Posted by Sheelzebub August 21, 2006 in Religion, Bad Ideas, Fashion
PJs for Jeebus. Thus begins the indoctrination of the “Christian” youth. Visit the site if you dare. The mission of the company:
The whole Armor of God Pajama set will help your children to depend on God to protect them from their fears, doubts, and uncertainties at night so their sleep can be restful and peaceful.
Get the togs for $39.95.
Hat tip, Shakes Sis (who was tipped by oddjob).
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Do you have to wear the hats too? And where are the holy handcuffs to keep the teenage holy warrior from making baby Jesus cry?
One more important item toward making sure you marinate in Jesus 24/7/365…
I’m sure Serena Joy would approve…!
Oh.
Oh my.
Ahhhh….. oh. Goodness.
.
.
.
I better go.
Oh. Oh my….
Just… oh. Oh my goodness, indeedy. Oh my. (via Pandagon)……
How do you sleep with a helmet on???
These people, like their Dear Leader, are beginning to reveal their deepest insanity to the American public. I do not think the results of their joyous wallowing in their Freedom to Practice Any Batshit Insane Religious Behavior They Please will bring the results they desire. I live in Missouri, surrounded by Teh Jeebus Peepul, and the ones I showed this product to were appalled. Rational religious people are gradually deciding that, no, on the whole, they would just as soon not live in fucking Gilead.
Yet another idolatrous crutch to bypass actually living by the precepts of your proclaimed faith.
The boy looks rather squicked at the prospect.
Do they come with little hurrachi-style sandal slippers? How about a wash cloth for the feet?
Or are those items extra.
Anyone else remember this little gem?
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take. God bless Mommy and Daddy (and so on) right down to the family pet.
Did that scare the crap out of anyone else? Thank christ my parents were Episcopalians so it was no biggie when at about age 4 I decided I didn’t like that prayer very much and never said it again.
These jammies are just as bad…way to get that fear going early
First thing I thought of was temple garments for kids. Or more derisively, magic underpants.
Second thing I was reminded of was when someone up there mentioned a washcloth, and that’s the Moonie Holy Cumrag.
You know, these would look really nice as the official nightwear of the Children’s Crusade. Who’s up for a Children’s Crusade? The last one– in 1212, I believe– was a whole lot of fun!
Something about the expression on the little boy’s face creeps me out.
Well, creeps me out more.
I guess you put these on your five homeschooled kids under seven the night you bash their heads in with a rock.
At least you know God will protect them in Heaven, he said so when he told you to kill them.
This is actually pretty funny.
Why do boys get a cool helmet and girls get a dopey veily thing? No fair.
Helmets and shields for girls, too!
Y’know, on one hand, it worries me in terms of brainwashing, otoh, I see it as so much monster-spray, teddy-bear, or security blanket concept– the point is to give the kid something that makes them feel secure and lets them sleep through the night. And kids outgrow such things, eventually.
“I see it as so much monster-spray, teddy-bear, or security blanket concept– the point is to give the kid something that makes them feel secure and lets them sleep through the night. And kids outgrow such things, eventually.”
That was my first thought, too. However, people generally aren’t encouraged to outgrow the imaginary protection of physical stuffed animals by transferring it to full scale imaginary friends, which is what seems strongly strongly suggested here.
Unless I’m mistaken.
Wonder how long before Bush gets a pair.
Yes, as a matter of fact, this *is* a joke. It just isn’t an intentional one.
Irene
well, they ARE kinda cute…
Another data point in favor of the “conservatives think Dungeons and Dragons is real” hypothesis.
If they could only persuade their kids to take the endurance feat, they could dress their kids up in mithral full plate pajamas without having them be fatigued the next day.
Certainly ended better than the other Crusades, really. Nothing like a little reminder of rabid xenophobic massacre to make the little ones sleep safe.I’d like to get some of those and replace the lettering with really weird stuff.
Instead of a shield that says “FAITH,” how about a shield that says “DUCT TAPE”?
Or for PZ and Skatje, jammie tops that say “SQUID OVERLORD”.
