11 ways to please the douchebag in your life
It’s yet another in a long line of depressing, rainy days, so I have to thank Zuzu for sending me this excellent opportunity to mock* this tool Evan Marc Katz, and his advice to women on how to score for a boyfriend a tool of their very own. Next week, his advice will presumably be on how to attract more spam to your inbox. To be fair, the article, titled “11 Things Women Don’t Know About Men” is really a primer on how to be a better doormat, so you too can enjoy the pleasures of having assholes and abusers in your life that you can’t seem to shake. You might be thinking to yourself, why would a rational human being want that? But luckily, Katz doesn’t think that women are rational human beings, so it all fits together.
By the way, Katz has written a book called Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad, and I hate to assume, but I find it highly unlikely the answer is, “Because you have to wade through so many dates with giant assholes like Evan Marc Katz, which is time-consuming and quite likely to make a girl give up.” But I’ll be generous and say that my suggestion isn’t really enough to beef up an entire book.
Onto the pointing and laughing!
1. Getting angry at us for not reading your mind is like getting angry at yourself for not being able to fly. It’s not just futile, it’s physically impossible.
Fair enough, but it’s not like women sit around sending off obvious signals to their tool boyfriends instead of stating their desires directly for no good reason. Considering that the rest of the list indicates that Katz thinks you should be slavishly grateful to be pushed around and mistreated by him, I suspect that his girlfriends have been actively discouraged from direct statements. When hinting’s all you have left, it’s no wonder you resort to it.
As mandated by the nit-picking deities, I will note that passive aggression, hinting, and other tools women develop as survival skills are Bad Ideas. Sure, your tool boyfriend will throw a hissyfit if you state your desires directly, but over the long run, it’s just best to get rid of him faster. I promise. Think of it a survival of the fittest—you’re chopping quickly through the ones who can’t take a straightforward woman and hopefully whittling it down to the one who can.
2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we’re even dumb enough to admit it.
Either he’s dating a string over oversensitive babies or, and this is my suspicion, he’s rubbing their noses in this attraction and making them feel small. Clearly, the cure is to put this picture over the bed and throw a fit if he wants to take it down, noting that it’s the only way you can really get in the mood. Though I suppose that’s passive aggression. In the real world, it’s better to say, “It hurts my feelings when you mock me for not looking like an airbrushed, leather-clad movie starlet when I first get up in the morning. Could you please grow up?” But less fun.
3. Don’t ask us to understand your shoe fetish. Asking us to respect it is even sort of pushing it.
The next item on the list makes me think he’s probably not likely to be cool with his girlfriend wearing dingy sneakers or Birkenstocks every day, as this cheap shot might imply.
4. You do look good without makeup, just not as good as you look with it.
Really?! You don’t say. God knows that my cabinetful of make-up is there because I deliberately try to make myself look uglier before I go out. I’ve been failing all this time!
But I do like the juxtaposition of #3 and #4. He reserves the right to demand that you wear feminine drag for his aesthetic pleasure while mocking you at the same time for it. So long as you can’t win, he wins. Because love is about grinding another person down to a self-hating shell of a person. If you don’t believe that, it’s probably why you’re still single.
5. Ever notice how we don’t fight with our male friends? That’s why we get so frustrated when we fight with you.
I wonder if he asks his male friends to be mindful to look pretty while mocking the tools necessary to get there. If so, then I do wonder why he doesn’t fight with them.
6. You care what you’re wearing infinitely more than we do. In fact, if you’re naked when you open the front door, you won’t hear an argument from us.
What about a potato sack, then, which seems more along the lines of “not caring what you wear” than naked really is. I suppose a potato sack is A-OK as long as there’s a full face of make-up to go with it. Sure of it, really. I bet he wouldn’t mind a bit.
7. You don’t like to get hit on in public, you don’t want to date online and you don’t want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting. Because if it is, we’re all over it.
It’s amazing how all those approaches to women become rapidly more acceptable if the approacher doesn’t radiate misogyny, pursue women sending “go away” signals, or act entitled to your affection just because he’s a tool who took time out of his busy to day to request the right to penetrate you. Maybe it’s you, Evan. You could try wearing more make-up, perhaps.
8. There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us. I propose 24 hours.
It’s just so unfair to be held accountable for hurtful things you say to your girlfriend. Really takes the joy out of pushing her around and deriding her if she’s not going to take with a whimper and a flinch. Fighting back is probably why you’re still single.
9. Cooking dinner for a man is like buying flowers for a woman, except it takes a lot more time, effort and thought for you to do it. Thanks. We appreciate it.
