Posted by Amanda Marcotte June 14, 2007 in Asides, Animals
BERLIN (Reuters) - An aggressive squirrel attacked and injured three people in a German town before a 72-year-old pensioner dispatched the rampaging animal with his crutch.
I generally hate squirrels, due to their squirrelly behavior, but this squirrel seems like he had a plan.
76 Responses to “Squirrels, fuck yeah”
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EEEP!
There are a lot of squirrels on my campus.
Already, they have waged psychological warfare upon us. They lie in wait in the trash cans until a human passes by, and then… YIKES! They go crazy! Crashing and banging and you just KNOW they’re laughing at you in their evil beady-eyed fashion….
They are mad! Mad, I say! And now, they attack! Man the barricades, avoid the trees, and let not their cute bushy tails fool you! IT IS WAR!
(note: no, I’m not serious. They’re too cute. And fun to watch, when they’re not doing the trash-can thing. Iesu Criste in a disco club, that’s scary as fuck-all. So I’m not actually going to go attack the campus squirrels, although I wouldn’t mind importing some foxes or coyotes or something.)
I believe it was my frosh year, or maybe sophomore, some RA of another frosh hall had a bounty for anyone who could present him with a live captured squirrel. Dunno what exactly he planned to DO with it… and luckily nobody seriously tried to catch one.
“I hate squirrels, Six, I just hate ‘em. They’re just rats with good P.R.”
Bernie Hunter
Did somebody say the magic words, squirrel catapult?
In the same vein - squirrel story, you say?
6079, I now will be going to hell for laughing so hard at that.
When you arrive, please do drop by and say hello.
The Stranger,
be glad it’s squirrels on your campus. When I was an undergrad it was crows sitting in waiting for us in the trees. Trying to get out of our building at certain times of day without being shat upon was damn near impossible. The dye sucked out of my jacked due to crow shit and the cawing at 4:00 am right outside my window made me hate those fuckers more than any other creature…except mosquitos.
That sounds like rabies or something. How awful for those people!
I loved the squirrels on my college campus. I once fed them sunflower seeds out of my hand. They were cute and only vaguely menacing.
The thing with crows is that they’re good observers, and can learn who you are, where you live, and what kind of car you drive. If you piss off the local murder badly enough (by capturing and tagging them, e.g.), they’ll target you personally for a campaign of harassment.
Squirrelly wrath does exist, I see.
Amanda French had a nice look at the poetic potential of squirrels here.
The most adorable squirrel I’ve ever seen had no tail. Seriously, all that stuff about the fuzzy tail being the difference between them and rats? Totally not true. Bobtailed squirrels were tailor-made to be taken home and cared for for the rest of their days.
That having been said, most squirrels are 110% bastardry. Deny them their bird seed for one day, and they’re ripping off your window screens, disconnecting the wires in your car, and electrocuting themselves on your Christmas lights.
When I first read this, I read it as “cows” instead of “crows.”
Cows sitting in trees, waiting to shit on me, is a really entertaining idea.
Once i was tossing a football around with a friend at the park. I stopped to by a milkshake from a Mr. Softy truck, set it on a park bench, and went back to throwing the ball around with my friend. I turned around to get my shake and a squirrel had knocked it over and was drinking it from the straw!
Holy crap, this squirrel was just barking and barking at me this morning. As I continued on my morning walk, they just kept barking! It’s like they were on a party line: “The sun just came up! No really! It’s coming!” up and down my street.
Maybe the squirrels are plotting a furry revolution. The old dude in Berlin is our only hope.
Hey, everybody, rats and squirrels are nearer relatives to humans than cats and dogs. Look at those little hands and feet. So, yeah, they probably do harbor malign intentions and conspire against us, because they can!
Oh, this is just fucking hilarious.
See what I mean about sarcasm not being obvious on the web? This does not belong on Pandagon. This is utter bullshit. I read Pandagon for feminist and progressive news and commentary, not squirrel-hating. Knock this shit off.
I really should not be laughing (rather researching), but yeah: FUCKING HILARIOUS.
