I’ll admit it. I’m behind the plot to destroy Christmas. I ran around the country telling people to start saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”. I figure after a couple of years of the words “Happy Holidays” being used by clerks and store signs, people will completely forget what Christmas even was and December 25th will just be another day in the midst of the present-buying frenzy people will refer to as the “holiday season”.
I do this with a heavy heart, but do it I must because my god the Disco Ball, working through the prankster god the Great Cat, who created the universe by throwing it up in a hairball, has instructed me to do so. It’s a shame it’s come to this, but Christmas has to go. We Discoballmouseatarians have always been fans of Christmas, since we like presents, eggnog, and sitting around hoping that no one gets into fights where they rehash sibling rivalries of their childhoods, but unfortunately Christmas has changed and is no longer the innocent holiday it used to be.
The Christmas music thing has been a major problem for awhile. As we all know, the Disco Ball thinks shaking your groove thang and rocking out and all other forms of music enjoyment are the highest pleasures known to man. Christmas music presents a threat to all this. The same 15 syrupy Christmas songs covered endlessly and usually badly by a variety of artists in every store, restaurant and other public space you go to is enough to make you want to remove those 15 songs from your head via the double barrel shotgun method. But this alone was not the reason the Great Cat instructed me to destroy Christmas.
No, what really pissed off the Great Cat is that the words “Merry Christmas” were being used as a weapon and it was beginning to cause a disturbance in the light from the Disco Ball. Seems that a few power hungry right-wingers got together and decided to spread paranoid conspiracy theories that Christmas was under attack by secular humanists. It didn’t take long for hoardes of sheeplike wingnuts to start running around telling people “Merry Christmas” with the same attitude as if they were teenagers testing their parents’ limits by telling them to fuck off. And then they’d run around on the Internet bragging about it, presumably because most of their victims didn’t react with the expected outrage at being told to enjoy their Christmas.
But the reaction of the victims is not what upsets the Disco Ball’s light field. It’s the mere act of mouthing the words “Merry Christmas” while actually meaning, “Fuck you, I’m better than you,” that offends the Disco Ball. As such, the Great Cat has determined that the people cannot have Christmas anymore if they can’t be merry about it. (Yes, the Great Cat’s sense of irony is roughly like a 2x4 to the head, but what are you going to do?) So because the wingnuts were paranoid about losing Christmas, lose Christmas they will.
How am I single-handedly destroying Christmas? Well, the Mouse Prophet has her ways. Let’s just say my plan involves a fax machine and a shitload of ABBA covers. Don’t doubt that these humble tools will get the job done. It’s the Great Cat’s version of fishes and loaves, if you will.*
*Apparently, I have more work to do. Darleen misled me about how fast the progress on the death of Christmas is going. Might have to add a cell phone and some Bee Gees covers to the effort. I almost feel bad for her, since she doesn’t get that “oppressors” doesn’t automatically mean white people, no matter what she fantasizes. And for some reason, she still hasn’t figured out that calling me “Mandy” doesn’t make her funny any more than me calling her a “pinhead” means the Ramones song won’t rock any longer.
32 Responses to “The Great Cat told me to destroy Christmas”
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That’s strange. The Great Pumpkin told me that it was my job to make everyone realize that Christmas was a pagan holiday, and that it had nothing to do with Jesus.
And let’s not even get into what the Flying Speghetti Monster said.
Everytime somebody says “happy holidays” instead of “Merrry Christmas”, God kills one of Santa’s elves.
Shorter Darleen: Forget about the years of slavery, systemize discrimination, and hate crimes, the real issue is that some black people don’t like white people very much!
The Christmas music thing has been a major problem for awhile. As we all know, the Disco Ball thinks shaking your groove thang and rocking out and all other forms of music enjoyment are the highest pleasures known to man. Christmas music presents a threat to all this.
Obviously, you haven’t been listening to the right Christmas music. I’ve got Booker T and the MGs playing their hearts out on “Jingle Bells” right now.
Last year, my big iTunes Christmas album purchase was “Merry Mex-Mas” by El Vez. This year, I think it’s going to be surf music played by guys in Mexican wrestler masks. (I’d give the title, but the iTunes Music Store is giving me an error. Feh.)
Any season that could inspire both “Fairytale of New York” and “Sometimes You Have to Work on Christmas (Sometimes)” can’t be all bad.
?????
There will be mice and rumors of mice?
Might be easier to start off small. If, maybe, just maybe, you could get rid of one of those 15 songs could you PLEEEEZE get rid of “Granma got run over by a reindeer?”
FTR
Dear IMS,
What would be the perfect alternative christmas music?
Or, to put it another way, Who are the musicians of the coming hyperactive cat and the christmas tree Living Room Apocalypse in other words?
(how sad is it that all I can think of is a no doubt cover of “oi to the world”, ugh)
Saying “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays” insults Christians, as it ignores the holy celebration of Epiphany (or Twelfth Night). Not to mention the Feast of St. Stephen, aka Boxing Day.
Geez, where I come from getting run over by a reindeer (or a moose) is a distinct possiblity… and funny if you’re a spectator.
Now dammit, people, we’ve gotta get our shit together and decide who’s the official “Christmas Destroyer” here, ‘cause I thought that was my job!
So far this year I’ve gotten two “happy holidays” and zero “merry Christmas”ses.
It’s working!