Hey, if you want a scratch on the chin, you might want to bring him his slippers in your mouth on all fours. Preferably in front of his friends.
10. We actually like your girly pet-names for us, but please, not in front of the guys!
Well, a little dignity is probably fair (if it goes both ways, which it clearly doesn’t in his case), but I get the strong impression from this that Katz still has male friends who tease him about liking girls.
11. Just because we like looking at the women in Maxim doesn’t mean we want to actually converse with the women in Maxim. Not for long, anyway.
Which is a fine thing to say if there was any indication that he likes to converse with women at all, any women. Mostly he seems to like to tell women they aren’t good enough and they need to work harder to deserve to be poked by the Mighty Tool Of The Tool, so if his girlfriends suspect the only difference in his mind between them and centerfolds is that centerfolds are unattainable, then they’re probably right.
The next one is the one you supposedly know but won’t admit. (You didn’t know that assholes prefer their girlfriends to be less willfull and that you look better with make-up, presumably. Since you’re a woman and therefore really dumb.)
12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend’s a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who’s giving you advice about the jerk.)
Merciful Disco Ball, please save us from this guy’s enormous toolhood. But at least he’s a perfect example of why the whole Nice Guy® thing is so maddening; clearly he is the Nice Guy® when telling the woman to leave the jerk, but is also the jerk who pushes his girlfriend around, convinced that women secretly love being mistreated. The jerk and the Nice Guy®, the two heads of the Janus god of male entitlement.
*Mocking dating advice was a regular feature in my days at Mouse Words, and it’s fun to have a retro afternoon.
100 Responses to “Dear Evan: I’m looking for more ways to invite stress and misery into my life. Can you help?”
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You know, after seeing that guy’s ears, I just can’t take him seriously.
“You don’t like to get hit on in public, you don’t want to date online and you don’t want to be set up on blind dates.”
The fact that toolboy considers these the only possible ways to meet women proves how mind-shatteringly shallow and pathetic he is.
Gee, I was waiting for the old line about him needing a good listener and to not take up any conversational space if we want to win his affections, because bitches talk too much. That must be an oversight in this list of commands to be pretty and service him. Wanker.
I have only one thing to say about Evan Marc Katz.
It’s funny, some of these points have a kernel of general truth and might even be pretty good advice, if one were able to take them on good faith. Just about every one of these items (except of course for the “make us dinner, bitch!”, “no back-talk”, and “what do you mean I don’t get to stalk you?!”) applies quite naturally to all the decent human beings I’ve been with. And yet, as Amanda says, all of them are VERY easy to take for granted or twist into mind games when your partner is a douche.
Evan Marc Katz, being a douche, needs to srsly stfu, kthx.
*sigh* It’s guys like this that make me question dating again (I’m currently single and focusing on my job).
What Dan said. Evan’s little list is nothing more than 12 different ways of saying, “Look, girls, if you want to find a long term relationship, what you need to do is lower your standards .”
Here’s a clue, Evvsie, I’m just as smart as you, I’m just as good a person as you, and I probably make more money than you. I know for damn sure I’ve got tons more personal style and attitude than you, so we’ll leave it off there.
Perhaps you and your kind need to try to move up to me and mine by owning your shit, learning to take care of your own needs first, and realizing that you’re not entitled to our attentions, instead of asking us to stoop to your level, hmmm?
I can’t stop giggling at “the Mighty Tool Of The Tool.”
Has Nice Guy been upgraded from a mere trademark to copyrighted?
He forgot bribing her dad with 90+ rated cigars and Johnny Walker Blue Label. I hear that works well.
Who is this guy? How did he column? He can’t even write. Getting angry at him is very much physically possible. Although I’ll agree with him that it is futile to work yourself up over such a dickwad.
Just once I’d like to see one of these articles, written by a woman, read like this:
“1. Any guy who writes up lists of reasons generalizing an entire gender and telling them why none of them are worthy of his exalted self is an asshole. Laugh uproariously at these guys.”
Who is this guy? How did he get a column? He can’t even write. Getting angry at him is very much physically possible. Although I’ll agree with him that it is futile to work yourself up over such a dickwad.
Just once I’d like to see one of these articles, written by a woman, read like this:
“1. Any guy who writes up lists of reasons generalizing an entire gender and telling them why none of them are worthy of his exalted self is an asshole. Laugh uproariously at these guys.”