Of course: people were injured, and I consider myself not be suffering from Antisocial Personality Disorder, or anything like that, but…
I needed that. Wine and gossip with friends couldn’t cure my attitude tonight, but this has.
Oh, and I totally love squirrels. Even mean ones.
Says you. This is the only place I go for my squirrel-hating bulletins. Anybody can post progressive news and commentary.
Besides which, the squirrel totally started it.
ten bucks says that elaine’s a Secret Squirrel Operative.
yeah, I agree with Jessica G.
I really don’t need anything thought-provoking at this hour (pediatric insomnia issues). I did need a laugh, though.
Okay, really: bed or research. Those are my choices. Oh, and I am totally posting under my sleep issue-prescribed Klonpin (Clonazepam) and Rozerem drugs.
Not trying to feed ill-informed concern trolls, though. I have a sleep specialist, thanks.
Anyway, totally going to share this with friends tomorrow. Thanks for the smile, Amanda.
Last thing, I swear: I am saddened by the squirrel’s demise. All of the other shite- amusing as hell.
[Re: JP’s above] Make no mistake. That piece by Amanda French had something for both squirrel lovers and squirrel haters.
Someone last month found that post on a Google search and contacted us with a link to their blog that featured a home video of real, live squirrel shootin’ for fun, sport, and pest removal. It was pretty macabre for my taste. But in the dude’s defense, he explained that where he lives, squirrels are an extremely hazardous pest.
That was educational news to this city dweller. The biggest pest they are to me is eating up my damn bird food.
Well, the squirrel did probably have rabies and get clubbed to death, followed by the incredibly painful rabies shots I’m sure the innocent victims are now enduring. An entirely sordid and black affair to be sure. I will presently standby for Ms. Marcotte to revise and restate her ill-advised comments on squirrels, some sort of scientifically unsound and mystersious “squirrelly” nature, and the modus operandi of Western European rodents. Truly a new low, to be surpassed by the next gaseous emanation belched forth from an absence of well-deserved obscurity. You have not won, nay, you have merely postponed inevitable oblivion. I bid you good day.
Please, Amanda. Don’t blog about anything other than what your 50 million readers WANT you to blog about. After all, our very expensive subscriptions to Pandagon entitle us to instant access to whatever we want someone else to write for us. And don’t tell us to get our own blog. That’s just ridiculous.
(Was THAT sarcasm obvious? I hope so.)
And I love squirrels, bless their deviant, evil-plotting little hearts.
Just a warning, folks. Elaine Vigneault is not a troll, or a Secret Squirrel Operative, (so gimme me my ten bucks, kidlican!). She is actually a squirrel in clever disguise!
Fetch the catapult!
Back in the seventies (yes, I know: that’s ancient history), a lot of the squirrels around the University of Kentucky campus were unafraid of humans enough that they would come up and beg for food, and would take it out of your hand if you offered it to them.
Don’t seem to have too many around my present domicile, but there are some long-eared critters that are breeding like, well, rabbits!
True story: I once had a squirrel scoot up one side of me, across my shoulders, and down the other as if I were a tree. The little claw indentations never fully heal, you know.
Anyone seen this one yet?
“The thing with crows . . . they’ll target you personally for a campaign of harassment.”
Crap, they’ll be showing up on AutoAdmit, next . . .
Don’t fuck with a pensioner with a crutch.
There is a squirrel who lives outside my apartment who apparently takes pleasure in taunting my cats. Bastard.
Squirrels Rule.
That is all.
It’s all part of the “Animal Conpiracy” tm Tim Badore. The squirrels are just recon. When the moose and deer start getting involved, then it’s serious.
Diane - I laughed ’til I cried. And then I forwarded that story to everyone in my department, on the heels of Amanda’s link.
And now, he has a patrol car…
Thanks. We all needed that, really.
All lost for want of an “s”.
“The thing with crows . . . they’ll target you personally for a campaign of harassment.�
Crap, they’ll be showing up on AutoAdmit, next . . .
No–those were squirrels, too.
