Jesurgislac: LGBT people (my impression) tend to be better at not assuming - there’s no default option on the menu as there is for mixed-sex couples, so there’s more chance that they’ll ask rather than assume.

Yes, and I’m wondering why the heck our country under Bush II seems more puritanical in its assumptions than under Bush I? Sex-positive straights were not making these assumptions either when I was dating back in the early 90s because oral sex was still talked about as involving some level of risk. It wasn’t uncommon for partners to consent to mutual masturbation as a low-risk activity.

Hets (my impression) tend to assume that their sexual partners will want intercourse. (Often, as Amanda demonstrates, they will also tend to assume that their sexual partners will want oral sex.)

LGBT people (my impression) tend to be better at not assuming - there’s no default option on the menu as there is for mixed-sex couples, so there’s more chance that they’ll ask rather than assume.

Maybe we should try to get het people to behave as if they were lesbians…

This is the crux.

You just obviously need to go to the PTSD asexual dating site and stick to your own kind. Do you think celibates (as in, has sexual attractions, just doesn’t like/have sex) could be on the same site, or would they need their own as well?

People who don’t engage in some sexual acts are placed in a cultural double-bind. If they reveal that they are just not into oral sex or intercourse, they are going to be stigmatized as frigid, mentally ill, prudes or conservative. If they grin and bear it, they become the scapegoats for the lack of sexual communication in the relationship.

Something here struck me. (Remember, tentative and unformed thought, here.)

We’ve so tangled sex and romance that asexuals are practically forbidden from romantic relationships - unless we’re willing to compromise by putting out.

I am a hermit more than anything, but I could fall in love. I’ve had non-sexual crushes. If I come to love someone deeply, should I simply not pursue the possibility of a relationship because I wouldn’t have sex with him/her? If I’m honest and up-front about my asexuality, and he/she is okay with it, would pursuing a non-sexual romantic relationship then be okay?

Like I said, tentative and unformed here, and something of a tangent to boot.

Six-oh-seven-nine -

I’d be a lot happier of so many of them didn’t date or marry non-asexuals.

Agreed, but I’d be a lot happier if society stopped denying my existence (or writing it off as something in need of a cure) and trying to pressure me into marriage. Maybe if more people (and I’m not referring to anyone here) realize that a lack of sexual interest or desire is perfectly fine, this will change.

But alas, the stereotype of the frigid woman who just needs to get over it and put out still pops up everywhere in this fucked-up culture of ours…

caitlin: From where I stand, no one here is doing that. What they are saying is that people with sexual needs their partner won’t satisfy would be better off finding someone who is more sexually matched to them in the bedroom.

I think that the comparison from Amanda and Quartercian couldn’t be more explicit.

And, it seems that everyone here is in agreement that people should find compatible sexual partners. I don’t see much argument there, except that I feel that at least half of the responsibility falls on those who demand oral sex as a central part of their sexual lives. My concern is how do we get to that point where potential couples can openly talk about and reveal their preferences in such a way that it’s possible to find compatible sexual partners?

People who don’t engage in some sexual acts are placed in a cultural double-bind. If they reveal that they are just not into oral sex or intercourse, they are going to be stigmatized as frigid, mentally ill, prudes or conservative. If they grin and bear it, they become the scapegoats for the lack of sexual communication in the relationship.

It’s to say that I’m deeply disturbed when sexual needs are compared to a mental illness that the person needs to get over.

From where I stand, no one here is doing that. What they are saying is that people with sexual needs their partner won’t satisfy would be better off finding someone who is more sexually matched to them in the bedroom.

If someone just doesn’t like oral sex and their partner is fine with that - after all, there are many ways to have sex - it’s all ok. If it’s an issue in the relationship, then you have sexual incompatability which needs to be dealt with in a way that isn’t demeaning or unfair to either person.

It doesn’t count as a straw man if it’s actually happening. A divorce practice is a wonderful place to learn about sexual browbeating, Cb, and I can tell you that there are lots of people out there who believe that sexual guilt trips are good, who believe that you are or can be called selfish or a pervert if you want something specific in sex (or want sex at all), or that you are a sick, selfish bastard/bitch if you walk away from a relationship where people are doing things like that to you.