Ohhhhh, ho ho ho — stop, my iron feminist sides! If most women wouldn’t pick up this doofus’s socks, what makes him think they’d spend valuable time tidying his brains?
His alone time, his Alba wank … do whatever and if he needs an audience to get off, upload the footage to some scummy web site and ask for comments. If he actually has a date with Ms. Alba, who’s standing in his way?
And who’s the we dishing out the rules with him? Is it the Royal We or is he in duet form with Lil’Evan and he left off the extra e?
I like the juxtaposition of the ads up above. “Learn Mehow’s exclusive secrets on how to attract any woman you want!” I wonder if secret #1 is “Tell her she looks better with makeup.”
Every time Yahoo! runs one of these “advice” articles, I’m always amazed that people got paid to write that shit. This is even more clumsy and obvious than the dieting columnist a month or so back who was shocked and appalled to find out that Dunkin Donuts’ vanilla bean Coolatta isn’t a diet-friendly beverage, or the other dating advice columnist who wrote an entire article on the pros and cons of long distance relationships that could have been very easily surmised with “it can work, but it’s hard.” I mean, is there one thing he said that hasn’t been said before, or isn’t just a boring cliche? “You broads and your shoes, we just don’t get it!” “We like to look at other women, just deal with it!” “Stop holding stuff we say against us, we don’t like that!” Jaysus. And that “you look fine without makeup, just better with it,” that’s some pure-D bullshit right there. Pretty much every man I’ve dated in adulthood much preferred “the natural look,” and thank goodness for that, because other than lip gloss I can’t stand the stuff. The least Evan could do was try something a little original.
Love the pic with the rugby players.
I just love how he feels entitled to not only prong us with the Mighty Tool, he feels entitled to a naked greeting at the door, while not forgetting the makeup, a home-made dinner beforehand, and no backtalk, girl.
He may be delighted to date girls. I am a woman rather than a girl, and have extensive knowledge of men’s behavior, and his list is really out of date.
And I’m taken and intend to stay that way, especially where he is concerned.
God, i haven’t seen one of those since i was a kid and would sometimes use mom and dad’s shower before school. were they all pink?
You know, in the nearly seven years Amy and I have been together, she’s never had a problem with me finding someone like Jessica Alba hot, just as I’ve never been upset that she thinks David Tennant is hot. However, I suspect Evan would have a great deal to say if whoever the poor woman who made the mistake of dating him happened to mouth off about her star-crushes.
Attractive women aren’t worth talking to, apparently.
River:
“Out of date” is a great way to sum this up.
I kept getting images of that douchy ’80s power-suit business-guy from that one episode of Futurama.
HW:
It’s not that they’re not worth talking to, it’s that they’re just so damn scary.
Ooh, he appreciates women cooking dinner for him. Perhaps instead he ought to reciprocate?
All of these things seem not implausible in the context of someone who might be likeable for other reasons. But he doesn’t seem to get the idea that a woman might want a boyfriend for something other than needing a placeholder at parties or being to lazy to hold the vibrator.
What’s the difference between a douche bag and an enema?
Seriously? Is there a difference? Is it all in the wand? Or is this guy a douchbag for women who like anal?
So, are there really women who have so far escaped enemas like this guy who still really want to be in a subservient relationship and are willing to put up with and put on all this nonsense?
Or is this guy just fighting his own worst fears: women who are single for long periods of time WILL NOT lower their standards, even if it mean staying single?
The male entitlement fear in this is palpable - but, but wait! You were supposed to lower your standards for me! Hey! Come back! I need a servant to complete my life and make me feel like a real man! Wait! Where you going? You can’t do that! Women can’t stay single and leave us pathetic sycophants to face our own inadequacy! Come baaaaaack!
I kept getting images of that douchy ’80s power-suit business-guy from that one episode of Futurama.
My only regret is that I have boneitis.
Douche and enemas go to different places. Enemas are actually useful.
this article was basically… hilarious.
I had to stop reading, lest I start channelling Twisty Faster, which would be somehow wrong.
Or maybe not. I shudder to think with she would do with this dude.
Funny, I thought making dinner was the male equivalent of a woman making dinner. Hours of effort and toil, a little danger (oven, stove), the cost of ingredients–it’s all totally equal to buying up a jumble of useless dead plants. (Can I at least eat the flowers? No? USELESS DEAD PLANTS.)
Number 1 reminded me of a guy I would hang out with. I was sending the “not interested” vibes, but he had a Shield of Clueless +5 equipped, and one day while we were out, he tried to put his arm around me. I literally strained and pulled to lean away from him, and tried to disengage his arm, but he thought that meant he needed to pull me closer (and we were in a situation where I couldn’t move away from him very easily).