And there’s always the old standby: “CTHULHU FTAGN!!”
anotherlynne,
Catholics (well my family anyway) have the Guardian Angel prayer.
“Angel of God, my Guardian Dear,
blah blah blah blah something that rhymes with Dear, probably “near.”
“Every night be at my side,
to light and guard,
to rule and guide,
Amen.”
As you can see I sort of stopped saying it myself, sometime around early puberty I suspect. Not only was I too sinful what with sexual thoughts and all, I also was reading a lot of atheistic science fiction. At the time I didn’t think this made me an atheist, but it did make me too impure and unclean to call my GA’s attention to me.
It’s just a tiny bit interesting to speculate on which is more creepy, praying for the direct Attention of the Architect of the Cosmos and Lord of All, versus inculcating the idea that you have a _personal_ sky fairy who follows you around day and night, reading your mind, watching your every move, on assignment to make sure that _you_ don’t screw up. Or get screwed with; they stress the idea that your GA is going to protect you from evil as well as against your committing it yourself. But real life being what it is, your GA never seems to be around when a bunch of bullies beat you up, and where was your sister’s GA when a bunch of rowdy older kids decided to take her favorite toy and bounce it against the housing walls until it shattered? Or yours when they stole your tricycle? Meanwhile you’ve got all these evil, evil thoughts of your own. What happens to Guardian Angels whose charges wind up in Hell anyway? Busted to Freeway Angel is my guess.
plucky punk:”Why do boys get a cool helmet and girls get a dopey veily thing? No fair.”
I think “no fair” between boys and girls is a huge part of the basic message they intend to send. It means the girls are supposed to be modest and inoffensive, and then the boys are supposed to stand guard over them. Sex roles are _supposed_ to be fair by definition, which is to say they don’t have to be fair by any common sense.
As MikeEss said, Serena Joy would approve. At least, she’d _say_ so.
“Armor of God,” huh? Why don’t fundies try walking in front of a truck and see which is stronger, God’s armor or the truck? To take a more pedestrian example, why aren’t all Christians Christian Scientists [sic]? Isn’t God’s protection a million bazillion times stronger than anything medical science can do for you?
Just to note, since it’s not clear from the replies if this is common knowledge among the godless heathens, but the Armor of God isn’t some new thing (although a pajama version is novel). Google “armor of god” and you’ll get lots of hits for sunday school activities, playsets, paper craft, jewlery, etc. There’s even an armor of god page aimed at people addicted to porn. And an Armor of God “Christian Scenario” Paintball Squad. And so on, and so on.
Scariest Halloween costume ever!
Careful, Fredrick, you might start a fratricidal holy war about whether it is a million bazillion or actually a gazillion googleplex. “Oh ye bazillionists of little faith!”
I’ve got their first customers right here!
Anyone else notice the kids are holding hands and the girl’s outfit is kinda bridal?
I knew I shouldn’t have looked at that site before breakfast.
Are those things fire retardant? I mean, really. They look like they could go up in flames any second.
Patricia–I thought the same thing. Effin creepy, if you ask me.
Every day seems to bring another example of how faith needs to be externalised instead of internalised. Why live righteously when you can merely appear to instead?
The Second Beast must be very proud.
At first glance, I thought they were extreme England football team fan pyjamas. Which brings me to my question: Ok, I am extremely ignorant about most things Xtian, but why have they got Crosses of St. George all over them?
They got the Knight’s Tempar outfit, now all they need is a grail, a conspiracy and a fire extinguisher.
Ah, Katie and Patricia, it’s like I said to Plucky Punk–until the young maiden is conveyed over in a pure veiled state to her new husband-master, she’s under the protection of her father, and so her brother is the vice-protector–in a sense, her pre-husband. He’s not the boss of her, exactly, but he takes the boss’s orders and so she’d better listen, exactly as if he were a cop or something.
And if someone has to honor-kill her, it will be her dear brother, who doubtless would consider it an act of love.
Can’t you just see that love in his eyes? Who would dare try pluck this precious pearl from the shell of her maidenhood with him standing guard under the watchful gaze of the Almighty like that?
