that I would find such a column interesting and I would read it!
Also, may I say that I HATE the anti-spam measure; I know it is needed, but DAMN, it is unfair to people with crummy eyesight and/or small monitors. It always has these things that look like sixes but they are actually eights or zeros. Bottom line: all the round numbers look alike
Speaking of pro-feminist sex advice and its opposite, have you seen Danny-Boy’s latest column? In the first letter, a woman writes in to explain to Danny that too many straight men are interpreting “good, giving, and game” as “I’m entitled to whatever I want, when I want it.”
Danny’s reply is that men have to be “GGG” too…completely missing the point that it’s okay to refuse to have certain kinds of sex, whether or not your partner thinks such kinds of sex are “reasonable.” Observe the condescending note on which he ends his reply.
Schmuck.
Okay, here’s my problem: I’m a really nice guy, but it seems like the women of the world actually hate nice guys and they’re only interested in total assholes.
So my question is this: Should I become a total asshole in order to make women like me?
Kidding! Kidding, I kid the feminist website…
Just wanted to say that the column is a GREAT idea, especially for us guys who might want to know stuff from a feminine perception so we can avoid being ignorantly sexist.
I’m working on a project right now that I’ll be unveiling next week, but in the meantime, I have a request. A lot of people have sent emails over the years asking if Pandagon could have some sort of sex/dating advice column from a feminist, pro-choice perspective.
Yeah, date Hannibal Lecter. He’s definitely “Pro-choice” …
OK, here’s a dumbass question, which i ask because it’s late and i’m tired and can’t read…When you say “please include a pseudonym…”, you mean don’t even let you know who we are, right?
Because both my e-mail addresses have my actual name on the “from” thing, and i don’t really want to create a new one just for this. But obviously, i have a question for the column.
This advice column sounds great, just what we guys need! I’ve got so many questions, I don’t know how to decide which to go first, but maybe, umm, okay, ha ha, this may sound a bit strange but my girlfriend fancies Richard Madeley, you know that guy from TV, and I to be honest I feel a bit jealous, she keeps going on about how smooth he is, why can’t I be like Richard (or ‘Dick’ as she calls him), why can’t I know everything like Richard, etc. Then she went to a MALE strip show! Can you believe that? The stripper wasn’t Richard Madeley, though, he was Welsh, but still. Do you think I should say anything, or just put up with it?
Cheers,
Doberberry
I too would like to know more about the pseudonym policy. I normally use my name on the Net openly, partially because I’m too lazy to make up clever handles and then keep track of which one I am using where with what password, if any. And partially because I like to think I can be totally honest and open about anything I’ve ever done, on any subject. (I am more discreet with what other people tell me and I make efforts to obscure their identities when I refer to them at all).
So I figure that even if I take steps to muddy up clues as to who I am, it will be obvious from my style anyway, and so if your request for pseudonymity is purely about us protecting ourselves from embarrassment or worse, I’d like to waive that protection re myself. It would just be easier for me.
However I wonder if there is some other reason I’m not considering. For instance, is it unfair to the majority of people who have excellent reasons to prefer anonymity in some matters, for me to take advantage of what might very well be a form of male privilege? To be sure, I am “protected” as much by the fact that, living like this all along, I’m on the bottom of the social rungs or anyway pretty near them, and don’t have a lot to lose–certainly there isn’t anyone else close enough to me at the moment to get caught in crossfire; I have no hostages to fortune, not even pets. But I’ve always been able to go into places other people have good reason to fear going, unconcerned, even generally ignorant at the time that others worried about, and I guess that’s largely male privilege.
Still, I’d like to waive anonymity in my case if I may. I can make up some clever name or other if you, Amanda, would like to cite something by me but for any reason don’t want to use my name. But I’d rather not have to.
PS–you know what I hate about the anti-spam thing, aside from the fact that sometimes I too am using bad screens that make the numbers hard to read (and by the way, this is an access issue for people with vision impairments too)? If you don’t comment real soon after the page loads, the numbers become invalid anyway. On some browsers, at least your comment is saved so you can try again, with new numbers. But here at work, they don’t. Until today, I saw the numbers only on other computers but now they are here too.
If we log in, can we avoid this?
Then again, comments of the lengths I am wont to make might be considered “spam” in themselves, I guess.
I would imagine. I comment from home on firefox (and logged in) and I have never even seen the anti-spam measures that everyone has complained about. However, since pandagon is blocked at work anyway (I sub and the public schools block everything), I don’t know how IE reacts.
Such stress about anonymity. I am unafraid. Because I have no life. How can you kill that which has no life? I am so kidding, but I’m not sure Amanda was suggesting that you create an entire new email account so that *she* won’t know who you are; I think this was more a suggestion about what moniker you chose to use at the close of your email that she could slap it onto your question before posting it publicly. But I could be wrong. I hope I’m not though because I am way too lazy to create a whole new email, I wanna use my usual one.
Wow, I actually was thinking of asking for this exact thing. I guess I wasn’t alone!
However I wonder if there is some other reason I’m not considering.
Yes. Consider the benefits of keeping casual political and social argument on the Net seperate from anything written under your real name which might be associated with your professional persona.
It would be a fairly simple matter to discover who I am, and I am not terribly worried about the prospect of someone tracking me down to my “real” identity if they wanted to. However, I’d like my comments here to stand outside whatever comments may make their way onto the Net in a professional capacity, since it allows me the freedom to express myself.
Incidentally, I suspect some of my posts simply haven’t been getting through recently. If I’ve been banned, it would be nice if someone told me.
NiP, I think his point—and I agree—is that it’s best to use the Golden Rule in bed. He is condescending about it. But the general point, that sex is better with a can-do-it attitude for both parties, is not something I’m eager to come out against you’ll find.