But no, I guess I should have told him–I still thought he was an okay guy at the time–to not fucking touch me. ‘Cause he’s not a mind-reader, obviously. I was like, totally unclear with my silly, womanly signals. There was just no way for him to know!
Men never fight their male friends?? Uhhh … huh. Sure. I was going to guess for a minute that this was an MSN article, since those seem to be written by illiterate morons, but apparently it’s just Yahoo. Same difference, I suppose.
All of my male friends have had significant fallings out with peers, I feel I should mentiong.
Totally digging the “Chicks = obsessed w/ shoes. Dudes = totally have each others’ backs. Hot Chicks = stupid” generalizations.
Dating advice is always the same: It’s your fault, unless it’s their fault. You must change, but really they should. You are a special individual, if you follow these proven steps. That’s not so hard, is it?
I could make tens of thousands of dollars doing that crap. It’s like palmreading or fortunetelling, only the patrons are desperate rather than seeking amusement. Suckers.
has anyone read the comments over at the original posting of this junk? they’re pretty supportive of his views, without anyone really taking the piece to task as it has been here. :/
I have never gotten angry at someone for not being able to read my mind. I have gotten royally pissed off when I’ve said something over and over in every form of plain English I can think of, only to be told later “you never told me that.”
Actually, I’m sure I’m not alone in the idea that any of those ways of courting are fine with the right man. But not even carrier pigeons are going to help if it’s the wrong one. In other words, Evan, it’s not your method. It’s you.
This guy is a “dating coach”? Silly me, I thought that was the premise for a so-so movie, not a real profession. I need to get out more — or maybe not.
You know, if you’re suffering from depression, you should seek help.
Wait…. so that’s an actual… douche bag?
Consider my mind blown, I guess. I didn’t know actual bags were involved.
[…] Amanda has already dealt with this lovely list of banality from Evan Marc Katz, possessor of freakishly blue eyes and author of Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad, which, I assume, includes things like “Because you’re the sort of douchebag who would write an article entitled…” 11 Things Women Don’t Know About Men (Plus one thing they probably do know, but won’t admit) […]
Did anyone else catch that item 12 was classic “nice guy” crap?
You know, the beauty is that this guy is single. That’s right ladies! He knows why you haven’t found the right guy, though. Because you’re stupid.
Why don’t you love him?
“I’m sure I’m not alone in the idea that any of those ways of courting are fine with the right man. ”
Exactly, I’m not sure why some people are so reflexive about getting rid of as many “not supposed to’s” as possible (although the hitting on strangers one is outrageous.)
You’re “not supposed to” date a co-worker (fair enough,) you’re “not supposed to” use online dating, you’re “not supposed to” date someone through a friend because it “causes drama” whatever that means, you’re “not supposed to” date someone from a rival school, you’re “not supposed to” date someone you’re already good friends with, you’re “not supposed to” date people through social groups or church because it also “causes drama”…see, do we even have anyone left at this point?
Why the heck would you not want to date someone who’s already a good friend (assuming you’re both interested)? Seems like the surest way to having a good time to me. Of course I married said good friend after having been good friends for several years before becoming any sort of serious couple, so I may be biased.
7. You don’t like to get hit on in public, you don’t want to date online and you don’t want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting. Because if it is, we’re all over it.
I always wonder who the “you” is in essays like this. Obviously, plenty of women do go out with men who ask them out in public (although considerably fewer, I suppose, want to be randomly “hit on”), date online, and go on blind dates. But apparently if one woman doesn’t want to, or not enough women want to, or not enough hot women want to, it’s time for the you chicks are all so unreasonable! whine.
Dude, the opposite sex is made up of individual human beings. Some of them may want to date you. Some of them may not. There is no magic formula that will make this stuff work out every time with no effort on your part. Deal with it. Yeesh.
^^ Because it files into the “causes drama” cabinet.
Seriously, I have heard all of those at some point.
Shaenon (sorry, I type slow so my ^^ was of course a reference to Tapetum’s post)–his reference to “you” is no different from when a racist uses the expression “you people.”
Anyway, the thing about people like Evan, is that they’re the the kind who will mask their insecurities with the hardest insults on you. He’s the kind of person who would probably make fun of me for going to Cancun a few years ago and leaving without having sex (even if I were to explain to him that I went with my parents, and it was during the winter so there was virtually no one even my age…and yes, I know someone who did exactly that, who basically had no accomplishments school or job-wise and tried to project a lot of those other failings onto me; strangely enough, one day I decided to just stop talking to him.)
