Posted by Pam Spaulding August 17, 2007 in Sex, Conservatism, Boggles the Mind, Bad Ideas
And now, as message about abstinence
“Boys, keep it in your pants…keep your clothes on, keep your clothes on…wait till you're married to get it on.”
– Robert Breaud, “Abstinence” via GodTube
Hat tip, Calling All Wingnuts.
61 Responses to “And now, a message about abstinence”
Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>
when i first saw the screen, it looked like God lube. Does it never run out or something? I’d pay extra for that.
Dear Lord it does. Looks like the fundies need to do a little more work in the marketing department.
Would God lube be oil- or water-based,then?Me,I like it water-based and glycerin-free…condom-safe and no irritations @ my ,um,pearly gates.
My favorite: “Keep it in your pants–c’mon, sing it with me!”
I keep picturing earnest, wholesome, buttoned-up JesusKids dutifully singing along, beatific expressions on their poor deluded little faces…
Well, of course it would be condom safe.
Well, we would have to market a Catholic version that wasn’t condom safe, just so we throw in that extra risk of breakage, keeping open the possibility of new life in every encounter
All together now:”Every sperm is sacred,every sperm is great….
I will be honest. After watching that, I don’t really feel like having sex.
Did love the:
“Girls, he’s lying when he says he needs it.
Boys, she’s going to give you a disease”
verse though. *shudder*
I like Jermaine Stewart’s version better.
Beat me to it MAJeff. That’s the psycho christian worldview in a nutshell there. Females are diseased pieces of sin just ready to drag wholesome boys into hell.
What was the name of that guy who said:”Life in Lubbock,Texas taught me two things:One,God loves you and you will burn in hell.Two,sex is a vile and awfull thing and you should save it for someone you truly love.”?
It’s amazing how out front they are with the “pussies are icky” thing. I’m not into them, but I know some people who really are. But more than that, I like the people to whom the pussies are attached. They really take the “pussies are icky” to “girls are icky” so quickly. There’s just such a contamination anxiety embedded in fundamentalist masculinity.
A young Bob Roberts rebells against his Bourgois Bohemian parents.
Everybody sing along, okay?
As for “God Lube”, well, it’s a miracle of transubstantiation. Whatever you got, well, it’ll work - Water, Wine, Motor Oil, Orange Juice, Pedro’s Ice Wax - God’ll turn it into Astroglide for ya.
That’s one holy fucking miracle!
as long as it’s not holey
@ Ms Kate:You gave me a mental picture of Jesus attending an orgy and,through a transformation miracle,saving the other guests from ouchie-bums after their lube had run out…Glory Halle-lube-ya!
Um, the last supper?! [in best lispy voice]”This is my body. Take….Eat….Do this in remembrance of ME”
Jesus was a bit of a diva, after all.
And that should be “glory hole-e-luja”
You know,I love MAJeff more with every minute I spend on this blog.Can I come to the US and stalk you sometime Jeff?
How much work would I have to do?
I think the lion’s share of stalking work lies with the stalker,not the stalkee…But you could maybe give me a few cookies and a blanket if you find me camping on your doorstep.Right before you call the cops and get a restraining order.
My favorite part, I think, was when he said that if a young woman gets HPV she WILL get cervical cancer which is only bad because then she may not be able to pop out the babeez. Not having babeez is worse for a woman than death from cancer. But the slut deserves infertility and death because her pussy is diseased and wasn’t kept pure until marriage.
You could be like the neighborhood cat, where each night someone else leaves out a plate of cookies. That could be fun. I am moving to a new building, so I’d have to talk to the other people about letting you in during the winter. Maybe the restaurant downstairs….
My favorite is the equivalence they see between an STD and death. Guess what, if you detect and treat chlamydia soon enough, you’re not going to die, you’re just going to itch for a couple weeks. Not pleasant, but not exactly terminal either.
Hey, I thought it was the stalker who was supposed to leave presents for the stalkee. Y’know, like dead rabbits boiling in a pot, a human heart stuck to the door…little things like that.
Beat me to it.
Frankly, the shame of being a pregnant teenager is a whole lot worse than contracting, then treating, an STD. With the STD, the only one who knows about it is your doctor. When you’re past the fourth month of gestation, everyone knows.