Which helps explain the garments also–shiny objects and all that. God presumably has a lot of things competing for His Attention, what with all those sparrows falling down from air pollution and windmill blades and so forth, and those lillies blooming in the field that are always clamoring to be arrayed in the latest fashions.
What particularly skeeved me out was the “depend on God to protect them from their fears, doubts, and uncertainties at night”. Even believers would (you’d think) do better to teach their kids that there aren’t any monsters under the bed or in the closet. But instead this is “Yeah, there are very scary monsters everywhere in the dark, but God will protect you (just as long as you do everything mom and dad say).”
I honestly thought this was a Klan thing before I read it.
Preparation for the new Crusades?
Aw, dang, Katie! That was my first thought!
I sure hope those things are flame-retardant. The website does not make it at all clear. (Yes, I looked)
I went to the site so you all don’t have to, and the little girl’s PJ’s do have a shield. I’m sure they’d use it for pillowfights or something (bash ‘em on the head with Faith!).
My second question is, why are’t the little girl’s PJ’s a NIGHTGOWN? After all, according to Paul (whom most conservative christians adore), women should wear skirts. Shame! Shame!
They got the Knight’s Tempar outfit, now all they need is a grail, a conspiracy and a fire extinguisher.
Actually, they need a grail, a cow-fling machine and somebody to fart in their general direction.
But yes, these are very creepy and it is a creepy mother that teaches her children to be afraid of imaginary things in their sleep.
Good thing that you told us ‘this is not a joke’, because it just *reeks* of The Onion.
Yeah, gotta get those Super Jesus Magic Underpants to go with these outfits. You know, the ones with the smiling face of Jesus on the inside, and a red barred-circle on the outside.
Not that any of this stuff will protect you from the Under The Bed Gang. I mean, you really have to wonder about the power and motivation of an supposedly omnipotent diety that would allow monsters to live under the beds of innocent children. Better to use modern technology, such as the Monster Spray mentioned above, or just give the kids a flashlight, since it’s well known that light causes monsters to shrivel up and die like Republicans under investigation for corruption.
since it’s well known that light causes monsters to shrivel up and die like Republicans under investigation for corruption.
Um, they need a new formulation or super strength LEDs if that is the intended effect. Under the current system, they don’t shivel and die, they become Official Persecuted Christian Martyrs when under investigation.
Me, I’m sticking with the “Kids In Satan’s Service” brand sleepwear. (Wax moustache and pitchfork sold separately.)
Why not get the kid a nightlight and be done with it?
The website claims that girls get a helmet of salvation, but the pictures all show veils. Is this just sloppy copy-and-pasting?
I think PZ had a term for the types of people who would buy such a thing. “Demented fuckwits,” I think it was. Works for me.
All I know is that Armor Of God II is the best kung-fu flick ever created by man.
I do like the literal, if a bit high, “girding of the loins with truth” though. But the “feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace” flaps on the pants are a bit lame. But can we get them with black Teutonic Knights crosses instead of red for those freaks who think the Templars were in league with Baphomet?
And what’s up with the dolls? “Samuel and Anna”… Anna? Anglicisation of Hannah… who was Samuel’s mother. And note the two flavors of doll offered; “American” and “African-American”. Fucking weird that.
buy the original=buy such a thing
realized that’s not as clear as it should be
HOLY SHIT! That’s not right!
Am I the only one thinking that if they “bent” the arms of the cross a little, make the “bent” cross black, put it on a nice bright white circle, and then make the rest of the clothing blood-red, they could get a much larger audience? It would look kinda like this…
At least that would be very popular in certain parts of the country…
I thought the same thing as HalfMad - “Is it my imagination, or could those kids blend in with their parents at the KKK meeting?”
Looking at these again, I agree with Halfmad - all they need is a pointed hood and a torch and they’re ready for a night out on the new neighbors’ lawn with the parents.