LOL. There may be hope for you, Brain, but I’m afraid Evan’s case of boneitis is terminal.
Ms. Kate, with respect, the next step is actually “Well fine then, American women, be like that. You’ll be sorry, because we’re going on strike, you hear me, strike! That’s right - none of our lovin’ for you. We’re off to go marry nice subservient foreign women. Yes we are. See? See? Here we go, out the door. Totally ignoring you. See, we’re going now. Aaaaaany second now. Riiight out the door. To marry other women. You’d better change, right now, because otherwise we’re going…last chance, I’ll count to three and then I’m definitely ignoring you and leaving you alone. Three…two…I’m going to do it, you know, I’m going to leave you and all your awful evil feminist friends alone and miserable…one and a half…one and a quarter…you’ll be sorry…one…”
Shaenon, please, one step at a time. That’s a little advanced for Evan, dontcha think?
Dude, the opposite sex is made up of individual human beings.
Sounds like someone wasn’t here when The Pussy Oversoul was discovered.
“The jerk and the Nice Guy®, the two heads of the Janus god of male entitlement.”
great line. amen. and if you end up in the position of trying to explain to a Nice Guy® why his behavior, which he thinks is so nobly motivated, is condescending and demeaning, he oscillates so easily between the two.
I like how all these dating advice columns by dickheads like this guy have basically 2 types of advice.
#1. Men (all men) do/like x, therefore women have to shut up and deal with it, and fucking well like it.
#2. Women (all women) do/like y, and men don’t like it so they have to stop it.
It never occurs to them to give and take a little, that perhaps a woman just isn’t going to wear makeup and cook dinner for you all the time, so they should just quit whining about it.
Good one, Amanda.
Here’s a bit of advice for Evan along the lines of that “maybe she’s just not that into you” thing: Maybe you’re just a tool. All of your suggestions fall under the category of “stuff that I haven’t been able to say to the women I date, or that the women I dated couldn’t say to me, because I don’t have honest relationships”. So maybe you’re just a tool who can’t have honest relationships.
But don’t generalize that to the rest of us. Mrs DBK and I get along just fine.
oh sweet jesus on a stick - that was an awe inspiring combintaion of cluelessness, a sense of aggrived entitlement and just plain old fashioned stupid.
Still, I feel better, while I have not had much if any sucess in my relationships with women - boring story why self esteem issues, parental implants and what not - still I’m a hell of a lot better off than this clown. For that I thank you.
As a guy, I hate shit like this. What’s this “we” stuff, kemo sabe?
He’s not just generalizing about one gender, he’s generalizing about two. Don’t include me in your psychosis, pal.
Right now I own (from memory - I might be forgetting some) three pairs of black dress shoes, one pair of brown dress shoes, one pair of gym shoes, two pairs of Chuck Taylors, one pair of snow boots, two pairs of hiking boots, and a pair of sandals. But women are the ones with the shoe fetish. Go fig.
Well, according to that list, men are illogical and capricious animals and any mistakes we make stems from the failings of woman–none of it is our fault.
This is certainly true when the man is two years old and the only woman in his life is his mom. But at some point, we’re expected to grow out of that–and, wonder of wonders, when we start acting like mature adults instead of overgrown children, women tend to find us much more attractive.
I know! It’s crazy! But just try it for a while, fellas. That’s all I ask.
But that would mean taking responsibility for one’s own actions! Can’t have that.
The other thing that bugs me about this one - besides the portrayal of women as jealous harpies that will attack if you so much as look in the direction of another woman - is the employment of that time-honored way of keeping men in line, the Babe du Jour.
The Babe du Jour is a woman, usually a celebrity, that everyone is supposed to agree is the apotheosis of attractiveness, and is referred to in tones of “of course all men think she’s attractive.” There’s no room for individual taste here - sure, you may find other women attractive too, but if you’re a straight guy, this has to be your ideal.
I remember a long argument, complete with gay-baiting, about this back when the Babe du Jour was Britney Spears and I was dumb enough to say that she really didn’t seem more attractive than any of the other celebs.
Just a word of advice from a former divorce lawyer? Male or female: it’s okay to find somebody else hot, and/or to mention it. If you mention it when you are arguing with your spouse, going through a strained period, or when you aren’t sleeping with them….? Well, get used to having 1/3 the money and spending LOTS of times in law firm waiting rooms.