I’d much rather have a case of chlamydia than an unintended pregnancy any day of the week.
You two can curl up and listen to Wally Pleasant together!
Dead rabbits?That’s “Fatal Attraction”,right?Well,how about maybe chocolate bunnies?And heart-shaped pieces of tofu?I’d rather be cruelty-free stalker.
I love the comments to the video on the website. Two of the four call out the video for factual inaccuracies.
The ad that showed up on the sidebar was for a Kegels exercising device.
It may be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, extra points for the topic of this post.
Pardon the netspeak, but LOL WHUT?
I feel like I just watched the holy roller version of “Smelly Cat”.
Oh My - what a track record.
Gays discover what Bush America thinks of them outside SF City Hall
Former homosexual Robert Breaud’s testimony in song
Religious protestors spark student debate behind University Center
Crap, I’m gay and 39, according to his song I better get ready to die.
This crazy dude also said this about homosexuality
“Before you die of your partner murdering you, you need to come to Jesus.”
http://www.metroactive.com/papers/metro/03.03.04/gay-marriage-0410.html
This guy claims to be a former Homosexual who was “cured” which is why he has to sing about abstinence as his only “cure” is self loathing, not conversion to heterosexuality.
He has another song “Its’ not OK to be gay”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=630aARQQuwg
What’s funny though is that it seems more like a joke song, because both the tone and the words seem so preposterous you can’t take the guy seriously even though he is serious.
It appears that our bearded singer of “Abstinence” is not wearing a wedding ring.
Coincidence??
I recognize this man. He is responsible for my first and only homosexual experience.
He was at my college (UVM) this spring. He had a friend with a huge sign about how all sorts of people are going to hell. Several hundred kids gathered together and jeered them. And in the midst of all the brewhaha, a boy asked me to make out with him in front of the fundies to “push their buttons.” It was kinda awkward, but I’m glad it happened.
Aieeee! It’s in my brain and I can’t get it out! Gah!
Ya know, the guaranteed STD(s) resulting from sex could be avoided if the youngins used PROTECTION! The abstinence nuts don’t want them to know that, though. So they pretend condoms don’t work, which allows them to spread their doom and gloom message.
It’s so fucked that the anti-sex message for boys is always, “You’ll hurt yourself,” while for girls it’s, “You’ll hurt someone else.” Either god, or her daddy, or her future husband or her non-existant babies. Sigh.
Why didn’t anyone warn me about the beard?
::: eye wipe :::
THanks for that. Not a dry eye in the breakroom, and it’s set off a marathon sprint to be the first to have Martyr to My Own Lust displayed as a title on desk name plates.
Sweet Jesus that’s awful. I couldn’t even get through the opening chorus before I had to turn it off.
The comments over at the God’s Lube website are pretty good.
For fucks sakes, I am sick and tired of these yokels lying about the failure rate of condoms. I have used them for 5+ years as my only form of BC and have not had any accidents.
And I do not buy his statistic that 1/3 people say the wished they had waited unitl they were married. When I got married, I had only been with one guy, future husband. Oh boy, do I regret that. I wish I has slutted it up in college. Maybe I would have picked more wisely with a bit more experience.
Since that wasn’t the usual YouTube interface I was looking at it and wondering what….. Oh, I see MAJeff had the same reaction, “God Lube” , wth?
Really, that’s a logo that needs a serious redesign.
OTOH, if I owned a lube company of ANY type, I’d be on that like a weasel on a hen.
I’m sorry, I just couldn’t get through it! I lasted for about 2 minutes, which I think is pretty good. I have to grab the audio from this though, it might be fun for a friend of mine that likes to sample weird shit (he did a pretty cool mix of crazy shit that BOR said).
It started out funny, but christ (lube), it got boring fast. But who cares about “catchy” when you’ve got “brainworm” and “lies” as options.
Read my lips: Abstinence-only NEVER works.
LOL! You nailed it, RA. (The human heart comes from Neil Gaiman’s “Harlequin Valentine”.)
I dunno if MAJeff is into chocolate bunnies and tofu, but if he’s stalked out, I can always give you a few Oreos and a comforter.