I remember, back in my undergrad days of the late ’90’s, the fear that Quad Squirrels brought to campus every fall. The University of Illinois Quad Squirrel is a dangerous beast. Growing to a size far beyond that of a normal squirrel (perhaps from eating leftover chips, crackers, candy bars, and sandwiches), they had no fear. To take a nap on the quad was to risk your life. They would sneak up on you, and try to steal delicious morsels from your backpack. They would run right up to you and not move until you tossed them some tasty vittles.
Never, ever, under any circumstance, piss off a Quad Squirrel. They are so ferocious that there is a movement to have the Quad Squirrel named the new mascot of the University of Illinois.
My dad accidentally domesticated a squirrel by throwing apple cores and orange peels into his yard. One day he looked out and the squirrel was just waiting, expectantly, for him to throw stuff.
He figures, cute, so starts throwing more food out there. Until one day he opens the back door, and the squirrel just walks right in. And sits in the desk chair, waiting for his snack.
This went on for about a year, and then one day the squirrel just never returned. We think he was executed as a turncoat.
My neighbor is feeding the squirrels peanuts, which they then try to bury in my garden, and have destroyed dozens of plants at this point. Normally, I wouldn’t eat a filthy animal like that, but since this one’s been fed on a rich diet of peanuts… I think I’m going to get a lovely set of earmuffs and a delicious stew in the slow-cooker out of this bargain, as soon as my shiny new box-trap arrives.
I believe the squirrel’s problem was that he had not fully assimilated into German culture. After all, we have learned from the Simpsons that no one who speaks German can be evil.
::forks over the ten bucks:: i should have known, really, given their strong campus presences. of course they can sneak into computer labs…
holly capote: OMG you’ve been Touched! By The Claws! you have now, i am sorry to say, become a WereSquirrel, doomed to shift forms and sneak out to search down acorns! bound by blood oath to the dark cause of Squirreldom!
Oh, Kidlacan, I’m no weresquirrel. I’m just folk. I would, however, like to talk to you about your misassumption. So, please come see me. That’s it. Come closer. Closer.*
And bring Planters ™.
Hahvahd Yahd used to have massively aggressive sqirrellage everywhere. One even ran up my mom’s coat and checked out her coffee cup!
Then, one day, Mr. Redtail decided that a deep window ledge on the 9th Floor of the Holyoke building would make a fine place to build a nest. All the fine amenities of urban living, including ample fast food opportunities.
Sometime later, Mr. Redtail successfully courted Ms. Redtail, who was, no doubt, bowled over by the ample food service options and a fine sheltered urban rookery awaiting their future voracious offspring.
Needless to say, there is no longer a squirrel problem anywhere in the area. Those that have survived the population correction don’t come running out into the open to run up tourists and check the contents of their hands and mouths. They keep to the edges of buildings, scurry over and up trees, and keep a low profile.
Maybe it was a Muslim squirrel? Someone call Debbie Schlussel!
btw, rats are much more friendly than squirrels.
all hail our new squirrel masters!
The squirrels in Lafayette Park across from the White House are unafraid and will pester you while you eat lunch.
I like squirrels; they’re among my favorite small urban animals. We have plentiful squirrels and chipmunks in our back yard.
Glad I wasn’t there; I could have gotten in some trouble. Shoving a 72-year-old pensioner’s crutch all the way up him is often frowned upon in polite society.
Beats Chief Illiniwek.
Campus squirrels are amusing everywhere. At Enormous State U. in the mid-70s, I saw one carrying a glazed doughnut up a tree.
THAT is a total tragedy.
We could have really used that critter for the local fundie church,
the Amen Pew and like…Pascagoula or somewhere.
Sounds like it was just born for runnin’ up skirts , jumpin’ thighs and stuff.