I can’t speak for other men, but I spent pretty much the entirety of my marriage openly espousing my view that makeup only got in the way of my wife’s beauty. And I don’t think she is alone in that.
Jeff Fecke noted (see “Eleven Signs”, linked just above the Reply, below) this:
Nice try, Jeff, but you can’t fool us. We know she’s a sentient hologram designed by a co-venture between a sex company and a feminist studies faculty. She just happens to be a widely admired sentient hologram, that’s all.
A handy come back for, Isn’t Britrany Hot? Wouldn’t a Three Way with Brittany be Cool? Is always, well She’s not as hot a woman as Russell Crow is a man (followed by details of his bod, showing you have thought about it) or You can have your three way with Brittany, but I get mine with Russel. Crickets generally chrip.
Yay! I’m so glad you decided to give this one The Treatment.
Wuh?!?
Men cannot read women’s minds?
Seriously?
Did anyone else get the impression that this fellow Evan had a girlfriend twice—1) spring-semester-sophomore-year of college, in those heady early days of email; 2) eight months during those searing, confusing days that followed 9-11, when a nation forged bonds of shared grief—and has moreover engaged in casual sex, no kidding, four times? I would bet $100, and more than that it I weren’t suh gushdurned poor all the time, that he’s never cohabitated with a woman.
The guy’s a misogynist the same way Nietzsche was a misogynist (I think it goes without saying Nietzsche was rather brighter). He’s trying to bolster his sagging sexual ego by making sweeping, “worldly” pronouncements. His misogyny, such as it is, isn’t even worth rebuking. His sexual age is about 18.
Sounds like someone wasn’t here when The Pussy Oversoul was discovered.
ha!
No, Blondie, they can. They just don’t want to.
I don’t know what the Pussy Oversoul is, but I’m getting a powerful urge to worship it.
Poop, that was supposed to be an eyeroll icon.
Pussy Oversoul, the beginning.
You care what you’re wearing infinitely more than we do. In fact, if you’re naked when you open the front door, you won’t hear an argument from us.
Great! We’ll be sure to do that for the UPS guy, then! And he’s probably a better catch anyhow!
You mean, that isn’t what you meant?
LOL. When the one about shoes came up, I thought for a minute that this was a woman talking to her boyfriend or husband: “Don’t ask me to understand your shoe fetish.” I was thinking about how encouraging foot worship might be good for the relationship - then I did a double-take, as I realized this was a guy maligning some woman’s socialized shopping habits. OK, honey, but then I don’t want to hear about WOW or microbrews, ‘k?
What is it with the damn shoes? Why do men *and* women who write pop culture “advice” columns or trend articles or whatever assume that every woman is insanely obsessed with shoes? I *hate* shoe shopping, I own a pair of sneakers and two pairs of sandals (one of which is lost, and both of which I bought five years ago — I buy sneakers more frequently, mainly when they wear out badly enough that my feet hurt), and so far no one has asked me to turn in my vagina. So I don’t think that a fascination with shoes is the feminine universal that these people think it is.
There should be a statute of limitations on stupid shit one partner says to the other—varying, of course, with level of stupidity, relevance to the discussion at hand, relevance to the relationship as a whole, and resolution of the original discussion. If they’re just having the same fight again, that is, anything already mentioned is fair game.
My explanation of the shoe stuff:
1. Imelda Marcos
2. Too many viewings of Sex and the City (Carrie in her Manaho Blaniks or however you spell them)
3. Secret high heel fetish on the part of the guy (who is probably longing to get some himself)
4. Total lack of listening as to what his girlfriend is actually saying. He bleeps it all out, and then when he tries to remember, he thinks “she must have been talking about high heels!” (due to the aforementioned secretly unadmitted fetish on his part.)
Alara Rogers, turn in your vagina immediately!
Sorry; couldn’t resist.
Ew, you know what I hate? Items with prints or patterns of high heels on them (like this). There are patterns with lipstick tubes and purses too. Who buys that shit? I do like shoes, but I’m fine with just wearing them on my feet. I don’t need to own other items with shoes emblazoned on them.
It gets especially good if you also juxtapose this combination with #1; even though it’s out of line for women to expect him to read their minds, it’s A-OK for him to expect women to read his mind about exactly how much gussying up he wants (naked, lots of make up, and a single pair of spike heels, I guess).
I just googled his name, he must have hung out with the lacrosse players a lot where he went to school.
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&safe=off&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=OhH&q=%22evan+marc+katz&btnG=Search
Dear Evan:
We all know why you’re still single.