As a survivor of a Baptist upbringing, this has a painful resonance. I think there is something in the baptist creed that requires every congregation to have a tone-deaf guy who plays guitar with great gusto. Accordions are acceptable, too. Also there has to be a woman with too much makeup who sings off-key and emotes with over the top emphasis on random words and phrases.
I thought that was just Methodists.
Jeff, you rat, that was just low.
Because you know those are Missouri Synod Lutherans.
Not where i grew up. We always dreaded Fran being in church that week…and she insisted in singing in the choir….I just got shivers (and not good ones)
I’m guessing the Missouri Synoders just sang with even less gusto than the Methodists, and Wisconsin Evangelical Lutherans ranking right down there–in terms of enthusiasm–with Christian Reformed.
I liked Roy Zimmerman’s version better.
(If someone already linked this and I missed it when I read the thread, I apologize — but if somehow this thread got to 49 comments without that video being linked, y’all should hang your heads in shame.)
I tried to watch that video. I really did. I just had to stop it after about five seconds because the painful embarassment I was feeling on behalf of the singer was excruciating.
I love how he mentions how easy the chorus is. It’s like he put all his effort into writing the verses and then gave up.
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=c5280214e0486b273a5f&page=1&viewtype=&category=mv
Sorry–I can’t remember how to post links properly: but this is has to be seen to be believed.
I can only say, with SNL, “Sometimes a banana is just a banana.”
MAJeff, get out your god lube.
Saying, “Condoms have holes in them that allow all sorts of STDs to pass through.”– Jesus Christ. And that’s the only Christian thing I can think to say about it.
This may come as a surprise to this guy, but the young can smell bullshit. There are plenty of actual reasons for a young person to abstain from sex. A whopper like that one robs him of the ability to convey any of them. His lost credibility may, ironically, result in less abstention, not more.
This also makes me glad that the church I was raised in was guitar free. Say what you want about the ELCA, but the choirs are usually good, epecially in Minnesota.
As an antidote, here’s another guy with a guitar singing about abstaining from sex:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPClWkEdES8
Is masturbation included in abstinence?
Jeebus and the disciples were good for circle jerks, at least. Not to mention the sheep and goats.
bernarda:
I think, yes. At any rate those were the values I internalized being raised as a conservative Catholic in the ’70s. (And the Catholic Church definitively calls masturbation “a grave moral disorder” or something like that.)
If it were otherwise the whole dynamic would be rather different. The point is to drive people nuts with frustration, the better to manipulate them. (The fact that the manipulators are themselves self-manipulated…oh heck, you know what I mean…ahem. Anyway, I’m not talking about some cynical Inner Party simply pulling on marionette strings, but a self-perpetuating psychic system.) This is why activities that reasonable people can do reasonably, even things that are bedrock necessities of human life and happiness, are cast in the light of sinfullness, so that everyone is guilty and feels Big Brother looking over their shoulder, and everyone feels dependent on approval and validation from “higher up,” because no one can feel they are on safe ground without their Protector.
If too many people decide they’re not actually teh eeeeevil sinnnerz, then fundy-type churches go out of business.
“Is masturbation included in abstinence?”
Touch your weewee or hooha and it’s all over. Even dirty dreams are enough to condemn your soul.
Hey, nobody ever said being a fundy nutcase was easy…
My own view is that no matter how bad this singer and song are, I would rather listen to that than sit through another Catholic folk mass led by a guitarist. Christianity is, at its core, a religion of pacifism, but Jesus folk songs always gave me the feeling noted in Grosse Point Blank: the certainty that all I wanted to do was kill somebody.
Whitey’s Gooooooooooone!!
Had me laughing so fucking hard when I saw that movie. Dunno why, I just found that scene inappropriately hilarious.
Though the part where he mentioned Homosexuality made me raise an eyebrow (I really wish my brothers and sisters wouldn’t place such practices on a position of importance outside other sins), he’s at least trying to bring awareness. Whether you’re religious or not, liked the format or not (I frankly think it’s a bit corny, but then again, to each his own), it still bears a practical message.
So, give the guy a break.