Since somebody brought up cool Christmas music, here’s the place you have to go to find out what’s not on you holiday iPod:
www.mistletunes.com
Any season that could inspire both “Fairytale of New York”
Ah, “Fairytale of New York”…Best. Christmas. Song. Ever. Gotta love the Pogues.
Thanks for turning me on to the ABBA covers. I’m a fan of the one true band, and I anticipate great pleasure listening to covers of their work. Took a long time to come to terms with the fact that I like those doofy people singing trite little songs, but ya gotta go with what feels right.
While I’m in musical confessions mode - has anyone heard the Paul Anka cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit? talk about incongruous. Yet it has a certain something…
My response, when anyone takes issue with my “Happy holidays,” is something along the lines of, “What, you DON’T want to be happy on Hannukah or Kwanzaa or Yule or New Year’s? Well, all right, that’s fine . . .” while acting rather confused at the idea that they don’t want to be happy on those days. On occasion it takes them down a peg.
ah fairytale….I agree…best…song….ever
but! live musically speaking, I must recommend Trailer Trash’s Trashy Little Christmas
(Daddy please don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t want to see my Mama cry)
It’s okay for the other holidays to be lumped together under “Happy Holidays!” or just forgotten about altogether, but not a Christian holiday!
Apparently treating Christians as equals to the rest of us is discrimination. Unless the get the bigger share of the pie, it’s discrimination.
As a member of the underclass, I can’t tell you how pissed off that attitude’s starting to make me.
I didn’t used to believe in Intelligent Design. But the concept of the hairball universe has persuaded me I was wrong.
Actually, the Great Cat is a Yultide tradition and has been around longer than Christmas.
Actually the Great Cat is a Yultide tradition and has been around longer than Christmas.
Sorry about the double post. I think the first one is a dead link.
That’s funny The Great Cat told me to just smack it around for a few hours.
Everytime somebody says “happy holidays” instead of “Merrry Christmas”, God kills one of Santa’s elves
Excellent! How many repetitions would be required to wipe those little bastards out? Fewer elves = less beeping plastic sweatshop crap my kids will receive and toss all over the house.
Happy Holidays, everyone!
Actually, if the stars were right, we’d all be telling each other:
“Happy Cthulu Rising Day!”
what a weird coincidence; I just posted a picture of my cat easting a christmas tree over at my blog.
Further evidence that Christmas is on its last legs in this country: a truck from the Jollyville (I swear) Fire Department just made its annual trip down my street playing “Deck the Halls” and tooting its siren while firefighters dressed as Santa threw candy to kids. Someone alert O’Reilly.
Ah, ABBA. A favorite of mine when I was a 9-year-old and today. Definitely cheesey, but they knew how to write a good pop song. No one ever knows my nomination for their cheesiest song, though–Eagle.
What I’m really concerned about is the War on Mother’s Day.
As a mother, and a true American, I proudly celebrate Mother’s Day. And while Mother’s Day has been declared a holiday by an American President, and millions of Americans celebrate it, there are still those people who show their contempt for American principles by refusing to greet one another by saying “Happy Mother’s Day!” and use politically correct phrases foisted on us by the lbierals and the ACLU, phrases like “Hello,” “How ya doin’?” and “Have a nice weekend.”
In the days approaching the beloved holiday, quite a few people wish ME a Happy Mother’s Day. I admit I do look like a Mother. In some cases I think they suspect I’m watching them, so they use the greeting out of fear I may chastise them for not doing so.
But I’ve seen others — cab drivers, bartenders, crossing guards, clerks in auto-parts stores and sporting goods chains — refusing to use the phrase “Happy Mother’s Day,” when greeting teenagers, children, delivery men, shallow trendy young club-goers — just the kind of people who would be most deeply touched by this holiday that our nation holds so dear.
Why, I’ve even heard stories of people who claim to be offended when greeted with “Happy Mother’s Day” — as if people who were not mothers were a large percentage of our demographic.
All I can say is, if someone is PC enough to greet ME with a hearty “Have a nice day” instead of “Happy Mother’s Day” during the first part of May, I’m wish them “Happy Mother’s Day” — it’ll feel like saying “Fuck you!” to their liberal faces.
And don’t even get me started on how these liberals have taken the sex out of Secretary’s Day — or, excu-u-uu-se me, “Administrative Assistant’s Day.”
Hey what about the Holiday tree? Hmm…sounds like someone got a headstart, eh??
Anyone that wants to hear great Christmas music needs to hear Bathtub Shitter’s newly released mini CD. They’re a Japanese grindcore band obsessed with . . . shit.
Their cover of “Little Drummer Boy” is sublime (all you can understand is a garbled “Pa-rump-pum-pum-pum.”)
And who could forget their classics “Brown Santa” and “Holy Shit.”
“Ah, ABBA. A favorite of mine when I was a 9-year-old and today. Definitely cheesey, but they knew how to write a good pop song. No one ever knows my nomination for their cheesiest song, though–Eagle.”
“Thanks for the Music” gets my vote for cheesiest ABBA song.
I do a mean rendition of “Waterloo” at my favorite karaoke bar. Totally irony-free–I love that song.
Ah, “Fairytale of New York”…Best. Christmas. Song. Ever. Gotta love the Pogues.
With the best opening line ever. “It’s Christmas Eve in the drunk tank…”
I loves me some traditional carols, your Good King Wenceslases and Oh Tanenbaums and God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and pretty much anything else that they play during the Yule Log broadcast.
For some really neat arrangements of traditional Christmas music, listen to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Just what an old metal-head like me needs this time of year.