And shit like this isn’t getting you any punani, either.
Kisses,
JupiterPluvius
And yes, Mr. Pluvius is another of the “Why do you wear makeup?!? You’re so much prettier without it!” husbands. Fortunately, when I say, “Because I like it, and it makes me feel more dressed up,” he opens his can of STFU and does so.
His problems seems to stem from the fact that all women are just waiting to have a man pick her, rescue her and save her. Save her from what?
What a load of crap!
I must be an ass for paying my way through college, taking myself to Europe and being on the verge of buying a home all by myself.
Wow, catherine. All those things and still single. What a failure you must consider yourself.
No, really, you must. If you don’t, how will Evan and millions of other misogynist losers ever be happy?
(There should really be a term for the misogyny of men who have no clue about actual women, sort of a cognate to the ignorant “suburban antisemitism” that used to be so common. It’s no less pernicious than the aware kind, but it can at least be funnier.)
Am I the only sick bastard who just knows he was slapping Astroglide on a hot pink Manolo Blahnik pump when he wrote that?The shoe fetish thing is laughable…one of my best friends has dozens of shoes (largely from running) and once showed them lined them up in front of me when I visited HIS apartment.
Note the capitalized word.
I couldn’t agree more! Evan needs to keep in mind that he doesn’t represent the beginning and end of all male thinking. Some of us think Evan is an ass.
Just a comment on #8: My wife and I have been married (to each other) for almost 25 years. Rarely do we bring up stupid things from the past when we fight. Perhaps if Evan ever earns the love and respect of a woman he will find that she is more prone to forgiving AND forgetting. (Of course, getting old is another good way to avoid fighting about events in the past since it gets harder and harder to recall them.)
You know, I read the book, and it’s actually not that bad — but that’s largely and maybe entirely because half of it was written by Linda Holmes (”Miss Alli’ at Television without Pity), and she is one of the smartest, funniest writers out there. Each chapter is each of them giving their perspective on a given issue, and she made sure that the tone was not “how to get a man, you sad, incomplete, pathetic loser,” as she is happily single herself.
Thank you, Alara Rogers! It drives me up a tree that every. single. one. of these dating advice columns assumes that all women like pointy-toed pointy-heeled shoes. I know I am not the only one who owns one or two pairs of heeled shoes at the back of the closet, for the odd time when whim or necessity makes me want to try them for some special event (usually culminating in “ow, ow, why did I wear these damn things, my back, ow!”), and otherwise has runners and flat sandals and maybe some winter boots. It just… GAH.
I do blame Sex & the City. But it can’t be just that…
Dude. I just had my first comment ever put into Pandagon moderation. It was about shoes, and I said “damn” but otherwise I have no idea why…weird.
PS Do we have to petition MAJeff before taking on cooking-related deity handles?
[…] Amanda Marcotte lights into this dating advice column with her typical mockery, but I feel like having a go at it myself anyway. It’s eleven things women supposedly don’t know about men, plus one thing we supposedly do know, but won’t admit. […]
To be perfectly honest, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that column. No, not every girl is obsessed with shoes or expects her boyfriend to read her mind- but some do. I know a lot of girls who do. Maybe he and his friends have dated a lot of girls like that. I don’t think that, by any means, he’s saying that all grls are like that.
I think by calling it misogynistic, you’re giving the column more credit than it deserves. While I have no idea what his book is like, I just see this as a not-that-funny attempt at showing the differences between the ways girls and guys approach dating. No more than that. It’s not as if girls never generalize guys (never call, would rather watch football, will cheat if given the opportunity). I doubt anyone would care if a girl wrote a similar column called “11 Things Men Don’t Know About Women.”
And yes, I’m a woman. And I’d hate it if a guy kept bringing up a stupid thing I said in the past.
I have to admit that I so have a shoe fetish; I really like hot guys with stylish shoes. I also love well-cared for man-feet (get a pedicure once in a while). That is what he meant right?
“I doubt anyone would care if a girl wrote a similar column called “11 Things Men Don’t Know About Women.â€?”
I don’t know. Most of the guys I used to be netbuddies with were pretty horrified by the way similar articles (Yahoo, MSN, and CNN advice pieces) talked about men. There’s one really great one on common ‘first-time mother mistakes’ that all but ends with “Mistake #12: Allowing a male anywhere near your baby.”
