Seems as though a bunch of folks have been making their 10 worst Americans lists. But to me that’s a bit like making a list of the 10 worst Oasis songs. I mean, sure, you could come up with one, but why would you want to? Especially during wartime. So instead, I’m making a list of the 10 BEST Americans of all time. Here goes.

1) Jesus
You know goddamned well, that if Jesus were alive today he’d be an American citizen. It’s not America’s fault that we didn’t exist 2000 years ago, so please don’t be childish about it, and make me roll my eyes at you. Of course, he’d still be kind of a fruit, probably writing children’s books with titles like “the good jihadist,� and we’d all be making fun of him. But still he died for our sins, and that goes a long way.

2) George Washington
This one’s obvious. But here’s a little known fact. Did you know that George Washington hated cherries almost as much as he hated loyalists, the “liberals� of his day? And he was known to take an ax to both of them.

3) All of our Soldiers Currently Fighting Overseas
And I’m saluting the flag as hard as I possibly can.

4) Richard Nixon
Primarily for this picture. Today, you may think of communism, like syphilis, as primarily a punchline. But like syphilis, it was once a serious menace, and there was no way of knowing who had it, and might be spreading it. Richard Nixon stood up to the commies when no one else had the balls to do it.

5) Popeye the Sailor Man
Sure, he’s a comic book character. But he’s also the perfect embodiment of American values. Meek and dimwitted until confronted by evil, at which point he eats some spinach and starts kicking commies all over the goddamned place. Also he likes his women anorexic.

6) Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Known as “The Great Dissenter,� Holmes is one of the few giants of American law, serving on the Supreme Court for 30 years, and crafting many well-written, well thought out, and influential opinions, thus shaping, as few have, American law and society as we know it.

And with that I’m all out of ideas. So make it 6, instead of 10, I guess. I don’t care.