Shame.. ‘Tis.
when i was an undergrad, my friend (we’ll call her lady X) was minding her own business, reading under a tree. lady x felt a small something tap her on the shoulder, like a small stone. turning around, she expected to see some friends in the distance, smiling and waving, perhaps laughing. nothing. she turned back to her book. a few moments later, she felt another stone, this time on her head. she turned, yelled out to whomever must’ve been hiding in the quad. still nothing. confused, but still in need of finishing her history chapter before class, x returned to her book. hit again, this time squarely on the head, she looked around, annoyed. she looked down, and looked up at the tree. and what did she see in the branches above, friends? a squirrel. but not just any squirrel, a crazy, uber-pissed squirrel, holding above its head, with both hands in attack stance, an acorn. this squirrel was pelting my friend in the head with nuts!?! i still make fun of her about it…
OMG, I remember a decade ago walking around Patterson Park in Baltimore- beautiful big, lovely place- and realizing there was a pack of about a dozen big grey squirrels, slowly closing in on me. Kept walking, ever faster- finally realized I was going to have to turn around and protect myself against the rotten bastards.
So I pulled out my mace, prepared to shoot the little fuckers with it, and yelled at them until they ran up the oaks! Must have looked stupid…lol
Hey, squirrels are nothing, you should try ducks.
On my undergraduate campus we had these evil mutant ducks the size of toddlers. They were HUGE. And totally not scared of you. You think they wouldn’t be scary? Try walking past a grassed area where a number of them would be standing and have all their heads swivel around some inhuman amount of degrees in unison, following you.
I completely got mugged by one. Seriously. Eating a ham sandwich on the grass outside one of the university cafes a duck wandered over. I thought “hmmmm” and then suddenly the duck walked ONTO ME, got right into my face, grabbed the sandwich, and pulled the sucker out of my hands.
Then he strutted away and ate the damn thing. INCLUDING the ham!
It’s when they start eating meat that you really need to start being concerned.
Bloody evil ducks.
Sarah,
Ducks are nothing compared to geese. If I see one of those buggers spread it’s wings and starting to hiss, I get out of the way. And they shit A LOT
has_te, are you thinking of the Ray Stevens song “Mississippi Squirrel Revival?” It was set in Pascagoula.
And then there’s the song “Squirrels” by The Beastly Boys (a parody of the Beastie Boys’ “Girls”). It’s a highly-requested song on the Dr. Demento Show.
Squirrels are cute little buggers. I hate hearing them electrocuted on transformers or seeing them splattered on the road (they get halfway across and then can’t decide which way to run to get out of the way).
The catapult was pretty darn funny though. Mean, but funny.
I grew up in a woodsy area populated by many, many squirrels and ravens. Observing these creatures has led me to believe that there is no such thing as paranoia when it comes to the animal kingdom. Once, when my mother and I were working, outside a squirrel pelted us with bit of pinecone until we were done. I’ve seen ravens tag-team dogs to steal the food and haul frozen steaks out of grocery bags.
They’re still really cool, though.
I had some friends who went to Enormous State in the early 90s. They had a cool mascot, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was. The Enormous Fighting somethings. Anybody remember?
Something ate the buds on my strawberry plants. I’m not saying it was squirrels, but if I find out it was, I go on offense.
Sarah in Chicago:
You’ve heard March of the Sinister Ducks, right?
(That’s a flash video. The MP3 is here.)
If not, I encourage you to listen. Alan Moore sings about sinister ducks. No, really.
Sarah in Chicago: “If they hadn’t done anything wrong, people wouldn’t keep shooting them!”
My SO’s mother installed one of those squirrel-proof birdfeeders in her yard. The next morning she found it in pieces in the yard. And all the little bits of metal that held it together - bolts, washers, nuts, etc. - were missing. What the hell do squirrels need hardware for??
Quad squirrels. Evil.
We had a one-eyed Quad squirrel who used to menace students. If you wandered out of the dining hall with a little soft-serve cone in your hand, you just knew Mr. One-Eyed Evil Quad Squirrel would be there, blocking your path, chittering and all puffed up like a mangy blow-fish. And lots of stupid people would either a) Scream and drop the cone, or b) say “awwwww!” and GIVE that rodent the ice cream.
They also used to throw hickory nuts at us from the trees. Bonk.
What the hell do squirrels need hardware for??
To build the giant squirrel robot that will trample cities, of course.
Okay, so I got out of the car at the bottom of the driveway this evening. My cat was in his customary spot asking me why I left the house again and what I was doing and did I know he was hungry? As I walked around the rear tailgate, being serenaded by Mario in a characteristic cat-sitting pose, I nearly collided with a fluffy rodent exiting the hostas.