Triffid Farmer - “all they need is a pointed hood and a torch and they’re ready for a night out on the new neighbors’ lawn with the parents”
It’s really all about that quality family time. Anything that can bring them closer is great!…
One (me, that is, I am one) wonders what would happen if you sent the little tykes off to bed in both Armor of God PJ’s AND Magical Mormon Underwear. Would there be a reinforcing effect, an amplification of protections and blessings? Or, would the mixing of the ethereal perhaps allow evil spirits to enter their poor little heads, and turn them to Satan?
Volunteers?
O.K.
“At that moment, God gave me the idea how wonderful it would be if all children could have the opportunity to put on a pair of pajamas that symbolized the armor of God”…and my ability to shamelessly capitalize on the absurdity of my fellow Christian Crusaders! $39.99 is but a small price to pay for the peaceful and secure night’s sleep of babes!
I wonder how long it will be before they replace the idea of changing into the “spiritual Armor of God” when getting dressed in the morning with an actual Daily/Sunday Best/Play clothes version? Perhaps their market researchers are already hard at work assessing.
I am SO glad you posted this! I haven’t laughed out loud at work this much since…well, ever. This thread is a riot!
It looks like that girl is wearing a hijab and the boy looks as if he is wearing a turban.
Hey Mark, it’s
“Angel of God, my guardian dear
To whom my God’s love commits me here,
Ever this day/night be at my side
To light, to guard, to rule, and guide
AMEN”
My mom used to make a cross on my head and tell me “God bless you always”. I did an expanded version of that with my baby boy, but he thinks it’s “I love you always, keep you safe from harm, all the days of your long, happy, lovely life.” I like his better. Just drop the Sky Fairy altogether.
Back on topic–so what’s the deal with needing the pj’s during the night to feel safe and secure? Shouldn’t their love and faith in Jesus do that ANYWAY? These clothes seem kinda idolatrous to me–it’s the holy pj’s that save me from the monsters, not Jesus.
They’re missing the sword of Spirit, the word of God.
Maybe the kids have some light sabers or something…
If you masturbate while wearing the Armor of Yaweh, does your bed open up, Freddy style, and suck you straight to hell?
what, it doesn’t come with a chastity belt?
No. If you look at the picture, you can see that the truth is in your crotch.
I see it as so much monster-spray, teddy-bear, or security blanket concept– the point is to give the kid something that makes them feel secure and lets them sleep through the night. And kids outgrow such things, eventually.
Exactly. The intention is clearly to have you outgrow your need for religion as you outgrow the jammies. It’s so encouraging to see that some sectors of American Christianity are developing a long-overdue sense of perspective.
That pretty much made my day.
Batman pajamas are so much cooler.
And they let you fly, too.
If they could only persuade their kids to take the endurance feat, they could dress their kids up in mithral full plate pajamas without having them be fatigued the next day.
It would’ve made my day if I hadn’t been drinking when I read it. Now I have to clean my monitor and explain what was so funny to my officemate. Sigh.
I love that the Christian apparel site they link to distinguishes between “Adult Christian Clothing” and “Women’s Christian Clothing.” “Adult” in this case seems to mean, “Harley Men For Jeebus,” while the “Women’s” clothing includes a pink “Someday My Prince Will Come” t-shirt.
Man, they don’t even pretend anymore.
(Insert Sideshow Bob grumble…eughghghgh)
But on the plus side, if I’m incapable of becoming an adult, it’s OK that I spend my workday reading Pandagon, right?
These look a lot like the Kingdom of Heaven replica’s my side-job has me sell to SCAdians.
I hope they did well down at Pennsic, I could really use auctions to write.
Ok, thats it, I am officially anxious about all this xtian nonsense now. I’ve been telling myself for a while that I shouldn’t overreact, leave them to their beliefs, they are not really doing any harm etc, but now I am not so sure. Where is this all going? It can’t be good if they feel it necessary and appropriate to make a statement out of their PJs - what happened to a nice paisley pattern PJ, or even a Minnie Mouse nightie?
Those are so effing awesome I kicked myself in the face!!!
I only want to know, do they have feet?
Hmmm.
A shield, a sword, a splattering of blood and then we would have the perfect image of the Crusades.