Well, parts of the column, taken individually, wouldn’t be that bad as relationship advice (it’s generally not a good idea to expect people to read your mind or frequently dredge up comments from the past, whether you’re a man or a woman). But I have trouble taking seriously anyone who’s proposing #7 as actual advice; since when does any woman need to be more open to public propositions? It’s spoken like a man who has no clue what it’s like to encounter street harrassment.
That’s one potential pitfall; the other is having a really obvious “type” that doesn’t include your partner, and making it clear. If you like Jessica Alba, and Jessica Alba is a perhaps prettier version of what your partner looks like, cool. If you like Jessica Alba, and she looks nothing like your partner, still cool, if you also seem to appreciate women who look like your partner. But if every single woman who visibly turns your head looks way different from the woman you’re with, and if you’re oblivious to all the attractive women who look more like the one you’re with, your wife or girl friend may not be a happy camper.
Did somebody say shoes?
So, Erin, you’re defending this piece of smug tripe because some women (sorry–”gals”) generalize about men (er, “guys”) and NOBODY would EVER say anything negative about that (been on the Internet long?), and anyway you prefer to read his pronouncements about men and women as, maybe commentary on his own girlfriends and certainly we should not generalize them to ALL women, even though he does. Did I miss anything?
Mythago:
I’m defending it because I don’t find it offensive. For example, I don’t see the shoe comment as a generalization of all women. It’s just one way of saying that guys don’t understand uniquely feminine hobbies like shoe collecting (which, by the way, I don’t get either). And why is it a horror to think that Jessica Alba is hot? There isn’t a girl or guy alive who doesn’t think some celebrity is hot. As for saying stupid things…who hasn’t had a case of foot-in-mouth at some point? And as for the cooking comment, there’s a huge difference between what Evan said and expecting dinner on the table every night. What he actually says is that, on the occasions that women do cook, he appreciates it and acknowledges that it’s a lot of work.
I’m all for condemning articles I think are actually sexist. But this one, while not very funny, is basically saying that men and women approach dating differently, which I think is true. With all due respect, I think that calling this article sexist is an overreaction and makes valid sexism charges less credible.
And…do you find “girls” and “guys” to be offensive terms? I’m in my twenties and still tend to refer to myself and my female friends as “girls” and my male friends as “guys.” I just look at those as less age-specific terms.
Doesn’t that depend on context. I’ve known people who married outside of their “type” preference, and that reinforced the dynamic, simply because it was an affirmation that the partner was seen as so insanely hot that their appeal transcended type. I knew one bi woman who settled down with a man, and the clear understanding between them was that it was because he women turned her crank way more than men did and he turned her crank more than women did.
There are two types of people who bring up your mistakes over and over again. The first group are psychologically abusive swine of either gender who do it to establish and maintain cruel ascendance in a relationship. They are abusers pure and simple.
That leaves everybody else. If we leave aside the unsuccessful attempt at humour found in the “24 hours” guideline — Rumpole: “Better leave the jokes to me, old darling. You’ve simply got not talent for it.” — it leaves us with the rather more simple question: as between men and women, which is more likely to remind (and re-remind and re-re-remind) the other of past mistakes, either directly or in more subtle fashion?
Women. No question, no contest, period.
So … Why? My own pet theory is that women are brought up to believe that they have to “fix” or “correct” or “improve” their men. Some of it is patriarchal, some of it has other origins. But women are brainwashed to do this and many do.
Doesn’t that depend on context. I’ve known people who married outside of their “type� preference, and that reinforced the dynamic
I think it’s not so much that marrying outside your “type” is bad in itself (at least not if you find the actual person outside your normal “type” at least somewhat hot - marrying someone you’re not sexually attracted to at all is probably usually asking for trouble), as that a lot of the complaints I hear from women do wind up sounding like the problem is really visibly continuing to prefer women of another “type.” But yes, I think it would depend a lot on context. Enough reassurance that you find your spouse hot, and the “type” may not matter (my husband says I have a “type” of woman I look at on the street, but he’s not bugged or threatened by it - and not all women would be either). But really “in your face” attention to the other person who is younger, or skinnier, or whatever, could be a problem.
So yes, it depends on context, but there are contexts where it can be a real problem.
As for resenting finding Jessica Alba hot in itself, I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman who gets angry simply because a man finds Jessica Alba hot.
I don’t think there is anybody who posts here that disagrees with that. (Tangent alert!) There are a baffling number of asexual people, though, who seem to feel that they are entitled to marry people who want normal sex lives and then expect them to give up sex or accept occasional charity sex; that has come up on a number of previous posts.
And there you put your finger on it, (the “don’t be a shit about it” rule) and no more need be said by me.