Fluffy rodent panicked.
Fluffy rodent ran up the driveway.
Fluffy rodent ran RIGHT BETWEEN MARIO LEMIAUX’S LEGS and underneath him. This caused Mario to jump up, then give chase until panic rodent flew off the retaining wall and down in to the neighbor’s peonies.
The stupid! It hurts to watch!
Growing up in New England, we didn’t have as many problems with the squirrels as with the chipmunks.
As my mother said in frustration:”How can they tell which are the $10 tulip bulbs?!”
There was one that discovered exactly how good a hidey-hole one of the drainpipes made, as well as a great way to get nuts from the roof down to the ground without carrying them. Unfortunately had a tendency to do this at 3 AM. Which meant, since the drainpipe was connected to the back of our brick chimney (and made an excellent resonating chamber) that my parents would be constantly woken up by this RATTLE-BAND-CLANG-CLANG at the very wee hours of the morning….
We have no problem with chipmunks, except that removing all the bodies from the back door gets tiresome.
Mario LeMiaux’s neighborhood nickname is “chipmunk cheeks”. Our neighbors have been known to put out cat treats in exchange for garden patrol services.
Meanwhile, each summer I contemplate replacing the back doormat with something made of that meat tray foam material. Proper backdrop to carcasses, no?
They can be annoying, but I don’t hate them because they are cute. They are like a fuzzier cuter version of rats, which I like because rats are crafty and full of personality.
The pigeons? I hate, they don’t move out of my way, often walking right beside my ankle, and once, they tried to land on my head.
I wonder if cats get pissed at squirrels because they know precisely what they would do if they had opposable thumbs (and humans wouldn’t like it much)?
At my last place, I inherited a squirrel that liked to harass my cats (the girl that lived at the place before me also had a cat and told me the squirrel did the same thing with her cat). It would sit in the tree behind the villa unit, then jump down, run towards the porch, jump onto the screen and bounce back off, then sit back in the tree and “fuss” at the cats. It drove my younger cat insane.
Now I have a squirrel in my front yard that sits in the oak tree and bitches at me every morning when I leave. I have no earthly clue what upsets him so much that he feels he must yell at me every day, but he does.
Once, I was eating lunch at a snack bar at a state park while waiting for some clients to show for a photo session. I looked away for a moment to take a photo of a bird across the patio from where I was sitting, and when I turned back around, a squirrel that had been chattering at me from behind had ran up and grabbed one of the corn chips from my plate and ran off. After a while, he didn’t even wait for me to look away…he just brazenly walked over and picked up the chips off my plate and sat down on the table and had lunch with me.
Man, after reading everyone’s comments, I am even sadder that we don’t have squirrels in Australia.
I’m so late to this party, but still…
One morning while I was mid-shampoo, my much beloved (and now dearly departed) tabby released an entirely too alive and extremely freaked out squirrel into the shower with me. I’ll leave the ensuing hilarity to your imaginations.
Kitty didn’t speak to me for several days — he was so very offended by my reaction to his present.
[…] And the same story retold as “humor” from Pandagon (feminist and progressive news and opinion blog): “Squirrels, fuck yeah. […]
For good squirrel links (including the hysterical story of the pelletised beet pulp, most amusing if one has horses, and knows of it first hand) swing by The Sciuridae Strike Back
Me, I have the same opinion of squirrels as I do of raccoons. They are fine animals, so long as they leave the things I am growing alone (the squirrels go after the peaches, nectarines, apricots, plums, pluots and pecans. The raccoons go after the chickens).
MAJeff: We have geese. It’s not the honking, and wing-waving, it’s the hissing.
When they hiss, they are really pissed/scared (it’s how we know an oppossum, or raccoon is after the chickens).
But geese are easy to deal with. Just face them and flap your arms, semi-slowly, and approach them.
They decide you are bigger geese than they are and back down.
Don’t, however, give them any sign of being intimidated, as they will beat the snot out of you and goose you without mercy, both of which are unpleasant.