Which, of course, is the most comforting thought that kids should have right before the go to sleep.
And instead of a night light, why not just have a pyre with a burning “witch”?
These people are just out of control …
Ok, am I just old and lower-middle-class?
Or — FORTY BUCKS for kids’ pajamas? Holy Mother of God!
sabele - “what happened to a nice paisley pattern PJ, or even a Minnie Mouse nightie?”
Well, paisley = French = Gay…
As far as Minnie Mouse, she’s too uppity, doesn’t know her place, and is probably a lesbian/feminist (they’re really the same thing…)…
Besides, I’m not sure Walt Disney is a real American anyway (he wore a mustache!)…
Cloth is not protective gear at all. Didn’t these people learn anything from MMORPGs? Demons and Satan and uncertainties — sure sounds like a job for plate armour to me.
As far as Minnie Mouse, she’s too uppity, doesn’t know her place, and is probably a lesbian/feminist (they’re really the same thing…)…
Well, now that you think of it, shouldn’t the girl have a burlap sack and tied to a steak, instead of having pajamas?
I mean, if they want to be historically accurate and all …
Could those kids be any more white and blonde?
Good Lord, this just screams “protect my precious white child from the evil darkies!”
My son, age 6, has a more economical solution. He draped one of my underwire bras across his chest and said he had on his “battle-ready armor.” Little boys don’t need no stinkin’ $39.95 pajamas—all they need is to borrow one of mom’s bras, and they’ll be safe and sound.
ARConn-”Wonder how long before Bush gets a pair.”
I’ve been wondering about that for 6 years.
If they could only persuade their kids to take the endurance feat, they could dress their kids up in mithral full plate pajamas without having them be fatigued the next day.
Hahahahahahahahaha. Ahem.
MikeEss - Well, paisley = French = Gay…
Really? I come from Glasgow - quite near Paisley and I’ve never found anything French or gay about it. Mind you I saw some CCTV footage on the news the other day of some young Paisley people fighting each other with swords in the streets, and isn’t fencing French?
Michael - “tied to a steak” - is that a sirloin or a fillet - perhaps a popeseye? Sorry, couldn’t resist.
I looked at this and thought of poor little Ralphie and his giant pink bunny suit. Can’t you picture all the little kids leaving that one present from Auntie Mabel under the tree until last cause they know it’s going to be something entirely retarded but they will still have to put it on at least opne for posterity. I feel bad for those kids.
Samantha Vimes: don’t knock the monster spray! Aspersion, or the sprinkling of holy (or blessed) water to ward off evil is a powerful protection. Though kids usually respond a bit better to a teddy bear and a binkie until they’re old enough to learn magick.
The only thing that squicks me about these things is that they see to be 100% synthetic. Ew! Jammies stick to you while you sweat, imagine if the kids get a fever or something.
Will the Jesus Jammies protect the kids when Daddy creeps into their room with a warning that “this is our little secret; don’t tell Mommy.”
Nah, didn’t think so.
What particularly skeeved me out was the “depend on God to protect them from their fears, doubts, and uncertainties at night�.
And what happens on the nights when the jammies are in the dirty-clothes hamper? Either the kids lie armor-less in their beds trembling with fright … or the parents have to spring another $40 for a second pair. Suckas.
Thankfully these things are only proving Evolutionary theory: they are spending themselves out of being truly viable by buying such crap.
John Rodger’s took a swing at this piniata as well. Check out the candy that fell out:
http://kfmonkey.blogspot.com/2006/08/this-is-technically-child-abuse.html
I think the worst part about this is the pillow-shield with “FAITH” on it. The ntentional metaphonrs are twisted enough. But after that first pillow fight, kids get to learn that realize that “faith” makes for a fine weapon.
And thanks to this thread, I finally found out what paisley looks like.
those kids are going to get the shit kicked out of them on sleepovers! they will soon learn that their god can’t even protect them from kids their age.
You know, it had never occurred to me to be afraid of dying in my sleep until I was old enough (10?) to think about the words to that kid’s prayer I’d been saying for so long.
