I can honestly say, being in a place in which nobody looked like me was fascinating at times and frustrating at times. I developed a strong appreciation for cultures and languages and religions that were different from my own; in fact, I’m still one of the only black people I know that knows the words to Ma’oz Tzur in Hebrew.

Is it difficult to be “the other”? You bet. But, the older I get the more I realize that everyone is always already the other in one context or another. Learning how to negotiate that and to be proud of yourself–learning how to help your child negotiate that–that is the challenge. I don’t think that challenge is particular to adoptive parents. So, frankly, I don’t see this as a problem when it comes to transracial adoption.

What I will highlight is something far more practical: only in the last 2 years has Covergirl started to carry makeup for people darker than a paper bag. Pantyhose, hair products, some forms of skin-care–all of these can be race-specific, particularly for medium to dark brown-skinned peoples; and I can testify that when I went to college in the Boston metropolitan area, I had a devil of a time finding these where I lived.

More subtly, clothing stores in dominant culture towns often don’t have clothing in colors that complement medium to dark-brown skin. Note, for instance the colors of West African traditional clothing (or West Indian clothing) and compare them to any colors you can find at Benetton or the Gap. These are the sorts of things that can drive little girl-children crazy–whether or not they are adopted. And it is this subtle, structural racism that can be ego-destructive.

None of this is to negate transracial adoption. I rather think that’s important and necessary, especially for adoptable children of color in the United States. Rather, it is to point out that sometimes being a transracial adoptive parent means that you will have to act as a race traitor and a rights activist–but that’s only because you’ll have fallen in love with the “other.” And that’s a good thing.

Not everyone who is opposed to abortion is unwilling to step up and adopt children who are hard to place. The main impediment is not an absence of willing parents. It’s a court system that is bogged down in well-meaning but endless and pointless red-tape!

I am fostermom. I take gay teenagers. They are not adoptable for a host of reasons. Sometimes it is because their otherwise good parents are incarcerated or just unable to care for them.

More heartbreakingly, it can be because they have been passed over, unwanted, or because they experienced a failed adoption placement and no longer wish to be considered for adoption.

These are wonderful, valuable children, and they are also generally children who have suffered trauma. Caring for them is exhausting and rewarding work. It should not be taken lightly, and no one should be pressured to do it.

But it is frustrating when people say “Hey! Stop doing infertility treatments and adopt from foster care! Stop adopting from China and adopt from foster care!” You should adopt from foster care if you want to adopt from foster care. Not to save a child, not to save the world.

Just because a child is 10 and in foster care doesn’t mean they have issues. Your adopted at birth child might end up having special needs. Or, *gasp* your biological child might end up having special needs. At least when you adopt from foster care you already know the issues your child has instead of just hoping for the best.

But people should adopt from foster care because they want to be a parent. That’s why I did it. You owe it to your children to love them for who they are and not because they further your political agenda.

Oh, and for the record….I said I would take a child of any racial background, and with most special needs and medical problems.

Who did they match me with? A blond haired blue eyed little girl.

Why you refuse to do so is unclear, but nevertheless, while you may understand that it’s nothing to be proud of, by putting it out there, you’re providing a sort of support for other people who are proud of this kind of thing, and will see it as evidence that lots of others really share their view. in a very small way, you’re doing your part to normalize & legitimize racism. Please stop.

It reminds me of a woman I met in Costa Rica. She told me “I don’t like black people. I don’t really have a reason, I don’t know why. My mother was the same way”. I didn’t know what to tell her at the time, I was so taken aback, maybe I still don’t know. At least have some shame, for goodness sake.

The rest of the discussion has been interestingly different from adoption-oriented board discussions. Tying in abortion and the zealots at Feminists for Life is depressing but great for added dimension. As an Asian prospective adoptive parent (from the foster care system), I disagreed with a few of the statements about adoption in Amanda’s post, but there’s already been a lot of debate over those statements. I would also suggest that people think about transracial AND transcultural adoption not just by white parents but by all kinds of parents. It’s true that the adoption systems, even just through sheer demographics, are predominantly oriented towards white parents. But there are also lots of black parents adopting black children, for example, both from the foster care system and through private adoptions.

Actually, I ought not to get into too many details, but if you’re willing to adopt a non-white infant, you’ll certainly be able to get one, provided you’re somewhat patient (which, if you are going to be a parent, it behooves you to be) as there is no shortage of infants. Of course, the actual adoption procedure oftentimes takes awhile even after you have custody of said infant (it’s a legal procedure — these things take a while to make sure the ‘i’s are dotted and ‘t’s are crossed), but it isn’t as if there are no kids available.