OK, here’s a dumbass question, which i ask because it’s late and i’m tired and can’t read…When you say “please include a pseudonym…”, you mean don’t even let you know who we are, right?
I promise complete privacy. I will know your name but will never reveal it to anyone, not even Punkass Marc. Just the question with a pseudonym. So use your real email. I promise complete discretion.
You sure about that?
Damn. That last comment was supposed to be signed “China” but failed.
Amanda,
I’m an openly gay man who doesn’t cruise restrooms for sex. What other options are available to me to avoid having sex with Republican men?
Simple. Sleep only with men married to other men!
Except that would make YOU a republcan.
I have trouble deciphering squiggles, but I love numbers and can add really well.
Do you think you could get one of those spamulators that requires addition or subtraction of small numbers to pass muster? It would have the added bonus effect of keeping out the ffar ffir.
The scene: May 17, 2004. Me sitting in my apt watching NECN’s coverage of the first day of marriage equality in MA.
The reporter starts to interview a couple who had married that morning in P-Town. I think to myself, “Hey, they look familiar. Wait a minute, I slept with them!”
They even sent me a nice christmas card the first year I’d moved back to MN (2001?)
I promise complete privacy.
Yeah, sure, I’ve heard that before. It starts off with “I love you” and “You can tell me anything”, and always always winds up with “I’m calling the police, you sicko”.
Danny’s reply is that men have to be “GGG” too…completely missing the point that it’s okay to refuse to have certain kinds of sex, whether or not your partner thinks such kinds of sex are “reasonable.”
Yeah, but it’s also ok for people to break up with you over your refusal.
That’s what Dan’s saying. You don’t get veto power over your partner’s desires. You get veto power over your own sexual actions, of course, but you don’t get to pre-empt the choices other people are going to make in response, like “you’re not able to provide everything I need in a relationship.” And you know what? They get to do that. People need to make value judgements about whether or not someone’s company is worth dealing with their negatives, and that includes sexual proclivities you may find distasteful.
But, I guess if you’re determined to inspect every aspect of his discourse for something to construe as anti-feminist, I can see how you’d come to your conclusion. On the other hand, if you’re interested in reading what people are actually writing and taking it in the context of things they’ve said before, you should really be arriving at a different conclusion.
Like many women, I have sexual boundary issues that I have been working on my entire life. I was always taught, by women’s and lgbt counselors, sex educators, mental health professionals, and many (sex positive) feminists that nobody should feel pressured or obliged to perform a sexual act he or she is not comfortable with. Period. Due to a history of sexual abuse, there are certain things that I cannot do in bed without feeling triggered or having flashbacks. I imagine this is a fairly typical problem. I also know that any partner (of any gender) who truly respects and cares about me will not feel entitled to activities which cause me psychological trauma. I don’t think Dan’s advice is particularly sexist, since it applies to everyone, however, I do think it is a pretty unhealthy theory in general because it may discourage people from setting personal boundaries and asserting themselves in the interest of pleasing their partners.
If I were giving sex/dating advice to other young women or lgbt folks, particularly abuse survivors, I would stress the awareness/ability to communicate one’s comfort level to partners rather than the “GGG” approach.
Like many women, I have sexual boundary issues that I have been working on my entire life. I was always taught, by women’s and lgbt counselors, sex educators, mental health professionals, and many (sex positive) feminists that nobody should feel pressured or obliged to perform a sexual act he or she is not comfortable with. Period. Due to a history of sexual abuse, there are certain things that I cannot do in bed without feeling triggered or having flashbacks. I imagine this is a fairly typical problem. I also know that any partner (of any gender) who truly respects and cares about me will not feel entitled to activities which cause me psychological trauma. I don’t think Dan’s advice is particularly sexist, since it applies to everyone, however, I do think it is a pretty unhealthy theory in general because it may discourage people from setting personal boundaries and asserting themselves in the interest of pleasing their partners.
If I were giving sex/dating advice to other young women or lgbt folks, particularly abuse survivors, I would stress the awareness/ability to communicate one’s comfort level to partners rather than the “GGG” approach.
I also know that any partner (of any gender) who truly respects and cares about me will not feel entitled to activities which cause me psychological trauma.
Having a paraphilia isn’t about feeling entitled, or wanting to “spice up” sex just a little bit. It’s about having an additional requirement to be sexually satisfied.
Imagine your partner having an aversion to clitorises. Sure, you basically can’t have a satisfying sex life without stimulation of the clitoris, but your partner says “sorry, I just can’t touch your clitoris. I’m made uncomfortable by clitorises.” In the meantime, you’re frustrated and unfulfilled after every sexual encounter.
Are you really telling me that your partner isn’t under any particular obligation, if he or she wants to remain in a relationship with you, to get over his or her problem with clits? That you really have no right at all to say “look, I’m going to need you to do these things, or it’s over for us?”
I think that part of being in a relationship is paying attention to the needs of the other person. I don’t see why sexual needs are exempt. Certainly you can’t be forced to meet those needs, but being in a relationship is voluntary on both sides (if not, it’s abusive, obviously) and people should either hold their nose and meet the needs of their partner, or bow out if they just can’t do that.
I don’t see Savage saying anything but that. The people who write to him seem to get the funny idea that their partner’s fetish will wither and die if they just keep ignoring it - you seem to have the same idea - and the exact reverse is true. We’re not talking about pie-in-the-sky fantasies; we’re talking about people who have a sort of extra mental clitoris that needs stimulation just like a regular one does. And not meeting that need should be treated just like any other failure of someone to meet their partner’s needs - by evaluating the benefits of the relationship versus the pain in the ass of dealing with the other’s malfunction.
I’m sorry if that feels like pressure to you. It actually is pressure - the pressure to act like a caring human being when you’re in a relationship.