Probably my first intimation of my mortality. Not a pleasant memory. I thought the person who made it up was mean. I still do.
Now someone can turn a prophit on that prayer. Yucch.
One (me, that is, I am one) wonders what would happen if you sent the little tykes off to bed in both Armor of God PJ’s AND Magical Mormon Underwear. Would there be a reinforcing effect, an amplification of protections and blessings?
Jon Moyer, this might only work if the power was balanced and triangulated by one of those fringed underwear things the hasids wear. The ones that make it possible for God to grab you by the tassles.
A Sikh turban would naturally complete the ensemble.
Plucky, “Why do boys get a cool helmet and girls get a dopey veily thing?” Duhhh! Why do you think? Because they’re dopey little dweeby girls!
Poor kid didn’t even get a bow and arrows like Lucy Pevensey did.
As for those of you comparing the jammies with teddy bears: away with these abominable animal idols!
sabele: Apparently, paisley patterned pjs are actually an invitation to the devil to invade your life…
Methinks you are working for Satan!
The only thing that sickens me more than this grotesque marketing of my faith is the responses of the obviously liberal “ladies and gentleman”, and I use the phrase loosely, who have no idea what a Christian even is.
I had Batman pyjamas.
Literalists indeed.
If you check out the exact wording of the specified Ephesians 6:10-18, you’ll see that the whole design is blueprinted in detail in scripture (King James version here of course). Not a lot of figurative thinking here:
“10Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
11Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
12For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
13Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness
15And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
16Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
17And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
18Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints”
I wonder what the booties of the preparation of the gospel fo peace look like, and whether they’re included or a plus-sell? And where’s the sword of the spirit? If I were a kid and didn’t get my sword, I’d be mighty ticked.
All this said, though, I’m not convinced this is really all that much sillier than the habits that some lefties have of not letting their kids play with toy guns.
Oh, now suddenly that’s not so funny is it?
This is one of the more frightning things I have seen lately.
Forget the children. This mother is so afraid of something and she is projecting this fear onto her children. Good job, moother!
What is so terrifying about going to sleep that she needs “the armor of god”? Does she intend to wrap them up in bubble wrap for the rest of their lives?
I read an article a while back about how we are raising a generation of collossal wimps. From what I’ve seen of them so far, I agree.
More than ever before, the newest crop of college freshman are not capable of making rational decisions by themselves, nor know how to evaluate risk potential for various options. They do not possess the life skills necessary to live independently without assistance.
Though they’ll make good canon fodder, I suppose.
Armor of God PJs…
Yikes: A shield? Jesus. Ooopps……
Yep, just as I thought. This lunacy is right out of The Handmaid’s Tale. Margaret Atwood sure had the batshit fundies pegged.
“The only thing that sickens me more than this grotesque marketing of my faith is the responses of the obviously liberal “ladies and gentlemanâ€?, and I use the phrase loosely, who have no idea what a Christian even is. ”
No, Jesus would agree with most everything expressed here. A major point of the Good Samaritan parable is that compassion with no religion is better than bad religion. The people here may not all know what a Christian is, but they surely have a good eye for what it isn’t.
That’s not a veil. She forgot to take off the bubble wrap.
No, the sword was packed in that bubble wrap. She mistakingly thought it was a veil.
When you have a child who is afraid of the dark and the unknown is it better to check under the bed and in the closet or how about reading to your child a verse from the Bible. (Yes you have to believe in Christ to truly understand and feel safe when reading Ephesians 6:10. ) So in a Christian household this is a wonderful gift to give your child. Read the verse and put on each item as it says in the scripture. Its not about being weird or brainwashing your children. Every child is raised with the parents beliefs no matter what they may be. This does not however mean that they will grow up to be a Christian. It is a parents duty to give a child something to believe in. I take care of two boys in a Christian household and by the time they turned 8 each child had already made a decision to be a believer. And both boys love Ephesians 6:10 (the armor of God). We read it nightly and they both describe what they imagine each item looks like as they imagine putting each one on. This is just raising children with beliefs just as everyone else does. People really need to get over these things.